Mega Man 9 (WiiWare/PSN/XBox Live Arcade)
2008 Capcom/Inticreates

The Short Version: KABLOOPLPLPLP! Danana nana na, danana nana na, Dada da! Dada da! Da danana naaaaaaaa~!

Nostalgia was once considered a mental illness, you know.

The Long Version: Mega Man 9’s been out a while now, and I think the froth has settled enough for me to throw in my fashionably late and unnecessary review- if anyone wanted it, they probably got it by now, and if they don’t, I don’t really aim to go selling extra DLC copies of it. That’s how I roll here.

Mega Man games have always struck a weird but workable balance in between two of the three categories of challenge that video games offer; Rote memorization, and reflexes. The third is simply SHIT, when a game is hard to beat because your character falls through ledges, or manuevers like a stroke victim. Mega Man avoids that, at least, since he does exactly what you tell him to, and it’s basically always on your ass if your timing is off and misses a vanishing block, or when a boss stomps your little blue special ed helmet into the ground. (Bad ports aside.) Every now and then they will fling a cheap death (read: spike-related), your way, but after that, you know it’s there, and you tread a hell of a lot more carefully when you beam back down on your next life. And if there’s another cheap kill, you swerve around it on your next try. It’s sadistic, but rewarding beyond most games these days where a hard boss encounter is based more around how many healing items, or what level you ground up to, or what stupid broken item you’ve crafted from twigs and the bones of 50,000 tree rats during a 6-hour session of wandering in the woods.

(Let it be known that about the only game where item creation isn’t a complete fucking CHORE to me is Izuna. And even then, waiting on just the right drops can suck since in 2 the game seems to assume you need a status-curing orb every ten minutes rather than a life restoring one!)

Playing Mega Man 9 puts me in a dangerous state. Pets and people must remain a distance away, because no matter how mad I get when that DAMN BOSS hops on me, I won’t just turn it off and walk away for a while. I keep plugging away at it until I WIN, or I konk out with a death grip on the Wiimote. The transition between “HOW THE FUCK” to “Hey, I beat it. Cool,” is very addicting.

Mega Man has been sort of neutered a bit for this game, compared to all the modern conveniences an average game has by now. There’s no double-air dashing via hidden suits of armor or level 3 charge shot/beam saber combos. You run around, jump, and shoot. No Mega Buster, no Slide, even. And you know what, you don’t need those things, Mega Man 9 says! As it takes your hand and leads you to a mystical land where enemies die with one or two shots, and there’s no falling object you can’t avoid without timing. Of course, while it has your hand, it throws you in front of a bus, but that’s beside the point. I didn’t even realize that so many newer Mega games were sorta ‘calibrated’ towards the accumulated gimmicks. After a while getting used to the bare bones again (I think I’m the only one in my online friends circle who doesn’t replay Mega Man 2 daily with one hand) I think what I like most about it is not having to hear that hmmmmmmMWWMMMMMMMM sound non-stop while running around in the stages. That said, I do miss dashing.

After years of imposter furries, cute and inoffensive pirates, and furries named after mythology, Mega Man once again must run a GAUNTLET OF TERROR run by 8 robots with stupid themed powers. But there’s a twist! there’s a Splash WOMAN among their ranks! What will that fiendish Dr. Wily do now that he’s discovered he can probably get away with rehashing all his old creations by adding tits to them? And what will become of Mega Man now that he’s had his first taste of domestic violence? (He insists that *thing* with Hard Man didn’t count, no matter what Hard Man says.) The story line, as if it mattered horribly is something I wondered myself- Dr Wily gets on TV and points out that the robots were all made by Dr. Light originally, so who’s to say that the good doctor isn’t the bad one, and vice versa? Because the city is populated by morons, Dr. Light is hauled off to jail. While Roll goes to get Phoenix Wright, I assume, Mega Man decides to go kick the new wave of Robot Masters’ asses more or less to kill time.  The lineup this time consists of Concrete Man, Galaxy Man, Jewel Woman, Splash Woman, Magma Man, Hornet Man, Tornado Man, Plug Man, and Dr. Wily Man. Is that even a spoiler at this point? The Robot Masters are back in fine form after their hiatus, ranging in appearance from a mermaid to three honeycombs with an angry face.

Tornado Man is noteworthy for looking like an out of place, angsty refugee from the X series. The random symbol on his head is a grim reminder of when Rita refused to hire him on to fight the Power Rangers. After he went through the trouble of stealing the Megazord’s hood ornament and everything. He uses his deadly tornado powers for revenge!

Splash Woman is a woman. With lipstick and boobs and everything! She summons fish and rains lightning from the sky at your ass, but still probably one of the easier bosses to beat. She also sings! As well as 8-bit sound will allow anyway.

Plug Man is another electric guy. He’s not the stupidest looking one, but on the other hand, he was probably saddled with the stupidest name thanks to those who came before. In his spare time, he cosplays as Bulls-Eye from Marvel Comics.

Magma Man doesn’t want you to know he used to be Needle Man. By painting himself red and eating Taco Bell around the clock, he creates the illusion of a lava attack, but in actuality his entire stage is full of horrible, burning orange diarrhea. Be careful, one false step and Mega Man will die instantly!

Jewel Woman is decked out in pink eyeshadow and wears pink crystals all over her- uh, wait. Jewel Man’s a man. Well, I’m glad Capcom could resist giving the jewel powers and overwhelming pinkness to the sole female Robot Master ever, but now I have to resist calling Jewel Man gay. Actually, I don’t really have to. GAY GAY GAY GAY.

Hornet Man is an orange robot who shoots bees out of the honeycombs in his chest. Seriously, Dr. Light, you do make these robots with ‘peaceful purposes’ in mind, right? Hornets don’t make much, if any honey, so what did you have in mind for a robot that’s a walking hornet nest? Keep people from lingering too long at picnics? Break up county fairs? I can’t even imagine building this guy in the house.

Galaxy Man’s basically a UFO with arms tacked onto the sides. Basically a less retarded Astro Man, but goes down even easier than Splash Woman. Disappointingly, though, he was built without a mouth. This is why he was sent to the scrap heap.

Concrete Man rounds off the list. Using brute strength and a cement cannon, he pretty much kills you in ten seconds after you finally figure out how to beat his goddamned trio of elephants. Yeah, he has elephants. Three of them. They suck.

Overall, Mega Man 9’s a blast as long as you like classic games, from the NES era where Mega Men were Men, and hard was normal, with no experience levels in platformer games or crap like that. The replacement of the password grid with save files is the icing on the cake, along with the ability to download extra challenge levels and other junk like Protoman Mode.

DO IT.