Ikari (Warriors)

     Every really good NES game had an evil, bargain bin twin that existed to seduce parents into presenting their kids on their special day(s) with the silicon equivalent of typhoid. For every kid in the neighborhood with a copy of Bomberman, there was a sad kid elsewhere who had to make do with the deep space gardening sim Robo-Warrior. For every Megaman 2, someone was sobbing with a copy of Whomp 'Em. And for the kids who wanted Contra really bad, there were the Ikari Warriors.

     Ikari Warriors (referred to as simply 'Ikari' on the title screen-which means 'anger' or 'rage' in Japanese) first appeared as an arcade game with a nifty Smash TV-esque dual stick control scheme. This lead to many calls to the Ikari Chiropractors as their soldiers would often twist 360 degrees at the waist in the heat of battle. Also, your default gun had limited ammo. Kiss of death from SNK.

     Unfortunately, the NES controller was short a second directional pad, and Smash TV hadn't come out yet to give them a two controller mode to imitate, so the end result was a character who would gradually turn his gun barrel as you walked to the left or right. Walking in a circle in the middle of a charging horde ranks fairly high on the list of Things Not to Do in War, somewhere between 'standing still' or 'ask the enemy for directions to latrine.' The NES's color palette lends weird pastel color casts to the sprites, so every other TV I ever played the thing on made the Red player's headband turn pink. I realize it was the 80's (also: I'd be remised if I didn't allude to the 'ABBA' code) and all, but somehow pink fatigues and a headband just don't strike me as particularly intimidating.

     It had its good points, of course. The thing is, there's nothing this game does that the later Guerilla War didn't do better.

Ikari II: Victory Road

     An odd exception to the general rule that SNK fixes its series over time, Ikari II is significantly worse than its predecessor. You still have Paul and Vince from the first time around, but for some improbable reason on their way home from liberating the previous game's island, they were teleported to an alien world to battle the warlord Zang Zip (!!?!) the War Dog. I'd go into this more, but comrade Lago did a fine job at C-CN. Besides I have more stuff to briefly gloss over.

Ikari III: The Rescue

     Third time's a charm; this one is actually half playable. When I was a kid, I actually went out of the way to get a membership at some third-rate video rental outlet just to play Ikari Warriors III: the Rescue once, then the store closed and was replaced by a barber shop. Much like Robotech, however, when I rediscovered it it seemed a lot less shiny.

     Paul and his life partner Vince have been hired by someone to rescue a little girl from an army of gay men who really like the color green. Even though they were given a tank, they were distracted by each other's raw manliness and got destroyed by a poorly-guided missile. So, with only their matching kickboxer clothes and their wits to aid them, they must infiltrate the enemy fortress.

     If the terrorists have anything going for them in this game, it's got to be their choreography. Try not to laugh when you see a group of four men in full military gear jumping and twirling merrily across the path. By the second level, you see the same guys, only with headbands and knives.

     Ikari III will also go down in history as having the most painfully easy bosses of any SNK title. Be careful around the second level samurai boss, though! He might be dangerous if you stop punching him long enough. The hardest boss in the whole stupid game is actually the tank in the first level. But don't worry. You have infinite credits.

      Also: Note cameo appearances by a two-eyed Heidern (who would later be in King of Fighters in spite of only appearing briefly in cutscenes) and his family. They would lead a long, happy life (read: slaughtered by Rugal in the backstory to KOF.)

The Ikari Warriors took a good seven years or so to master the art of flight. From Ikari to KOF '95, almost every one of their appearances has involved an crashed or crashing aircraft. However, in 1996, the Ikari Team stunned the world by exiting a Blackhawk chopper at the start of a level without slamming it into an overpass. Which, incidentally sounds harder than landing a plane in a clear area.

Also, Ralf and Clark probably aren't the Paul and Vince from the games. Don't even think about it.

Guerilla War

At a glance, Guerilla War looks a lot like Ikari Warriors. Only better. And it is. It has a more digital-friendly control scheme and doesn't limit your machine gun ammo (realism has its place, dammit.)

What's interesting about Guerilla War, or rather, its alter ego Guevara! The island country being 'liberated' in this childhood favorite of mine turns out to be Cuba, and you and/or a friend are playing as revolutionary Che Guevara and/or Fidel freaking Castro. This was one of the handful of games my dad would actually play through with me. He took the revelation rather well that he was Castro ten years ago or so.

The historical information presented here, as in the iD Software documentary Wolfenstein 3-D, is strikingly detailed. Right down to the part where Che and Fidel were grabbed by the ankles and thrown halfway across the island by identical twin Mongols after destroying their magic bulldozer.