Garfield. If you're illiterate and don't remember him from the newspaper
comics section, then you probably remember his endlessly syndicated
cartoon series. Perhaps you've napped in Garfield liscensed sheets or
used Garfield Marital Aids. Having put his bulbous sarcastic orange
face on virtually any object that can be mass-produced by mankind, it's
not that suprising that he's had a few ventures into the overcrowded
video game market. It's also fitting that none of them have exactly
done well as they seem to have about as much effort in them as Garfield
himself would put into them. Which brings me to the typical Screwed
Up Japanese Version.
The redundant Garfield: A Week of Garfield
title reassures us that this is in fact, a game about Garfield and not
Peanuts or X-Men. Garfield has to go on a journey across Jon's incredibly
large and incredibly poorly laid-out house to find Odie, who seriously
just wandered off the title screen (see above.) It's gratifying to finally
see a video game with that abortive, "We already give up, just
play the game and make up your own story" approach. You'd expect
them to at least fake it, like say, "ODIE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY
NINJAS. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH GARFIELD TO SAVE ODIE?" I suppose
no plot is better than a stock plot in this case, since the idea of
Garfield fighting a wizard or doing anything remotely aerobic is about
as believable and M. Bison running Ryu over with a truck. Which sadly,
almost happened in the movie.
Since Garfield comics
have a cast of about three people, and nothing really happens, you see
a lot of what I like to call 'improvisational enemies.' These are the
pixelated monsters that rush at you in platform games, leaving you to
wonder what just killed you after you are killed. Garfield battles such
terrifying creatures as inchworms/fecal matter, white mice, frogs, and
baseballs. Birds hate him too, of course (see also Karateka, Ninja Gaiden,
Gilligan's Island, Joust, and every other NES platform game) and then
there are unidentifable green splots that speed across the room at speeds
light can only hope to achieve one day. The things that really gets
me is that the mice hit like a linebacker, and tend to smash you into
a corner and actually crush you to death. An oversized cat should be
able to take a hit from any mouse, just like a man in a bus playing
chicken with a Pinto. The baseball best sums up the programmer's spirit,
though. It randomly plops from the sky, bounces a little, and just kind
of rolls offscreen.
And what crappy platformer
would be complete without useless powerups? As Garfield's stripey orange
behind scoots across the level, he randomly uncovers tiles with heirogylphs
on them. Coffee and milk add about a micron to your life meter, but
every other food item is ammunition. I like the exploding pastry and
three-way cookie shot, but why would a cat use bones as a weapon? His
default attack involves looking ticked and raising his leg slightly,
and it does no damage to anything, anywhere, ever. I assume he's supposed
to be spraying his territory. He can also crawl around on all fours
by turning himself into a real cat temporarily.
Jet boots. Garfield
the cat is the last person, plant or animal who would use them. And
yet, there they are, conveniently on one of Jon's many windowsills.
If Jon has anything in greater quantity than windows, it's tables. He
has a table placed every table length in his house. There's also a bed
in the living room, which isn't quite as weird as the baseballs in the
kitchen.
And, just when it
was safe for atheists to play video games after the stoning of Wisdom
Tree, here's Garfield in church on Wednesday. This is his last known
photo before he was beaten to death by three orange birds. Maybe I should
have tried for a Super Hail Mary combo or something, but I was too overcome
with joy that I only went through a three day Week of Garfield to try
and save him. Let that brainless mutt find his own way home. It's the
way Garfield would have wanted it.