Cool World
I
wonder how many of these type of games, total, LJN and Acclaim subjected
us to throughout the NES's life cycle. There were at least three NES
games based on the Simpsons, each based around the concept that if Bart
Simpson was the one hopping clumsily through poorly laid-out levels
and duking it out with housepets and furniture instead of some generic
cartoon animal, it would be more fun. OK, I exaggerate. I fully believe
that Acclaim knowingly released terrible platformers based on movies
and TV shows of dubious quality solely for profit, and they would probably
also sell toxic waste to elementary school cafeterias. I mean, they
have to be getting that medical waste from somewhere, right? However,
this game wasn't made by Acclaim. SHOCK AND AWE. It was actually made
by Ocean, the people who brought you the Robocop series of games. I
just thought the de rigueur bashing of Acclaim would be a good attention
getter for this review.
Cool
World was a crappy movie. For starters, it was a gimmick movie- animated
characters side by side with real actors! WOW! Just like Roger Rabbit,
only suckier. All the characters look like the sort of mascot you'd
see adorning bootleg cereal at K-Mart. Except for maybe the lead animated
lady, Holli Would (uh, zing! I think?) who is probably more gainfully
employed as the official spokesperson for XXX TOONS 110% FREE NO AVS
today. If you missed it, as you probably should have, a lonesome cartoonist
named Harris somehow created a bridge between the real world and his
'Cool World', home of the 'Doodles.' Doodles are like the Toons from
Roger Rabbit, only they call them something else. Something screws up,
and Harris's wank fodder comes to life and climbs the Empire state building
trying to merge realities. Or something like that. It's been about a
year since the last time I caught it on Sci-Fi, and I don't plan on
re-watching it to be more accurate to the director's and developer's
'vision.' For now I'll just assume they wanted two hours of Holli squirming
about in that skintight white dress.
Anyway,
much as the movie Cool World was a whole class below Roger Rabbit, the
NES adaptation can only grovel in the dirt left behind by the less-than
stellar Roger Rabbit game. Harris hops around town sucking up hapless
Doodles with his giant ink pen and depositing them in ink wells for
a life refill. Eventually he fights bosses in horrible, unintuitive
matches. He can also toss erasers at people, and instead of leaving
a cloud of mostly inedible rubbings, turn them into delicious candy
canes. Why candy canes? Beats me. Each level also has a weird stage-specific
weapon that needs to be used to solve some retarded puzzle, like the
carrots you feed to the rabbits in Sweet Meadow, or the cherry bombs
in the big city. You also throw pies at adorable little bobbies in one
level. The bobbies really have it in for Harris, since the police car
makes an appearance in almost every other level to make a series of
hit and run attempts.
And
that isn't even factoring in the strange damage system. In the city
level (of the four stages selectable in the start), you can take direct
hits from guns, thugs, and neon signs about four times before half a
heart goes away. Oddly enough, in the happy happy meadow, the bunny
rabbits do about a tick and a half of damage. The only consistent thing
is that being hit by a car always kills Harris. The respawn rate is
pretty frustrating as well. Say you use your ink pen to suck up one
of the cheerful mass murderers coming out of one of the many "CLUB"
franchisees. As soon as the 'sucking' animation ends, the door flies
open and out steps another enemy. The enemies re-appear literally as
soon as one bites it- which really bites (or maybe sucks) when your
ink pen is full and you can't suck any more. You then must find an ink
well to empty your pen into which regains your life. Maybe he uses the
well to redraw damaged parts of his cartoon self, or maybe it symbolizes
erotic release. In any case, sucking is a recurring theme in Cool World.
And,
just because Ocean HATES me specifically, there's a damned AUTO SCROLLING
level. On skateboards, to rub salt in the wound. The end result is kind
of like playing a version of T&C Surf Design where Thrilla has been
replaced by a painfully-tanned man in a white leisure suit. Yeah, that
oozes class, doesn't it?
The
graphics are actually sort of suitable for the game, a far cry from
the jolly NUKE-collecting tin man Robocop was presented as in the NES
games. They look like shitty cartoons, much like the characters they
were based on. Despite that comment, they don't look like the precise
crappy characters they are supposed to represent. Take a look at the
NES rendition of Holli at right top. She looks like a noseless Mario
Paint rendition of Pamela Anderson. The pissed-off bear tending bar
at Slash's Club (where the cover charge is blowing the lid off a garbage
can) really looks about the closest to a person or thing from the movie.
The levels are of course, as badly laid out as any generic platformer,
mainly consisting of a long, flat road, with occasional buildings and
outcroppings to hop on, assuming you can tell the difference between
a foothold and a piece of non-interactive background tile. A daunting
task indeed. An odd quirk about jumping to and from platforms in this
game; Harris takes falling damage any time he comes down from a platform
back to the street, even if said platform is roughly as high off the
ground as his hip, a fact made even more annoying by the fact he catches
some real air when he jumps, yet suffers no ill effect upon landing.
Maybe he suffers from some toon equivalent of osteoporosis, or maybe
they picked some code that didn't make it into Robocop 3 to paste into
this wreck.
If
this is the Cool World, please, please direct me to whatever planet
Star Trek nerds play chess on while polishing their eight-sided dice.
-MANNA