Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann 2006, Konami, (NDS)
In a nutshell: Watch the goddamn anime.

This is a cautionary review. For you see, Gurren-Lagann is a good anime show, a recommendation that gets harder every year a ‘visual novel’ is selected to be turned into a full 26-episode series. With ‘seasonal’ direct to video supplements. And PVC figurines. And hug pillows. While G-L might be more of a lovingly-crafted amalgam/homage than a hundred percent original, it has an energy and passion behind it that’s plain infectious and just gives you 20-minute chunks of sheer enjoyment with more than 80% less budget-saving ‘moody’ shots than the leading Gainax product.

However, sadly, Gurren-Lagann is not really a good video game. Beyond the obvious interest it holds for existing fans of the series it’s based on, it’s hard to say what kind of appeal is there. What’s that? You want me to explain myself?

I admit, I went into the game with pretty high expectations- a high-energy anime featuring drill-wielding robots who blow up other robots en masse, that just happened to be funded in part by Konami, the company responsible for Contra, Gradius, the parting of the Red Sea, and uh, Dance Dance Revolution. The point is, there’s really not too much of an excuse for things to fall flat with a game based on the production if they stuck with one of their actiony fortes. Why, the only way they could bone things up would be if they tried something ‘experimental.’

Whoops.

For the most part, the game follows a somewhat fanfic-ized version of the TV series’ plot. The biggest diversions come from the addition of a handful of new characters, Chitori (a cat-beastgirl), Jivitalis (a large cat-beastman with no nose), and some kind of fruity new villain who creates drama by killing Jivitalis (using a mech that’s basically Viral’s Enki only colored black and red- tell me that doesn’t sound Mary Sue-ish.) Admittedly, I didn’t play all the way through this, but I hear that it really falls apart in the latter half of the story after the time skip.

Basically, the way the game works is you’re plunked into a small 3-D arena, somewhat like the ‘All Range’ battles in Star Fox 64- you could manuever as you pleased as long as you didn’t want to move outside of an 6 foot by 6 foot box. Your Ganmen (robot) marches perpetually in a straight line, with you able to control your steering or speed, but not actually stop. (The three speeds are Normal, Walk So Slow Everything Will Kill You, and Run For Five Seconds Then Overheat And Incapacitate Yourself.) By watching your radar, you can steer toward (or avoid) enemies, and attack them whenever they enter one of the designated attack zones, which vary depending on what weapons you’re carrying in that battle- a Gunbuster-style Inazuma Kick will target enemies within a fairly broad arc, whereas the Heavy Machine Gun (one of many non-show weapons they tossed in for variety from “drills,” “many drills,” “one HUGE drill”) affects a longer range but narrower arc. When an enemy falls within a target range, the corresponding button will light up on the touchscreen, at which point you touch it to initiate the attack. And here’s where things get weird.

See, each Needlessly Flashy Anime Attack has a mini-game assigned to it. Generally, the more ‘powered up’ a weapon is from use, the harder the sub game will be. Not a bad concept, other than the fact you ARE in an action-based game. Shifting between D-Pad steering and mini-game mode stylus use is pretty awkward, and it takes more than a while to get used to a proper battle strategy, which is: single out a straggler enemy, hit them, retreat, repeat til they die, pick the next furthest from the enemy formation. Needless to say, it definitely doesn’t carry on the spirit of the source material, but past that and more obviously- it’s very, very tedious. Where Wario would give you a stupid little intermission between microgames, Gurren-Lagann throws you back into the middle of a three-on-one brawl, usually wide open to an attack as you wait for that weapon to recharge. Or trying to turn and run like hell before they get the chance to hit you with one of their own slightly less flashy, yet oddly high-power attacks. A single hit to your robot’s limbs, body or head will destroy a square of the ‘armor’ there, usually taking out that part’s weapon with it. Losing weapons is, as in pretty much any situation, bad. (Especially when I lost my makeshift grappling hook at work. I needed that for gounging… things on high shelves.) After the armor on something is broken, you start taking damage right to the life meter, and boy does it go in a hurry! Usually while you’re trying to turn back around to put up a fight.

The ‘story’ segments are also rather underwhelming. Cute, bouncy sprite versions of all your favorites rock back and forth on their heels waiting for you to talk to them and validate their existence. After speaking to them all, possibly stopping to screw around with your weapons and armor allocation with Leeron (a very effeminate man who never ages, ever) walk around until one of your friends has a flashing ?! over his head, at which point you can start the next slow, frustrating duel of microgaming. Occasionally the Sea of Text that follows a ?! event will have low res screencaps from the TV show as a way to bait you along.

It’s really a shame. I wanted this game to be good- maybe along the lines of a licensed Bangai-Oh clone. Massive explosions all around, and your destructive potential would rise in concert with the chaos you were wreaking. Or perhaps some kind of fighting game. With gcfx2-triggered Giga Drills, and the latter forms of Gurren-Lagann unlockable. And even when it proved to be more unorthodox than that, I gave it a good, long try. Hearing Kamina’s voice on the Save/Load menu encouraged me. But after a while, the system just didn’t work for me. So, credit where it’s due for them trying something new with a hot property instead of just cashing in by recycling an engine like every American developer does for movie and TV games, but might I suggest that you make an action game rather than a weird hybrid puzzle thing when working with an action show? Kay, thanks.

(I guess the next decent Gurren game will be when it makes its inevitable appearance in Super Robot Wars, barring work done by talented amateurs or an unexpected announcement by Konami.)