I slapped the
instruction booklet down on the table in front of the man in the strange
purple hat. "I knew the Guardian Legend. I played The Guardian Legend.
And you, sir," I drew a sharp breath before driving the point home,
"...are no The Guardian Legend."
"I never
said I was. That was all pre-release reviewer hype." He took out a
cigarette and put it in his mouth without so much as going for a lighter.
"Project: SSS is a brave new hybrid of action and adventure, the likes
of which has never seen before."
"Bullshit!"
I barked. "Like fifteen years ago, they had an adventure/shmup. Guardian
Legend. I know you have to have heard of it, it's on your company founder's
homepage as one of his favorite games."
"Let's
not drag him into this... he has his hands full with little Shantae right
now." I had to nod a little at that- his older sister of sorts by a
different mother platform grew up neglected, and now was waiting around
her father's place waiting for an interested investor to provide that last
little oomph for her new project to go through. Sweet, little Shantae. She
grew up. She filled out. But her head was still about half of her body mass.
"Let's
go back to the beginning, though," I resigned, as this reminiscing
and comparing of gossip was going nowhere fast. I wanted the meat of the
case like a runway supermodel secretly craves a Wendy's Triple with cheese.
"So, this commanding officer of yours chose you for a secret mission,
yes?"
"That
is correct." The shifty double agent stood up in his seat, probably
flashing back to his discharge. "I'd just finished the first level,
and next thing I know, he slipped me a mickey."
"Leave
the damn rat out of this!"
"Not that
mickey, you stupid flatfoot. Anyway, I was supposed to infiltrate the enemy,
as the enemy. So they chained me up in a derilict ship's brig and left me
for dead for the Krill to find."
I scribbled
"Buy more popcorn shrimp" into my notepad and nodded for him to
go on.
"So yeah,
I got taken aboard and skinned."
"Ugh."
"Not that
kind of skinned! That's what we-er, they call it when you get fitted with
a parasite."
"The funky
hat."
"...YES,
THE FUNKY HAT THAT BLINKS AND HAS ITS TAIL DUG DEEP INTO MY SPINE."
The little wings on the hat flittered uselessly at the rise in emotion.
"As I was saying, I got a parasite, and that put me in mental synch
with the biomechanical space fighters patrolling the planet. And when they
get spooked, they teleport the nearest available pilot up to help them fight."
"OK, so
that's where the shooter levels come into play. Does that mean they're just
random encounters? I hope they're pretty good in that case..."
"Actually,
it was a little annoying," Recker admitted. "At first it was WOW,
because the ship is plugged into my brain and I could feel everything, but
when I got chosen by the big Toaster of Doom-looking trapezoid ship, enemies
couldn't fucking miss me and well... I felt EVERYTHING. You know that the
undercarriage of a fighter jet feels like one big solar plexus? And that
everything above that basically feels like a blow to the head or crotch?
Depending on how far back anyway."
"Uh...
I did not know that. Thanks for sharing... You know, Arle the Guardian was
a woman. You think that's why she could take more abuse? Not having the
same... organs in that case."
"The Guardian
was a robot. That's why she could take more abuse. Hey, maybe the
woman thing explains why Psyme was so good at it. Before the baby anyway."
"Ah yes,
Psyme... tell me a bit about her."
"I first
met her by walking in on her changing. It was love at first sight. She was
smart, sassy, and wore nothing but a squirmy tentacled organism. Of course,
she kind of got bitchy when she found out I was the Earthman who-"
"I think
that's a spoiler."
Recker laughed.
"Scarlet is the virus!" he blurted before I could cut him off
that time. "And Blune is a traitor! And Captain Tierney dies!"
"God,
cut it out already. Get back to the thinly veiled game commentary."
In the meantime I pulled my GBA-SP out of the drawer and turned it on, muting
it so he wouldn't know I was really starting my second time through Riviera:
The Promised Land instead of Sigma Star Saga.
"So yeah...
Pretty much, commanders gave me search missions. Find 7 fossils. Plant 10
signal flares. Gather 5.42 in change so we can go to Taco Bell." He
seemed a little peevish about now and started searching for a light. I provided
one. "It was pretty annoying. I'd be about two steps from a Data Plug
or health pickup, then suddenly a Big Bertha ship gets spooked by a flying
rubik's cube- Honestly, wouldn't you?- and I'd have to go fight that. Then
come down to the planet's surface and fight some other stuff."
"What
sort of equipment did you get?"
"Oh, those
Krill weapons were sweet. I could mix and match three types of gun data
to make custom weapons as needed. Even if I did pretty much just use the
Heavy Shot/Max Spread/Barrier setup... nearly the whole time."
"Sounds
cool. Probably made the exploration segment enemies cake."
"Cake
yeah, but not because of that. Planetside all I got was a pistol and a hockey
puck with an eye on it."
"A wha-"
"Granted
it exploded, but it was a hockey puck! With an eye! It didn't even home
or anything, I think the eyeball was just there to creep me out. But I did
get some other stuff, like an x-ray scanner. I had kind of a bad habit of
walking into things when it was turned on though. Oh yeah, and Psyme gave
me Girl Wings."
"...Girl
Wings?"
"Yeah.
'Girl wings. Wings like a GIRL.' Happy?"
"Quite.
So you don't even get to use the guns you customize while exploring. How
much of a split would you say the game is, between shooting and wandering
around combing planets with a little scanner? 50/50?"
"Maybe
more like uh... 30/70."
Brass tacks
time. And when I got done sticking them in my file folder, I decided to
cut to the chase. "So, despite all this, you want me to go out there
and dig up evidence you ain't a bad game." I clicked off the SP. "I'll
tell you what. You could use a little bit of polish, maybe some more adrenaline
in these shooter battles. You know what-- side-scrolling shooters are too
slow anyway. Try it the other way, top-down. And try to talk the commanders
into letting you keep your hard earned guns on the planetside. But for the
most part, I like the story you got here, and the fact that it involves
juggling sci-fi vixens on the side doesn't hurt it. In fact, I'd sort of
like to be able to play as this Scarlet broad. Or Psyme. They're both shown
way bigger than you on the box."
"Don't
remind me," Recker moaned. "But does that mean you'll take the
case? You like it???"
I gave him
a corny wink and thumbs up. "Sure. It's no TGL, but on the other hand
it isn't Vietnam in a cartridge. Besides, I like the cut of your old man's
jib. He made a freakin' hot zombie."
"You...
like Rotty Tops?"
"Well,
her name makes my imagination work."
"...You're
a little sick."
"You've
got a cape made of tentacles and an alien wife."
With a handshake,
we parted ways. Sigma Star Saga... you're alright.
But no TGL.
So I kick back
and play some more Riviera.
~fin~
Home/ Gaming
