America (The Book)

(By The Daily Show with Jon Stewart)

I never really expected to be writing a book report voluntarily. Going on about a book is a different beast than the typical game review based largely upon a frustrating first opinion. Already I’m tempted to make some high-brow comment, until it dawns on me that I never read a page of Nietzsche in my life, and I once used the term ‘decolletage’ to describe a coloring technique. (A friend of mine sent a picture of a woman’s cleavage a whole year afterwards as a reminder.) I suppose I should at least accommodate the high-minded ‘book’ people by making that the last in-paragraph parenthetical aside. From here on, I will use lots and lots of asterisks*. I would use footnotes, which are even higher-brow, but that might be overkill for a book from Comedy Central. In addition, the more asterisks there are in a row, the more it looks like cartoon swearing**.

The MLA Standard method of documentation for works cited will be ignored because it sucks.

Down to brass tacks, America (The Book) isn’t, as some feared, just another endless, narcissistic hardbound compilation of the opinions of a once entertaining performer***. It’s actually a bastardized high school textbook, with full frontal nudity and chapters that date past 1972****. The bulk of the book is credited to Jon Stewart*****, with occasional sidebars and boxouts from all your favorite correspondents****** Each chapter concludes with a study guide with such involving class activities as “Hold a mock election. If you can’t, mock a real election.” These frequently devolve into the imaginary professor giving up. The presentation is pretty convincing, really. The bland red white and blue cover, occasional pen marks and penciled notes from the editor on the inside pages, and even a crooked stamp on the inside cover tracking ownership make me want to fall asleep hearing about the Louisiana Purchase all over again. Not that I did the first time. I was an awesome student.

Much like the show that spawned it, America (The Book) takes history and puts a spin on it that makes it entertaining and informative*******. The whole book carries the undertone of mock jingoism, its first chapter touching on the formation of democracy before America briefly, reminding us that pre-American democracy “doesn’t really count.” When describing the ancient Greek model of democracy, it’s decried as “simplistic, naïve, and gay.” I think the passage is a good sample of the book’s overall style; building up and up using elaborate terms and descriptions, then suddenly slipping in a dick joke. And it still cracks me up. Sometimes it gets a little childish with the crude stuff, but on the whole the thing’s pretty dang funny.

After touring the different branches of government, we glimpse the possible futures of democracy, including vampiric Congressmen, genetically enhanced children, and a Latin explosion. Then it’s on to a glance at other countries, tacked on as an afterthought, which proves predictably xenophobic and joyous. There’s a helpful Middle East travel guide that rates safety of Americans to visit on a scale of one to five flaming effigies. The segment on Japan features national icon Hello Kitty, national bird Hello Japanese Pheasant, and Prime Minister Hello Junichiro Koizumi. The book then has a sort of ‘fake’ end, with the credits and bibliography, which segues into an election guide with a foreword by Don King. We meet the candidates for a night on the town; the correspondent who visits a bar with Bush is surrounded and interrupted by Cabinet members who stall while he leaves in a good-natured way. John Kerry ends up a surly drunk trying to play up his toughness and slugs his interviewer.

The only real low points are a couple of spreads inexplicably rendered in sprite form (A presidential museum, and the Graveyard of Third Parties.********) They clash with the rest of the book, and aren’t really especially funny. Of course, later on they admit a need to fill empty space in a chapter littered with dozens of intrusive and increasingly ridiculous ‘insta-poll’ boxes, a la the average network news site.

The Book was removed from Wal-Mart shelves due to the spread of sagging nude Supreme Court Justices. This was an odd display of discretion for a store that built a shiny new outlet on top of a Hawaiian burial ground.********* It’s not a kiddie book by any means, with some choice F-Bombs and grainy night vision teabagging. It seems like the situation could have been worked around by putting the book on the top shelf, which at a Wal-Mart would of course require a grown giant to use a ladder.

America (The Book) is a history text, an activity book, and was a good, light-hearted read in the middle of a tense period in our political history. And it’s still funny after my own wholly unremarkable home state caused an overnight debacle with the fate of the nation in the balance. It’s no high minded, snooty existential comedy,

*Not the beloved French cartoon character. Rather it’s just an annoying way to make you jump back and forth between named anchors in the page source in order to get certain jokes. ^

**”Shut your #%&*ing face!” ^

*** I once had a coworker who endlessly recited the Stuart Smalley affirmation out of context. Turned out the catchphrase not only works better in context, but out of the theater†.
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**** I had textbooks in Math and other subjects that were printed as recently as 1996. Yet the History text seemed curiously out of date. Seriously, learn to budget- math hasn’t changed much since the 60’s. ^

*****But presumably the biggest chunks of the book were done by the editors and other credited writers as Stewart tugged his necktie and made little Jerry Lewis sounds when stumped. ^

******Whose contracts are still in effect, so no A. Whitney Brown or Frank DeCaro‡. ^

*******Still wouldn’t recommend using this as a substitute when cramming for finals. ^

********Crap, I forgot I said I wasn’t going to use the parentheses this time!! (I lied.) Stop that! (Make me.) ^

*********I heard about it on the Daily Show!
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†Stuart Smalley Saves his Family.
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‡ I miss Out at the Movies.^