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Nintendo: The Family Company.

Nintendo: The Family Company. published on No Comments on Nintendo: The Family Company.

Isn’t it great that in this day and age, Nintendo systems can download hardcore pornography from the Internet more or less straight out of the box (well, with a download of the browser software.) If this was the 80’s Nintendo, they’d probably cover the naughty bits with the ‘bling’ sparklies from the DSi Graffiti menu.

I just finished MadWorld- and so should you! But this ties in with my thinking about ‘old nintendo,’ in that as violent as it is, the thing is it’s all presented in such an over the top, cartoony way that if MadWorld were say, an old 2-D sidescroller, people wouldnt have probably batted an eye. Course, at that resolution, all the blood and gore would probably amount to three or four red pixels flying from chainsawed enemies.

We need more games like this, seriously. It’s a high-score encouraging, largely free roaming, arcade style beat em up. And even if the “LOOKIT ME, I’M FRANK MIRRA” veneer the producers put on it is all that people walk away from the adverts with, it’s good we got at least one more game of this kind on a non portable system, and on the Wii to boot! It even manages to use waggle controls in a not completely awful way that complements the existing, pretty basic controls. Mash A to rough a guy up. Hold A down and you grab them. Swing the Wiimote while you have em in a choke-hold, and you throw them a good distance away for crowd control’s sake. Swing up for an uppercut to launch enemies. Press the B trigger and swing to unleash your arm mounted chainsaw. Sometimes the Power Struggle quick-time events are a little annoying, but when you pass one it almost always results in a pleasingly messy finish. You tear a Nazi’s arms off and beat him with them, for crying out loud! All the while dark, gritty hip hop..ish music about how crazy and kickass YOU are plays. I’m not really quite sure what to call Japanese produced rap tunes that sound like they were done by white people, but all the names I come up with sound pretty racist.

So I posit we call the Persona 3 and Madworld soundtracks ‘Nip-Hop.’

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Nintendo Wii has porn, cussing, and gruesome chainsaw murder. That makes up for a library of almost nothing but liscensed shovelware and bland, gimmicky family games, right? RIGHT?!  Actually, MadWorld and Virtual Console have pretty much justified the Wii purchase for me. More than Brawl, anyway.

7? Really, now?

7? Really, now? published on No Comments on 7? Really, now?

The real thing is shiiiny.
The real thing is shiiiny.

Metal Slug 7 (NDS)
2008 SNK Playmore/Ignition

The Short Version: Hey look. It’s a new Metal Slug game. I wonder if you get to shoot droves of dopey looking soldiers, save hostages, then fight a gigantic contraption at the end of every level? It would sure be great if they could work some kind of a dating sim element in there too!

The Long Version:Continue reading 7? Really, now?

DSiren Song- DENIED

DSiren Song- DENIED published on No Comments on DSiren Song- DENIED

I have resisted the pull of the DSi and its many wonderful features for the time being, and shifted the pre-order money I put down toward more games for the DS I got. Now, I’m not going to get all sour grapes about it- the system sounds great to me, in particular I like the idea of a portable with downloadable content. “I’m bored and want a new game. Hey, there’s a McDonald’s with wifi! I can stuff my American ass with grease and beef and salt while I wait for a gutted Wario Ware app to download!” The cameras… Neat idea. Good for screwing around, but a little low res to go replacing my Kodak one. SD card support and enhanced multimedia? Well hot damn, it’s only about six times the mass of my mp3 player!! But, while I may (read: inevitably will) get one down the line, I’m opting out of it for now, for the following reasons…

  1. No GBA slot. Granted I rarely play GBA games these days, hell I barely get to play any of my portables extensively lately. I’ve got a working SP, and if all else fails, my girlfriend’s got a Lite too. But assuming I had taken advantage of Gamestop’s trade-in deal and hocked my DS Lite for one, not only would I have lost a better GBA than the GBA itself was, but that also eliminates the games with content unlocked by placing a GBA game in the bottom slot, like Mega Man ZX or Lunar Knights. Nintendo seems to ‘forget’ at least one thing per handheld generation, like no Advance link cables on the DS/Lite, or no headphone jack on the SP, and while slot sharing hardly GIMPS any of these games, it’s still kind of an annoying cut.
  2. Keeping my Lite for the above would have meant spending an extra 70 bucks on the thing and having at best something that makes my DS a neglected brick, or at worst, becomes a pricy, redundant, gimmicky brick itself.
  3. Region Lockouts and no flash cart support. Hell, according to Parish, it wouldnt even run officially-made review cartridges for 1up.
  4. There’s really nothing coming out that I specifically need it for- If some kickass new must-have game came out with camera functionality that isn’t just a cheap gimmick, sure, I’ll bite. I bought myself a PSP because omfg, portable Disgaea!
  5. When I was ‘on the fence’ about the system, a quick poll of my friends turned up many responses of “Why?” and almost as many “What’s the DSi?”
  6. I had Izuna 2 in sleep mode and powering off meant losing my gear and going back to the goddamn village.

And, as it turns out, I may end up having to put the money I saved into fixing another leak on my POStiac! HOORAY IT’S SUPER CHRISTMAS

Quick, Dirty, Microreviews

Quick, Dirty, Microreviews published on No Comments on Quick, Dirty, Microreviews

I’ve been spending a lot of the past couple weeks either busy or recovering from being busy, which hasn’t been great for productivity other than getting to play more video games than usual. In this short piece, I will slap a band-aid over this bursting dam of a problem by making short, snarky comments about several games I’ve been putting off writing about.Continue reading Quick, Dirty, Microreviews

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