Blasted By The Past

You know, I was writing an in-depth, Jabootu-like review of the Transformers movie after a fit of temporary insanity lead me to watch it again. Then, when boredly clicking around my archive, I was reminded I did it already when the DVD came out. So, in lieu of posting redundant material, here’s a list of flubs and other stupid bits.

• The movie opens in “QATAR- THE MIDDLE EAST.” As opposed to Qatar, Illinois.
• Qatar also sure has a lot of mountains!
• The movie’s makers are really fond of making errors sound intentional. The character Barricade disappears without a trace following the highway chase scene, which is claimed to be a ‘thread for the sequel,’ but considering the average level of mental stimulation the movie provokes I doubt they could save a villain without throwing in a brief scene of him watching in the shadows only to disappear. Mysteriously.
• Further proving this is the scene at the end of Starscream  taking off for deep space. Could we have at least gotten a random police car to appear in the background so we can at least speculate?
• Transformers: The Game, in most all versions, has a better thought-out storyline. (In the DS version, Barricade uses his police disguise to put out an APB on the heroes while chasing them. In the movie, he jumps around going BLAH like the entire Decepticon army seems to.)
• When you hack a computer, whatever you’re doing appears on its monitor.
• On that note, space-hieroglyphic fonts seem to be standard on government computers.
• eBay assumes no responsibility for your information being acquired by gibbering metallic nightmares who will take your pants.
• Usually it takes more than two scenes for the It Girl to give up her Hunky Idiot Boyfriend for the Well-Meaning Nerd.
• Has Michael Bay met a black person lately? Has Bernie Mac?
• The shifty used car salesperson-of-color has a Hispanic worker who is implied to be lazy.
• …You did NOT just say “MAMMY!!”
• The scene where the Beetle’s tires go flat is a purposeful middle finger to both VW and people who wanted Bumblebee to be a Bug.
• If the Witwicky family was a sitcom, it would probably be better than Malcom in the Middle.
• So would “Ilsa: She-Wolf of the Suburbs.”
• For all the hype about how much Mikaela knows about cars, she doesn’t actually DO anything after popping the hood and admiring the engine. Granted, the audience is supposed to be ‘admiring’ her at this point.
• Ha ha, dumb-sounding Texan guy on Air Force One. How timely!
• When you use a stunt double, make sure we can’t see his face clearly.
• During the first big chase scene, there’s an Ed Woodian day> night transition the makers defend as being because the ‘chase was really long.’
• For all the military fetishism on display, there are a lot of little-to-large goofs; recently decommissioned F-14 Tomcats lining the deck of a carrier, a shot of an F-16 immediately after it’s stated F-22’s are being scrambled…
• Hm, a thought occurs. Is Sam a whiteboy stereotype or merely an unimaginative leading man?
• Is there a difference?
• So, they only bother to name the Decepticons in one almost superfluous scene, and manage to screw up Brawl’s name. Not fixed for the DVD release.
• Jazz is pretty recklessly destructive for a good guy (climbing on a roof, breaking the ‘Cadillac’ sign, smashing a car in his formal introduction)
• I promised myself I wouldn’t bring up his opening line again, but…

“WHAT’S CRACKIN’, LI’L BITCHES? THIS LOOKS LIKE A COOL PLACE TO KICK IT.”

• Autobots drive dramatically to the last battle ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. Decepti-cop Barricade has every right to chase them!
• No part of the SECRET ORIGIN of the Hoover Dam is right other than the fact it’s a dam. Alien artifact concealment aside, it wasn’t even called the Hoover Dam when it was built.
• Decaptitation to Frenzy was harmless and whimsical. Bonecrusher is left for dead. (He probably hates that.)
• Optimus Prime has an interesting inversion: rather than carrying a massively powerful thingamajig in his chest to protect others and carry on the wisdom of his race, he shoves powerful thingamajigs into his chest to kill himself.
• Apparently a worldwide communications blackout and an all out battle royale between twenty-foot robot aliens in a densely populated city with millions of onlookers (and presumably more than a few casualties) can be explained away by the Almighty Government in a manner so convincing that even the people kidnapped by them have no later suspicions.
• Actually, I can kinda buy the General-Type-Guy not knowing what the deepest point of the ocean is. Though I don’t think dumping killer robots there to ‘hide the evidence’ is a winning plan.
• Autobots like to watch.
• Some wonder how this movie will hold up years from now what with all the pop-culture references (eBay as a plot point, so on), but I think the soundtrack might have been dated when the end credits rolled.

WHAT I’VE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE