Tokimeki
Memorial
Tokimeki
Memorial is a dating simulator. Not a flight simulator, not a mech
simulator, not an RPG, and not a throwing flaming kittens into store
windows simulator. You play [your name here], a high school student,
who spends his time clicking on icons that represent his day-to-day
life. Somehow, all these things factor in to getting you a date with
one of several different girls. I used a FAQ/walkthrough for the first
ten minutes, then gave up and started mashing buttons. I found that
I got more dates by hitting "sleep" over and over than by
failing in track events and reading books.
Your
little character is probably one of the most incompetent, accident-prone
people I've ever had to play as. He's so dense that (in the science
club) he can drop an apple and it falls UP. In tennis, four out of
five times he winds up flinging his racket across the court. That's
about 24 of your friend's 32 teeth, there. And if he was going to
have his wisdom teeth yanked out, your best friend now has six teeth.
I can't begin to understand what makes this little guy so unfortunate.
He must dip his fingers in super-space lubricant every ten minutes
to pull off these random acts of clumsiness. And don't even try to
use the 'science' command- the stupid dink tries to balance sulfuric
acid and nitro glycerin with a scale. I have a safer way of using
science. I grab some science stuff, like test tubes and a white coat,
and stand behind a counter looking European. I guarantee you, within
ten minutes, a panicked general (or mayor, or Pope, or anyone more
important than you) will rush in and ask you to concoct a miracle
antidote for the virus that turned a lizard into a fire-breathing
giant lizard. The fitness command, or as I like to call it,
the Three Stooges command, prompts your little guy to run outside
and either trip and fall on his face, or jump into the air in celebration
that he didn't trip and fall on his face. There's also the more obvious
underlying message of this clown's inability to commit. It's one thing
to play the field. It's another thing all together when the object
of the game is to charm all the girls at once. Any given sitcom episode
will tell you that's a bad idea. And if the Fonz couldn't date a pair
of twins on the same night by running between the two restraunts,
it's safe to say this guy couldn't either. Now matter how much he
looks like Kaoru Nagisa's love child.
Fun
fact: After exams, when they show the scoreboard, that's Yuko's name
at the very, very bottom. Above yours, that is, you academically
retarded.
The
annual field trip to Australia is a good example of how true-to-life
this gaming experience is. It eventually boils down to an RPG-style
battle royale with a fire-breathing alligator. And even if you get
whacked, a boxing kangaroo bounces in and saves the day. Just like
in real life. The only thing I still don't buy about the whole thing
is why they thought Ayer's Rock was worth seeing. Maybe halfway they
flew to Devil's Tower to see the aliens land.
Your
second year at Kirameki High is much like the first. You're still
a prematurely gray dopey schoolkid whose raw clumsiness makes him
as dangerous as Megatron or even Leonard Maltin. And it seems to drive
all the girls with unnaturally colored radioactive hair wild. Your
friends Rei and Yoshi continue to be, respectively, upsettingly androgynous
and incredibly annoying. Calling Yoshi over the course of the game
allows you to see what girls you've met, which ones adore you, and
which ones are making bombs out of their cosmetics. He also has all
their phone numbers. Does something about this not seem right? This
clown seems to know more about your life than you do. But, of course,
your little guy isn't without his inevitable creepiness. He has a
perversely comprehensive bio of each girl, down to blood type, measurements,
complete with snapshots. Even more disturbingly, the bios in his notebook
include Rei. If there were a 'shower' command, rest assured I'd be
using it constantly. That is, assuming the girls don't have the 'peeping'
option in their browsers.
Yuina
is the coolest girl of all. She's not just a cold and distant type
with icy blue hair hanging over one eye and an "I can take you
any time, dumbass" look in her eye. She wants to take over
the world. I'm serious. In the midst of this twit's dull life
of sleeping, talking, and studying, she's building giant robots, laser
weapons, and god knows what else. The only thing that could make it
sweeter were if she were related to Dr. Forrester.
Yoshi,
who I will now resume calling Duo, introduces you to his little sister
Yumi. She's a grade below you, which makes her look like an elementary
student. And, as any 'sempai-ing' younger female invariably does,
she gets a crush on you on sight. I can't remember if that was before
or after I forced my doppleganger to take a nosedive down the concrete
stairs. This is a first-person game, so I can't really check, but
it's probably not a stretch to assume your little guy has a perpetual
nosebleed. For one reason or another. (Why are we to assume that whenever
men glimpse women's skin, their sinus cavity suddenly ruptures?) Yumi
enjoys 'fun' places like pro wrestling matches and arcade games. I
left her at the library about six times in a row to take Ayako to
the Museum of Suggestive And/Or Morbid Sculpture. It's pretty hard
to make her hate you, but I managed to do it. I can't help but wonder
if I would be more successful at this game if I understood what people
were doing or saying in general.
Each
year, there will be a school club fair, in which all the clubs show
off their disorders. I managed so far to wrangle the guitarist position
in Ayako's band, play a sadistic stage wrecker in the yearly theater
club production, and I was the target during one of Yuina's laser
shows. Oh, if only I had the luck to build my Science level high enough
to assist her in her evil plots.
You'll
encounter the 'mystery girl' Miharu randomly. She is very shy and
has a tremendous crush on you. In fact, she's so shy the only way
she can muster the guts to speak with you is by ramming full speed
into you in the hallways. She has weird hair, annoying theme music,
and always gets in the way. Paradoxically, this is the one girl you
can't ever date or talk to willingly. Maybe Maku (my doppleganger
here) is simply taking for granted the fact I have enough problems
taking care of his sorry 16-bit keister without trying to bond with
the creepy stalker girl. Miharu also is a practicioner of... BLACK
MAGIC!
Nozomi
is the 'tough girl' of the game, and a dead ringer for Martian Sucessor
Nadesico's Ryoko Subaru. In fact, that's what I called her before
I found out her real name. Talk about a fast start. The first time
I met her was in swim class. Enough said. Despite her tough, mass-produced
exterior, she has a soft spot for plants and flowers. This is clearly
a by-product of her alien pod upbringing and chlorophyll-enriched
hair. She's easy to keep happy and hard to impress, but then again,
it's probably my lack of Japanese reading ability. I liked her so
much I fought with a panda for her in China. The panda kicked
my ass.
The
most realistic part of the entire game was the ending I got- sitting
alone with a big bottle of sake. Just like in real life. And just
like in real life, I decide that simulating a relationship sucks and
I'd rather simulate samurai robot sword battles in an exploding building.
Note
to self. Retaliate against 'love.' Pick people off in twos. Find an
excuse to put an animal head in a person's house. Don't type notes
to self in video game review which will be posted on the internet
for all to see.
...
D'OH!
