COMMERCIAL BROKEN

America is a proud land of people riveted to the TV. I’m no exception so that’s not some holier-than-thou statement. I keep it on for the noise, to drown out my brother’s radio, or so it’s already on when the handful of shows I actually want to watch come on. As a result, I have a tendency to see and hear things I… really didn’t need to. The following is a sample of some of the worst of these things, well, the commercials anyway. Shit TV programs tend to have loud, annoying followings so I’ll save my criticisms of those for when I need research material for an essay on the syntax of angry illiterates.

CASE 1: SMILIN’ BOB [Link
to commercial (one of too god damned many)]

This is Bob.

Bob has something new in his life. A little more spring in his step. A little more wowzer in his trousers. Something that has his golf buddies in slack jawed awe. Something that frightens Japanese businessmen when he goes to use the urinal.

To cut to the chase, Bob has been taking Enzyte, which promises ‘natural male enhancement,’ a slang term for ‘chemically-induced horsecock.’ Each and every Enzyte ad, assuming you live in a cave or have been blessed with chronic seizures that made you black out every time commercials come on, features Bob wandering around with that terrifying plastic-faced grin, while a playful, whistling theme song plays. Bob lives in one of the most Fruedian neighborhoods in God’s White Republican America, so there is always something handy to suggest his new and improved virility, or else call attention to his friends’ impotence. Also, there aren’t any black people in Enzyte ads. You know why.

Annoying little tune and constant nudge-nudge get-it humor aside, Bob scares the hell out of me. That grin is bad enough, but combined with why he’s grinning is just plain creepy. He probably delights in rubbing his rejuvenated manhood against people on the bus.

They’ve relented a bit in playing these of late. Either because Enzyte doesn’t work, or someone finally shouted ENOUGH! at the center of the world. Which, incidentally, is balanced on the tip of Smilin’ Bob’s member, like a perversified Japanese folk tale. There’s also the possibility Bob got arrested for rubbing himself against an undercover cop.

CASE 2- KIDS BOP (Link to one of many plagues)

Even poisonous insects have imitators.

I have so much hate for the Kids(z?) Bop Kids(zzz?). Essentially, these are a series of mail-ordered CD’s of popular shit music, performed by annoying little kids. I HATE the music on these albums, and I’m not terribly fond of the kids in that commercial, who are usually depicted climbing rocks, dancing, or playing with their recently-assigned “Kinda Looks Like ANIME!” mascot. They’re played more or less nonstop on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network, and show no signs of drying up like the Enzyte flood did as long as shitpop continues to exist. I’d love to go on more, but really, my point is clear- I hate Evanescense songs sung by Evanecense, so hearing them mangled further by the wails of prepubescent performers is just plain punishing. The Kidz Bop troupe has gone gold, presumably due to the impulsive spending of Michael Jackson.

If you buy a Kidz Bop album, finishing reading this sentence will legally allow me to kill you if we meet in a public place. Thank you for your cooperation.

CASE 3- HEAD ON (You click this to watch!)

Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Better not scroll too fast or you’ll miss the humorous observation. Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! This commercial isn’t an ad, it’s brainwashing. It takes a special kind of annoyance to qualify for a news spot. Or at least a damn slow news day. Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! ‘

CASE 4- TRANSFORMERS: GENERATION 2 (Click
for retro annoyance.)

“Generation 2” began as an ambitious project to re-release toys from the 80’s in new, more X-TREME color schemes that were the nail in the coffin as far as that “Robots in Disguise” concept. Aside from the fact they spent most of the show transforming in plain sight and having zany adventures with their human friends, they now featured neon paint jobs, with their names and faction written on the sides. The only proper way to market these new, hip updates…?

MID-NINETIES RAP!

There were other ads like that, but for some reason that stood out the most since they called one of their own products “Boring!” right in the ad.

CASE 5- EXTREME MACARONI (Mercifully, no Youtube link)

The X-TREME trend of the nineties is one of the things I feel deeply ashamed of. when I was little, I wore a neon pink and yellow THUNDERJETS! fruit snacks fanny pack. In public. In time I’d get sick of it all and wear black shirts and blue jeans all the time, while developing a severe allergy to anything that had that ‘mass market hip’ feel.

Then. Came. Max.

It’s new Max-a-roni/

So here’s the deal/

It’s the new Mac& Cheese/

THAT KEEPS IT REAL!

I’ll allow extreme caffeinated drinks, extreme sporting equipment, and even extreme frisbee, but extreme macaroni and cheese is well past The Line. It’s like extreme cereal. You can put Barney Rubble on a skateboard, but
it’s not going to make those Fruity Pebbles any less prone to dissolving into confetti-colored mush, and no matter how much gel you put in the macaroni mascot’s hair, it’s still probably going to taste as rubbery and nasty as any other TV dinner. If he wasn’t a (badly drawn) cartoon, rest assured Max would spend a lot of time on the EXTREME TOILET! Keeping it real. With the rollerblading velociraptor sponsor of Extreme Pepto Bismol.