I can’t stick to an article itinerary to save my life here, but what fun would this place be if it was predictable?

NeoGeo Battle Coliseum(PS2)
2006 SNK/Playmore

In a nutshell: Given the choice between [KOF XI] and [NGBC]… I’d take the seasick crocodile~! [latter.] Essentially blending the superb SNK fighting games with a Marvel vs. Capcom-style tag system, NGBC surpasses even KOF XI in fun, but the roster leans a bit towards the WTF.

As the years wear on, it seems like less and less of my ‘circle’ really give a crap about SNK, which is sad- admittedly they seem like they’re pretty past their prime. (Personally, I think things have gone steadily downhill since KOF 2000, and really started to get a little rank when long time fan turned official artist turned KOF honcho Falcoon came to power. His idea of a King of Fighters roster seems to be to remove a handful of well-loved secondary characters, replace them with effeminate men or bland-yet-trampy women, all in candy raver clothes. KOF XI’s omission of Mai was plain criminal!) Maximum Impact II/KOF 2006 was a good game, though the almost vengeful mediocrity of the first game seems to have kept a lot of people from trying it. And the last couple Metal Slug games, eh- while they’re getting better graphically with each installment, and there’s never a shortage of crazy stuff to do, there’s just not as much fun in fighting outright Contra ripoff aliens who gorily feast on the classic Mars People. Without the transparent Saddam Hussein stand-in, it just lacks soul.

Even I was starting to lose faith in SNK by this point. I bought XI with a gift card (along with PS2 Spy Hunter in the crap bin), and thought it was pretty satisfactory for what I wanted of it. I’ve got friends who are KOF die-hards and prefer the 2-D installments, and I wanted to get my hands on one with a good cast as well as load times less horrendous than KOF ’99’s Playstation port. If you haven’t had the pleasure, the game featured super long loading screens before and after each cut scene in arcade mode, and 1-2 minute long loading screens between CHARACTERS in the 3-on-3 battles. The pausing was so bad that the background tunes, rather than keeping on during the break would be divided up into a ‘Part A’, ‘Part B’ set-up that would alternate between matches so you wouldn’t be listening to the same opening bars every round- as if THAT was the horrible, intolerable part! (I think From Software has learned better since then. Otherwise I can’t imagine Armored Core 2 Plus Ne Ultra Last Standing Nineball Special selling very well.)

Back on track now, seriously. If I hadn’t spotted Battle Coliseum at a Sam’s Club for 5 bucks off its pre-bargain bin price, I probably wouldn’t have sprung for it. Glad I did now, though. NGBC’s sheer funness doesn’t come through in still photos and sterile ad copy. Essentially what we have here is Capcom’s abortion, Fighting Evolution*, done well. The roster reaches far and wide across SNK’s back catalog of games where people who just can’t master English beat the shit out of each other, taking not just the ‘well duh!’ entrants like Terry Bogard and Kyo Kusanagi, but long-long-forgotten fighters like Kisarah (Aggressors of Dark Kombat) and Fuuma (World Heroes.. and uh, Aggressors of Dark Kombat.) More weirdness is found in the form of King of the Monsters’ Cyber Woo and the Metal Slug Mars People (yeah, I know they’ve been in a fighting game already).

The overall engine has the fine-tuned feel of Mark of the Wolves, overcoming the stiff feeling of the outdated games (whose sprites have yes, actually been redrawn for once, but not to real high res.) Each match is set up tag-team style, which is a actually a bit easier and faster to manage than the recent King of Fighters games. You’re free to tag in and out pretty much instantly, rather than being forced to complete a taunt animation a la KOF XI, which you really NEED to do in this case due to really high damage ratios and the fact that in normal play one fighter being downed costs you the match. The player on the sidelines gets to regain health for as high as their life meter remains filled in with red. Tagging in and out is crucial to lasting more than a few minutes, unless you stay on the offensive and absolutely tear the crap out of your opponent before they can tag out. In addition- and it astounds me that the tag-enabled KOF series doesn’t use this- you can use Double Assault moves on your enemy, teaming up on them and also, more importantly, eliminating their red life to prevent them from regenerating if they sideline that victim. Certain character pairings even yield special combos- the newbies Ai and Yuki do a Dragonball style fusion dance thing and become Atomic Gai from King of the Monsters for 10 seconds, Terry and Rock juggle the opponent with their usual overpowered manuevers, and Haohmaru and Genjuro catch the opponent between their blades in a running slash.

They make some interesting variations on the classic Arcade mode. Rather than fighting X number of matches ending in a boss battle, you’re given a maxed-out timer in which to see how many opponents you can beat, Survival style. Every 3 matches, you’re offered a Battle Bonus, a chance to refill your life meters, max your power stocks, or increase the timer. When the timer runs out, you fight one of four bosses depending on your performance. ‘Tag Play’ mode works more or less the same as KOF XI, in that losing one of your fighters doesn’t end your game, and there is just a predetermined number of matches. Survival Challenge is what it sounds like, though thankfully it isn’t timed so you can fight more conservatively. Survival is also the mode you’ll be unlocking the bosses and hidden fighters through for the most part. Goddess Athena and Mars People are unlocked through Arcade and Tag modes respectively.

Speaking of bosses, what horribly cheap monstrosities will SNK be sodomizing us with today? Let’s have a look in this Thrown Controllers supplemental:

Mizuchi: An even cheaper clone of Orochi. Why the Evil Corporation thought that was a smart move is beyond us mortals. Mizuchi boasts all the full-screen super-ing, attack-reflecting, soul-crushing goodness of Orochi, with extra fast columns of heavenly death-light and really pretty new projectiles that set you up for juggles. He also has Rugal’s Genocide Cutter for reasons I don’t care about.

King Lion: The same mohawked, sword-weidling dickweed from Kizuna Encounter, he is easily the most mindlessly aggressive of the bosses, loving to leave you claustrophobic as he pounds you into the wall with unblockable charges and guard crushing assaults. He also possesses an extremely annoying counter move where he darkens the screen and beats the tar out of you on impact.

Neo-Dio: Todd McFarlane’s Shadow the Hedgehog. Nah, seriously. He’s Darkheart from Marvel vs Capcom. I KID, I KID! A recycled POS boss from World Heroes who thinks he’s the Ultimate Lifeform. Oddly, I find him the easiest of the bosses in spite of his counter move, which stops time so he can move behind you and shock you with his hair.

Goodman: “What? Igniz not flaming enough? We’ll show those players! Color him red, give him a flaming whip, and a uh, GORILLA MADE OF PURPLE FIRE.”

Really the only flaws Battle Coliseum has from where I stand are with the roster, and that’s more or less only because pretty much none of my regular KOF’ers didn’t make it in. There are a handful of characters who fall under the banner of being somewhat awkward to use and time due to long wind-up animations (Kisarah being one of the worst offenders- her Strong Kick is performed by her leaning forward and kicking backwards up, and over her head.) Past that, this is probably as good as 2-D fighters are gonna get here any time soon outside of re-release collections. Con-sume!

I will seriously use a different rating icon soon. I’ve just been fired up to comment on my favorites first.