Meet Karnov, magical man of mystery. God, is he mysterious. Is he a genie? Some kind of Turkish athlete? Or just some shirtless fat guy who breathes fire? Whatever he may be, he's our hero. Join him in his fun-filled world of run-down slums and flying demons. And maybe, just maybe- we'll learn a thing or two about ourselves.

On a typical Los Angeles day, lightning strikes a huge mound of compost, and a fat guy in red harem pants materializes. He then proceeds to spread love and joy by breathing fire and eating red orbs. Sometimes, after picking up one of the many road signs that dot the ghetto, he gains useful abilities, like dropping cherry bombs, growing wings, or shooting a 12 foot ladder out his butt. But he is ever alert, and vigilant, and he's got a weak spot for pudding. So watch out, or you're liable to get the sweet end of a curly toed shoe rammed down your windpipe.

Sometimes THE MAN gets to him, and he turns blue. But once he chokes down another red dot, he's back to his rosy cheeked bad self. Also take note of his amazing grace- for a guy who weighs at least 300 pounds, he just floats through the air. Of course, L.A. has some pretty thick air, so maybe it's not as big a deal as I make of it. Actually, come to think of it, I had a pudgy uncle who could actually get airborne off his own flatulance. Then one day, he got into the refried bean vat at a reunion and he flew off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

For every three K's you collect, you gain a pointed hat with eyeholes and can adopt a mile of highway. Karnov has a big heart, and he shows it to the world. The part on your icon bar that stores your K's has a number under it, which seems to imply something good will happen when you collect a certain number of them.

Proving once more fish are inherently evil- this thing. It has fins, opposable thumbs, and a crotch. That's enough to get him into the X-Men, but he preferred phasing in and out of a bad part of town. He's the first boss in the game, and the only one I can remember from playing it when I was seven. Even then, it took actually SEEING it again to jar my memory. No, I remembered Karnov for Karnov. A chunky sex machine who bounds through the streets, breathing fire by daylight, and winning love by moonlight. He's Karnov, baby, and he's a card-carrying badass motherfucker with his own theme music. Nothing can stop him 'cuz nobody knows what he is.

This game sucks.

RATINGS!
Graphics: 1 Really, all they have to convey is how fat you are. I no longer have any expectations for platform game enemies to look like what they're supposed to be.
Sound: 2 There's this catchy tune. And it never stops. EVER.
Gameplay: 0 Try running underwater sometime. From a shark. That's how the controls feel.
Overall: 1 By the time you see the weird dragon thing in the second level, you're ready to turn off the power switch, pull it off the system, drive 100 miles to a landfill, bury it in a deep grave, then hit your head until amnesia sets in.
Noonsa Points: 2 There's a fishman.