Bubble Bobble is a promising title coming in the first or second quarter of 2009, barring any further delays. As BB fans undoubtedly know (and there are many who imported the much sought after Japanese edition), the game was originally due to be released domestically last year but hit a speedbump when Rockstar Entertainment threw the computers containing the project out the back of a truck trying to stop a vengeful Jack Thompson from following them all the way to their headquarters.

Now the game is in the hands of Atlus, who rabidly slurp up anything remotely Japanese who heard that one of the interns at Rockstar was named Tanaka. Expect a witty localization from the original Japanese.

Bubble Bobble is a 3-D platformer like no other. Rugged Space Marines Bub and Bob (to be renamed Clyde and Doctor McFisty in the American edition) have been transmogrified by the demon king Baphamodeous into genetically enhanced spacedragons. (A process shown in painful detail during the 30-minute intro cinematic.) The two men set off after the demon into the Cave of Monsters order to save their busty girlfriends- and their humanity.

The game opens with a tutorial where an annoying fairy-like being flits around informing you how you can walk forward by pressing forward, and how ‘jumping’ can allow you to reach higher platforms. It’s standard fare, but things can get a little overwhelming as you reach the meat of the game’s physics engine- the fabled Bubble Dynamic System. Bub and Bob can fire these weird bubbles from their mouths that encase enemies, lifting them helplessly off the ground. Oddly, you cannot messily kill enemies directly with your bubble breath, or even watch them run out their air supply. Once the enemy is bubbled, a simple double tap of the analog stick while pressing L1 will enable a rapid dashing manuever, from there you can leap and pop the bubble with your razor sharp head spikes, accompanied by a jagged semi transparent ‘arc’ thing. Fallen enemies will drop life replenishing medikits and fruit, along with a small arsenal of Eastern European firearms. Guns allow you to take out enemies at a distance with little harm to yourself- but watch out! Some enemies have ‘guns’ too! In addition to being a weapon, you can also use the bubbles as stepping stones to higher ground.

In addition to the seemingly endless dungeon of the story mode, Bubble Bobble comes loaded with extras. You can play as the human versions of Clyde and Dr. McFisty, their well endowed girlfriends (Kazuki is a scantily clad ninja amazon assassin vampire, and Mystykya is her slightly more modest childhood best friend whose occupation is as a whore), Baphamodeous, the giant spider from Room 32, Christian Weston Chandler, the tutorial fairy, Link (on Wii only), Gothos HorrorDarkRavynCock (a Todd McFarlane original on the 360 version), James Stewart, and of course, Shadow, a unique ‘dark’ version of… one of the heroes (I’ll be honest, Clyde and Dr. McFisty are basically the same guy in blue and green respectively.)

The most controversial aspect of the game, just to address the elephant in the room here, is the ending- namely that the only way to get the real ending is in ‘co op’ mode. This is a tragic foresight on the part of the developers as it’s very difficult for friendless failures in life to see “A TRUE END (cutscene).” The lively XBox Live community, however, makes that console’s version slightly more attractive as it’s pretty easy to find a sharp voiced adolescent homophobe from the MidWest with nothing better to do than hold your hand through 99 floors of dungeons while calling you a fag at every turn. It’s annoying, but it’s the easiest way to get that 100% collection rate. Oh, speaking of which, I hope you like collecting things. Bub and Bob have the opportunity to steal Baph’s horde of treasure piece by piece, provided they first forage for the raw meterials you need to take to the blacksmith within the hidden room on the second to last floor to make a display case in which to put the 101 golden sex toys of Rahanimu, and repeat the process on Legendary difficulty in order to synthesize the materials needed to construct a nice wooden hutch on which to store collector’s commemorative plates representing each and every cel of animation from the Disney animated feature Fantasia. Though these fetch quests might be called mind-numbingly dull and repetitive, you’ll find that your chosen SpaceBioDragonoid will level up comparatively quickly during this process, allowing you to tank through the main game with ease. Your hit points will be so ridiculously high by the end of the Sex Toy hunt, that you won’t even need to bother with that pesky jump button or even the quick-sidestep invincible dodging technique.

Bubble Bubble (full title: Bubble Bobble: Now Is the Beginning Of the Aeon of Legendaryness) is also noted for its large, innovative boss encounters. In each, you dispense with the platforming and hordes of robots and zombies to take on one massive robot (or zombie.) They’re a challenging bunch, but if you stand in one place for a while then quickly sidestep while shooting whatever glows- with your GUNS- you just might pull through. Sometimes the game throws you for a loop though and you have to lure an enemy onto a bullseye, then shoot a lever to activate the giant steampunk piledriver things on the ceiling. God, I never would have thought of that if the auto-lock targeting circle for my Bubble Breath special attack hadn’t pointed at it when I tried locking onto the boss itself. My only complaint there- why do you need to hit the lever with a charged bubble shot? It takes a while to charge up, while dodging 3-d rendered shockwaves- the one weakness of my strategy of running around in a big circle shooting at a large target that can’t lead its shots.

In spite of some shortcomings, Bubble Bobble is a solid game, fun for all ages as long as they’re not too squeamish. There’s well… uh, there’s  a rape scene, alright? And it’s pretty graphic. Because they’re not using the right holes. Existing holes. They’re fucking a girl’s liver. The good guys, I mean. I haven’t gotten that far, but I assume there’s a good plot reason for that scene to be in there. Actually, rumor has it the Japanese version had a tea party in that cutscene’s place, so it’s exclusive to the US edition (the PAL format release keeps the original tea party scene, and the disc is cinnamon scented.) If you can get past the curious localization (Bub’s use of overly-formal Japanese has been replaced by a thick Irish brogue spattered by out of place Southern phrases, and for some reason the small cross neckalace sported by Mystykya was changed to a German Iron Cross for being too religiously symbolic. The level 53 boss, The Shitting Mohammed suffered a similar fate, replaced by a middle-manager who just asks you to sign his sign-in sheet before progressing deeper into the cave of monsters.

Bubble Bobble! Coming in 2009! Maybe! To your Xbox 360, Wii, PS3, or Kenmore EDGE Gaming Blender! Five bucks GUARANTEES you a copy at your local Gamestop!*

*Pre-orders receive a gorgeous four page glossy booklet full of the director’s thoughts (yes, all of them, in four, large-faced pages), a Kazuki gel mousepad, and one MadCatz UltraBobbler Wireless Gamepad- specially designed for use with BB’s revolutionary Dynamic Bubble Engine!

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