As you might know, we here at 3/2 are not actually legitimate or recognized journalists of any sort. In fact, we aren’t even a “we,” we’re just one person grossly misusing a Royal “we.” That out of the way, the gaming news circuit is sure abuzz about the new Nintendo 3DS! This revolutionary new handheld delivers 3-D graphics and all sorts of interactive gimmickry without the need for glasses that make you look like a member of the Burger King Kids’ Club. This, combined with the proven user-friendly “screw buttons, just poke at it” interface of the DS, as well as the “gimmicky apps” functionality of the DSi will undoubtedly make the 3DS into the must-have hunk of nearly-useless plastic of the year. Unfortunately, since I’m not sponsored by any Interweb reporting agencies, nor am I exactly awash with cash as I prepare to pack up all my belongings to squeeze into a studio apartment, I do not actually own a 3DS for demonstration and reporting purposes. Sadface.

Oh, I fully intend to get one eventually, probably once some “must-have” games come out for it. But since I haven’t been out to the stores in a while to play a demo unit, I have to rely on second hand impressions, YouTube videos where people comment on the 3-D effects that are impossible to relay through webcam, and one very special, unexpected chance encounter.

I had a dream the other night where I was swimming laps at the Y, though occasionally after surfacing I would find my location had randomly changed to a desert oasis or some kind of SCIENCE! laboratory where my swimming was being used as a motion-capture exercise to transfer data into humanoid swimming robots built to battle aliens who invaded after global warming melted the polar ice caps. Since I was getting a little tired from the laps, I decided to swim up to the side of the pool and drag my bag over, retrieving, of all things, a brand new 3DS! A blue one! So I decided to take it for a spin right there in the pool. I can say that it had a pretty pleasing size and weight, I could play it basically forever without my hands cramping, which is a lot more than I can say for my current DSi or PSP. Though admittedly, I was a little annoyed with the analog slider’s tendency to appear or disappear randomly during play. I would have thought Nintendo would have made their systems more material since the fever dream I had at age nine that involved an NES control pad sprouting an extra B button for a secret “Attack MORE” command for Mega Man.

I really enjoyed the Augmented Reality card gimmick and the 3-D camera. My main complaint there involves the smells they chose to associate with each character. In particular, Miis seemed to end up all smelling like pastrami. Still, I was pretty impressed since I was expecting them to just be like one of those things that only shows up on your screen rather than projecting a fully interactive miniature Samus or Mario onto the floats dividing the deep end of the pool from the lava end. I think I got the short end of the stick as far as what launch title was packed with it, but on the other hand, seeing Shantae in the new Dead or Alive was a welcome surprise.

All in all, I was pretty happy with the experience. I don’t see why everyone complains about the battery life, since mine lasted the whole drive home, then again I think I was emitting microwaves or something because things kept smoldering and lighting on fire. Do keep an eye out for that during extended play. I’m more interested in the system for the possibilities a more powerful Nintendo handheld could bring, since it seems like more DS developers have been pushing the graphical envelope of the system lately rather than falling back on sprites as often.

In closing, I do have to mention, sadly I seem to be one of the people that the 3-D effect didn’t work for at all. The backlighting did seem to have an otherworldly glow, and though there were no immediate health problems, I was raised back in the day where radioactive things could do basically whatever in fiction. I can only continue to trust in Nintendo’s ‘fun-gineers’ and assume any future mutations I get will be of the beneficial variety.