ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER MOBILE REPORT
GUNDAM W(ing)

Narrator: Mankind emigrated to space, because it got bored of sitting in its room all day. Several space colonies were established, and our governments set about to immediately opress them. It is the year After Colony 195. Operation: Merchandise. the colonists devise a plan to smuggle new weapons to the earth... disguised as shooting stars. God, that is corny. Do I actually have to read this with such a serious tone?

Dr. J: OK, let's auger this baby in, Heero. Whoosh!

Heero: Whatever.

Zechs: Look at that, ensign. Could it be Operation M?

Ensign: Sorry, Zechs. It's disguised as a re-entry shuttle, not a shooting star. There's also 4 other pods falling towards the earth, Lord Vader.

Zechs: I may wear a fruity mask, but I'm not Darth Vader. Since we can't get all them, let's go after this one! Shoot him a lot until he stops moving! No machine gun for him!

Ensign: That sounded really dumb, sir.

Zechs: I am a _true_ soldier. So shut your gob or I'll take a nine-iron to your head.

Heero: A civilian shuttle is in the way. I can't destroy it in front of this guy, but I REALLY REALLY want to, and later on I'll wish I had.

Relena: I hate you, daddy.
Dorlian: I'm sorry I can't buy you the new Barbie Death Star, but I have to spill confidential files on you. You didn't see that. Or that, outside the window.
Relena: Look, it's the title of the episode. "The Shooting Star She Saw." And I still hate you, daddy.

Heero: Oh crap. My thing fell apart.

Zechs: It became a bird-like fighter, so I'll just hop into this Leo and go after him. Ouch! Low ceiling. Good thing I'm wearing this cast-iron Kool-Aid pitcher on my skull.

Ensign: I'll follow you after I run potty.

Heero: Zechs will totally freak when he sees me take all his shots with no effect. Uh-oh, it seems my engine has an owie.

Zechs: I kick ass.

Ensigns: We're here to save you, Zechs!

Zechs: Thanks for the parachute. And thanks for nothing as well. Oh crap!

Heero: Trans-former, more than meets the eye. Trans-former... now you're gonna die.

Ensigns: HI-KEEBA!! *AAAAURGH!!

Zechs: That machine is so strong, it has to be a Gundam. Catch me, daddy! Oh, right, that annoying 'gravity' thing is going to slam dunk us into the icy water. I luv you buh-bye!! *EJECT*

Heero: I flirt with suicide, sometimes it kills the pain... Oh crap. That girl saw my face. Let me slap my wrist and blow myself up. Damn! Doesn't anything work today?

Relena: I don't understand. Here comes the ambulance. Heero, why are you biting the head off the doctor and stealing the ambulance!? And by the way, my name is Relena!

Heero: Maybe I can wrap this thing around a utility pole while giving myself a cyanide injection and cutting my wrists with scalpels. Or better yet, I'll enlist at this private school.
***

Zechs: Isn't it great how I magically got back into my carrier in space with no vehicle? It seems there's another four Gundams. Please, enjoy these brief cameo appearances.
***

Duo: I'm the bright n' sunny God of Death! I've broken a window with a baseball, and will proceed to run away real fast! I'm like Dennis the Deathscythe-Driving-Menace!
***

Soldier: We're being massacred!

Trowa: As if anyone cared, my name's Trowa. Faster, Heavyarms! Kill, kill!
***

Another Soldier: I think I found the droids from Star Wars. Ack! Were being attacked by Alladin's Forty Theives!!

Quatre: I'm sorry! *SLASH I'm sorry! *SKLVICH, GORE I'm sorry! *BOOM You shoulda surrendered... *sob,sob
***

Wufei: I'm Wufei, and I'm not hiding from anyone. Grr! CAN YOU SMELL WHAT NATAKU IS COOKING!?
***

Teacher: Have a seat by Miss Relena, Heero. Ask her anything you like.

Heero: Lick me.

Relena: But we just met! Here, come to my birthday party. Maybe I'll lick you then.

Heero: *RIP

Relena: But why?

Heero: Don't cry. I'll kill you. Cripes, who turned on the Terminator soundtrack?

-TO BE CONTINUED-

======================

LAST TIME, on GUNDAM WING...

Zechs: Gundams are on Earth.

Relena: Tee-hee. You wanna, like come to my birthday party?

Heero: Screw off and die.

GUNDAM-W EPISODE 2

"The Gundam Deathscythe."

Zechs: Hey, captain. I'll trade you a sub tune-up for these cool new mobile suits.

Captain: Are you kidding? Didn't you see us shoving a dozen or so of those things overboard? Oh well. Yours must be special or something so, what the hell.

Zechs: Fool. I'll get the Gundam before him.

Heero: I've cleared my entry fees, downloaded about 56 MB of porn, and located some torpedoes. It's time for an orgy of death and mayhem.

Duo: Speaking of which, heeeeere's Duo! Cue the Jaws theme! *slash-slash BOOM* Dude, another Gundam just like mine. Well... not JUST like. But whatever! It's mine now!

Friends: Happy birthday, Relena!

Relena: Hello. Whatever. I hate you daddy.

Dorlian: Oops, I dropped the pictures again. Call me butterfingers.

Relena: Hm. This preppy twerp says he saw Heero driving towards the miltary base. I'd better wander right into the crossfire to get him to notice me.

Heero: Relena... Hold really still. I'm going to play William Tell and try to knock a head off your shoulders.

Relena: I really should have expected this...

Duo: Cue the James Bond theme! *BLAM! What the hell? That's the bad guy!

Relena: Don't hurt Heero.

Heero: Hurt me. And her. Badly. In fact, kill everyone.

Relena; Hey, what's that?

Duo: A flare. Hey, doesn't this remind you of Men in Black? Cue the Men in Black theme!

Heero: SUUUURGE!! *KABOOM*

Duo: He blew up both Gundams (and himself)! That must mean he's that thing's pilot!

Heero: Pretty, pretty stars... *blub*...

-TO BE CONTINUED-

(Just not right now. Skip ahead about two dozen episodes of robo-themed soap operatics...)

LAST TIME, ON GUNDAM WING!
Heero: My knees are going clackety-clack. Oh crap.
Treize: You can't die because you're the main character. Come into my parlor.

GUNDAM WING EPISODE __
And its Name is 'Epyon.'

Zechs: Sayonara, Tallgeese. You were a trusty but really fruity MS.
Tallgeese: I'm so pissed I could just EXPLODE!! *self-destruct*
Zechs: Ah, Wing Zero has that 'new Gundam' smell.
Jerk: Hee hee! Blow it up!!
Wing Zero: What was _THAT_ supposed to do?! Oh well. Eat motorbike.

Heero: I'm kind of moved by the way those men died for Treize. Or maybe it's just my deep desire to blow myself up.
Treize: Come on, already. The fans who read the title just want to see the new Gundam.
Heero: Even though you're a prick and I hate you, sure, I'll come to your house.
Treize: Great. I'll order a pizza. *Click Just kidding. We're both great soldiers so we need to kill each other to satisfy my warped sense of chivalry.
Heero: Nope. Less talk, more Gundam.
Soldiers: AHHH! This is like the third time we've blown up in the last five minutes! Stock footage hurts!
Treize: Here's Epyon. It's like your Gundams except it's kinda pure evil. I hope you stay a loser.
Heero: Ok, I'll take it and see my future. And I hope I'm a loser too. 'Soy un perdidor... I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me..." Damn, Microsoft Epyon A.C. 195 takes forever to boot up.
Treize: I wonder what that twenty-minute exposition about the meaning of life had to do with this.
Heero: Slash and burn fighting. I love this stuff. Hey, this is a lot like Wing Zero. It even has the madness built in. *drooool, snarl* MY BLOODLUST CANNOT BE QUENCHED!! ANYONE WHO FIGHTS IS MY ENEMY!
****
Treize: Well, did you see your future, Heero?
Heero: *PUKE*
Treize: That's one way of putting it. OK, time for the ear-cleaning.
Heero: Put away the gun. I don't have the right to blow you apart (for reasons the screenwriters have yet to tell me.)
Treize: Damn. I was really looking forward towards a cocked revolver-job.
Heero: This is a 'combat episode.' Can we save the yaoi stuff for a 'peaceful episode?' *PUKE, faint*
-TO BE CONTINUED

LAST TIME, ON GUNDAM WING...
Treize: You're a loser.
Heero: You're a loser.
Treize: We're both losers, but only you fit in the robot.
Heero: *PUUUKE*

GUNDAM WING EPISODE __
The Return of Wufei

Wufei: I'm back and brought a friend. Meet the 100% completed Altron.
Zechs: Nice to meet you 100% completed Altron. Eat buster rifle. Uh-oh, I'm tripping!!
Wing Zero: Does this bug you... I'm not touching you...
Wufei: YOU'RE WEAK!! *WHACK*
Zechs: Good thing I wore my helmet. That smarts.
Howard: Now that we're all friends, all aboard this large boomerang.
Wufei: Screw you, I'm going my own way.
Duo: Cue Usher's 'My way!" Har, har!

GUNDAM WING EPISODE WHATEVER
The Fall of the Sank Kingdom

Noin: Fight, MS! For everlasting peace!
Soldier: Yes, ma'am! *BLAM, SMASH, KABOOM* Suck peace, you (*&%ing droid! *WA-TAK*
Heero: If I go... well, Heero again, no one will be able to stop me. I'll just run for the mountains and live in a remote shack.
Noin: More backup troops?
Mobile Dolls: Yes, it is the same four or five of us re-arriving, but don't concern yourself with that!
Noin: Owie!
Quatre: Miss Noin! Please miss her!! Oh, stupid dolls!

Dorothy: Isn't it lovely the way all of your pacifists are fighting?
Relena: Crud, I can't have peace so I'm going to surrender.
Dorothy: Ooh! Can I have your autograph! I'm such a huge fan of yours, your Highness.
Relena: Why do I detect sarcasm...?
Quatre: Oh... De plane! De plane!
Big Arab Guy: Should I go after them?
Quatre: No... that'd be pretty rude.
Relena: I'm lost without a map. Say, Dorothy, could you turn down your CD player?

OZ Guy: Isn't it great how we're winning all of a sudden? Wait, there's still one MS that's resisting...

Epyon: GRR! GUNDAM SMASH!!
Mobile Dolls: Mother(board)! *BOOM*
Heero: WHO WANTS SOME?!?!
-to be continued

(finally)
Gundam Wing Episode 49
The Final Victor

Zechs: We will have peace at any cost. And here's the price tag- the whole human race!! Libra, tackle attack the Earth, now!
Heero: Cool! I mean, those who lose the Earth will hate you. I guess. Eat plasma.
Zechs: Yoink! Not so tough without your gun, are ya? huh?! HUH?!? WHO HAS THE STONES NOW!?

Noin: Zechs wants to die. Heero probably knows this... or at least he should (being Suicide Boy.)

Libra: *urp... too much Taco Bell... I'm going down, down, down....

Une: Get all Mobile Suits ready for inaction! It's what Treize would have wanted.
Soldier: But sir-ma'am-
Une: You wanna get shot?
Sally: So, Treize wanted peace all along.
Une: He's not here to contradict me, now is he.
OZ Guy: It's Queen Relena!
Relena: Stuff it.

Duo: Hyuck! Here we are at the peacemillion! Cue the... uh... Peacemillion theme. Uh-oh, Virgoes!!
Dr's.: Thanks!
Quinze: Not so fast, high priests of prosthetic facial features!
Prof. G: My nose is real. Real sad.
Dr. J: Looks like we get a lousy role in this show. *KABOOM.

Une: Here, take revenge for when my makeup went off and killed your father.
Relena: OK! I mean, no, that won't prove anything.
Howard: When those two ships hit the earth, it's gonna be like what happened to the dinosaurs all over, except 65 million years from now Michael Crichton will write a story about a theme park where MS have been cloned from petrified mosquitoes. The merchandising will be... unthinkable.

Trowa: Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Yes, Mr. Barton. I won't incite wars anymore.
Quatre: We can still be friends, right?
Trowa: Quatre, shut the hell up. She can stand on her own. Let's go.
Quatre: My tummy hurts!

Noin: I'll now broadcast the fight between Zechs and Heero, live on pay-per-view.
Sally: You're taking Gundam merchandise to another level!

Heero: Grr! Die die die die!
Zechs: I hate the weak!
Heero: I totally agree, weak people totally suck!
Zechs: Why are we fighting?
Heero: Because I have a lot of anger and don't know where to direct it! Suck gatling!
Zechs: Chew beam saber!
Heero: Kiss pavement!
Zechs: Blundering fool!
Heero: Mother-f---

Une: This battle has no point, but it's fun.
Colony Rep: Hey, she was supposed to be dead.
Colony Rep 2: She was just in a coma. You folks at home buy that?

Zechs: I win!
Heero: Weak people suck. *shink* Now I win.
Noin: Oh no!

Howard: Well, Libra's been deflected but part of it is still falling.
Noin: Oh no!
Quatre: We've got to stop that piece from falling! Um... maybe I can make friends with it.
Duo: It's time to do my nutty coo-coo God of Death thing!
Trowa: Hey, it's Wufei.
Wufei: I have Heero's buster rifle... he's so weak his girly wrists couldn't support it, I suppose.

Heero: OK, Zechs, I've been fairly patient with you over the past 48 episodes, but I'm really getting sick of you acting like an ambigous RPG villain. You want to fight for OZ, you want to destroy OZ, you want to wage war, you want to prevent war... just CUT IT OUT!
Zechs: Chase me!
Heero: Zechs... (dramatic pause) I'm gonna kill you.

Howard: Well, here's to nuclear winter.
Sally: This sucks.
Noin: Oh, no!
Relena: Heero! Brother! Stop fighting!
Heero& Zechs: Shut up, Relena!
Heero: Hey, Epyon? Did you see this future coming?! *SCHTUNK*
Epyon: Yegods! I've been _disarmed._
Zechs: Kill me.
Heero: If I did, Relena would never let me hear the end of it. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's her voice.
Quatre: Heero! We've got to destroy this thing!
Heero: Oh, not these losers again...
Duo: This is the way we thresh the wheat, thresh the wheat, thresh the wheat...
Trowa: And the moral of this story is keep shooting no matter what happens- because nobody has anything worth hearing.
Quatre: uhh! I'm hit by nothing!
Arabian Man: There there. We of the Maganac Corps will always be covering your lilly ass.

Heero: Take a moment to appreciate the irony. Now that I have somewhat of a reason to live, I run out of ammo and will have to self destruct to take out this uh... boiler room. I'll never see Relena again. Woohoo!! (reaches for button)
Zechs: Don't think you'll get off that easy! *KABOOM*!
Heero: Nuts. Maybe I can be beaten to death by the shrapnel.
Wufei: Heero, there's something beautiful about life, that only you can truly appreciate.
Heero: You mean that sharp pain in my side i get around relena is... love?
Wufei: No, dickweed. I meant the joy of searing annihalation of thousands of lives. Here's your buster rifle.
Heero: Mission accepted.
Quatre: Guys, you can go home.
Arabian Man: No- if you die we wanna watch, Great White Satan. I mean, Master Quatre.
Wufei: Heero got his gun back.
Quatre/Trowa/Duo: AHHHHHH!!!!

Heero: Ahhh. The atmosphere....

Sally: Heero's doing the impossible!
Reena: Heero!
Noin: Oh, no!

Heero: Target.... lock.... I WILL SURVIVE!!
Duo: Cue the-
Heero: <Screw Libra, I've got to take out that stupid Duo.> I mean, FIRE!!

Duo: Man, he's a piece of work.
Quatre: Those tight-
Trowa: Shut up, Quatre.
Wufei: I still think you all suck.
Quatre: I get it now! Heero is the Soul of Space!
Duo, Trowa, Wufei, Heero, The Doctors, Sally, Relena, Zechs, Treize, Une, Otto, Tallgeese, Epyon, Wing Zero, Sandrock, Shenlong, Altron, Heavyarms, Arabian Man, Hilde, Domon, Rain, Allenby, Lady Macbeth, Aquaman, Solomon Grundy, Wolverine, Mega Man, Mario, Luigi, Yoshiyuki Tomino, and Moe: SHUT UP, QUATRE.

Noin: Dorothy, youve been in the graveyard for three days.
Dorothy: I'm done. This sentimentality stuff is so cliche.
Noin: Flowers for Treize.
Dorothy: What about Milliardo?
Noin: He's not dead.

Relena: Well, mars is being colonized and I'm a really important official.
Heero: 'Scuse me.
Relena: it's alright. Hey, wait a sec... a note from Heero. *rip*
Heero: ?
Relena: Give it to me in person next time.
Heero: I was just warning you about the bomb. Oh well.

-the end

...and, just for the heck of it, I summarized the end credits.

END CREDITS-
Heero: You can't see me.
Wing: Check out my joysticks. Heh-heh.
Heero: I didn't hear that. I'm busy doing this tai-Chi stuff.
Duo: What's with the hips on this jumpsuit?
Trowa: "..." (translation: "Despite the way I'm dressed right now, I'm all man.")
Quatre: Can't we all just meditate together? Zomm... zommm...
Wufei: OOOOooooOOOOOH! Dig me, I'm Bruce Lee.
Shenlong, Deathscythe, Sandrock, Heavyarms: Check out this stuff! Wait, I'm not done!
Zechs: It's go time.
Heero: Ow, my arm. Eat plasma.
Zechs: I'm outta here.
Heero: I'm falling. I shouldn't pull the ripcord.
Gundams: We hope you enjoyed the show. Maybe we'll get more action next episode. Or maybe our pilots will just banter and bicker some more.
~fin~

Run, Run, or you'll be well done!