I will seriously shut up about this game after this.

Front Mission(NDS by way of necromancy)
Square/Enix (but who are we kidding, it’s a Square game from over a decade ago)

In a nutshell: Highly customizable mechanized wargame that’s worth a look if you like gritty sci-fi and/or micromanaging of large armies.

Or guys named Peewee.

Final Fantasy is great. I get it, though I can’t help but wish that no more game consoles come out for a while so that another port would come out and we’d all be forced to endure another round of nostalgic fapping to the pros and cons of the latest iteration compared to the NES original, the Playstation Origins, numerous Hong Kong editions for the handful of dead systems without a port of it, and the Wonderswan. (Like that was a real system.)

Front Mission’s a woefully overlooked Square series. It’s hard to say exactly why it hasn’t taken off as astronomically; maybe it’s the lack of glossy anime-ganked staples in spite of using giant robots as a focal point. Really, there wouldn’t be a whole lot to tell the casual player that this was a Japanese game- the cast list is predominantly full of European names, with the most noteworthy Japanese players in it members of a (sinister!) industrialist family. The mechs themselves, dubbed “Wanzers” (because I dunno, the various sci-fi series feel that just calling them “robots” wouldn’t endear them as much to the fans) are designed with functionality first and style second, though none are quite as slab-like as MechWarrior’s oeuvre. But lo and behold, this really is a Squaresoft production, right down to the rather curious use of their favorite artist Yoshitaka Amano to handle the character art. Dreamy watercolors are this man’s bread and butter, and though he does a good job on it, it’s still a little weird associating his artwork with ‘gritty mechanized warfare.’ (Natalie Blakewood in particular is a dead ringer for Celes.)

That isn’t to say Front Mission was a total flop, like say, Ehrgeiz, or for lack of any appropriate second funny example, Gigli, it’s had five primary installments, a mobile port, a couple side stories and even an action-based platformer version. Of those, we’ve only gotten 3 and 4 in English release up until now (though an English patch for the Super Famicom edition of the original has been out for years), with the alledgedly awesome 5 out of reach due to lack of interest. Alas and alack!

Enough padding, already; what exactly IS Front Mission? And why does this jackhole with the pseudo-Christian pen name think so highly of it? Basically, it’s a strategy RPG with a widely customizable army of mechs for you to build in your journey to better PWN your adveraries. With dozens of variations of parts to put on your Wanzer, and numerous weapons to put on top of those parts, there are hundreds of possible ways to tune your forces to your liking.

That said, if you hate micromanaging things, stay the hell away from this game. You’ll need to “grind” up cash for upgrades on your brigade pretty much every time you reach a new city, as the next mission’s enemies will be coming at you viciously and in big numbers. And losing comrades in battle means your completion bonuses will be depleted pretty quickly by repair bills if you hadn’t maxed out said gear beforehand. I mention this because as easy as the alternative cash gaining method is (Arena battling), it also gets old pretty fast, and had I not been using it as a way to make car rides and longer shifts go by faster (I don’t have the luxury of a ‘wall’ anymore at my place o’ servitude, so I needed some kind of diversion that didn’t need constant/full attention or would be super obvious to the many many many many many many managers and other passers-by what I was doing) I probably wouldn’t have had the luxury of a huge virtual bank account and top-of-the-line Wanzer parts.

By now you might have guessed I just like the word ‘Wanzer.’ Yeah, pretty much. Try saying it with a lisp too.

Plot-wise, the story is a lot more down to earth and a lot less “I’m the last survivor of a tragic kingdom ravaged by a longhaired prettyboy with dastardly designs and a link to the amnesiac hero.” Taking place on Huffman Island, a hotbed of tension between two warring factions, a recon mission gone awry leaves the hero (Officially named “Royd,” but whom I rename “Lloyd” because it’s A REAL NAME and all) 1) responsible for all out war being declared, and 2) down one fiance. He probably lost his iPod too. Having had the Worst Day Ever, Lloyd enters the seamy world of underground Wanzer Arena battling. All is well and downward spiral-y until he’s asked to join a mercenary unit called the Canyon Crows, and take on missions to assist the OCU’s standing army, along the way learning the grisly truth about what happened to Karen and taking his revenge on the truly sick SOB’s responsible. I don’t want to spoil the Big Twist, but let’s just say it would make great ammo for people who are against stem cell researching. One of the things I think really makes Front Mission good as a war story is that rather than trotting out glitzy super weapons out every chapter, it focuses on the characterization, and their own personal motivations are more often than not responsible for the interesting plot developments. Lloyd speaks sparingly and with a rather grim portrait in dialogue scenes, but since he’s a seasoned soldier who honestly believes HE started a war rather than an angsting teenager, it’s a rare, appropriate use of that kind of hero. (Okay, so the hero of FFIV applies too, but not say, Squall.) He’s taking the conflict immensely personally, and it shows that he’s only acting within orders because he believes it will lead him where he wants to go. There’s also a refreshing variety in the characters’ very looks, too- while most of the core cast are young and attractive, the other vary from lantern-jawed Gregorio Kong, to the middle-aged and obese Molly, to your ever-faithful supply truck driver Peewee, even if he does cross over from ‘real character’ to more of a ‘comic relief fat guy’ (One of his ‘defeat’ quotes when the truck goes up in flames is bemoaning the fate of the candy bar he dropped in the cab.) Even the villain, Driscoll strikes me as more menacing than say, your Kefka or Sephiroth sorts, just because the overall setting is more believable. He doesn’t kill/kidnap people because he’s out of his mind or need a hug from Space Mommy- he’s just an imperialistic dick. To elaborate would kill the aforementioned twist, but let’s just say he ends up in a very unique position to push Lloyd’s buttons.

Actually, you know what, fuck it- highlight if you want to read this part.

Karen, among many others, was taken from a military hospital and handed over to the Nirvana Institute, who remove the brains of experienced combat pilots for use in “B-Devices”, advanced Wanzer CPU’s. (Normal Wanzers used cloned brain tissue to enhance their reactive abilities). Driscoll ends up luring Lloyd to the original site they fought on and revealing his Wanzer has Karen’s brain wired to it and revealing that the Canyon Crows themselves were assembled as a ‘front’ to train its members into materials for use in more B-Devices: a FRONT. MISSION. GEDDIT? HUH?!

There. Incidentally, WordPress really seems to hate it when I try to white out spoilers.

So, there you have it. An underappreciated Square game with down to earth characters, an interesting if dark plot, and a satisfactorily bittersweet ending (assuming you pretend the usual “EVERYTHING’S OK!” after-credits sequence didn’t happen) and a ridiculous level of personalization in your unit loadouts. Now for the negatives- This game is obviously pretty dated looking. Even though the game is supposedly a port of the Playstation “Front Mission 1st,” all they really tweaked graphically was to make the color palette brighter and easier to see. You’re still looking at 16-bit graphics, and frankly the map animations themselves are plain GOOFY. Wanzers march in place, missile platforms cheerfully move their launchers up and down in a similar 2-frame ‘bounce’, presumably to help differentiate the actual units from the environments. The close-up battle scenes use a similar ‘idling’ thing, where the upper body of the Wanzers bob up and down like an eager little puppy (as missiles slam into it.) One of the most aggravating things in the game bar none, though, is that when Wanzers battle, your shots hit locations on their enemy at random. See, each unit has a Body, left and right Arms, and Legs (as one piece, since mismatching legs would probably throw off the game engine). It’s all too often that you or an enemy will end up literally disarmed and rendered useless for battling, but units aren’t taken out of battle until the main body is eliminated. This is torturous for you as you watch your crippled men limp around hoping to reach Peewee for replacements before an enemy takes them out for good, or plain annoying as you detour from the fight to mop up disarmed enemies trying to make a run for it. There’s also a pretty noticeable lack of balance in weapon types- Missiles hit hard from a distance, leaving you safe from a counter attack, and most characters learn “Guide” pretty early, letting you pinpoint their torsos and fire away safely before your infighters even get close. The best strategy for any level in general then boils down to getting your best ranged men out there, take out any enemy pilots named “Missileer” (doubt that’s a real word, but hey!) or “Commander” (Commanders usually have rockets too), then mop up the Attackers as they throw themselves into your wall of fire. I have to give them kudos for not having any escort missions where you lose as soon as the target is lost- there will be a brief “OH NO! THE PRESIDENT!” dialogue, followed by “He’s escaped on foot safely!” when his chopper goes down in one mission) Escort missions usually suck it hard, and as unforgiving as the game tends to be when scoring hits or swarming you with numbers, it’s surprising they cut you this kind of break.

The DS version also has the PSX edition’s alternative campaign, wherein you play as a squad on the opposing side. It’s a shorter and somewhat harder experience since your squad stays fairly small, but as long as you keep your gear up, you’ll be fine.

I killed the last boss with two missiles, by the way. Normally I wouldn’t say such a thing, but I think they COULD have done with giving the end boss some steroids to make up for your being able to use all 18 or so of your squad against him at once.

KAREN~~!!