Day Eight: Making A List, Checking it Once?

To further prove myself a shill of the gaming fan site media, I figure I might as well give my own, personal Top Ten games of the year. Bearing in mind of course that I’m kind of a cheapskate, own only one ‘current gen’ console, and more significantly ended up spending most of my gaming time playing things I got last year but set aside until this year, like Soul Nomad and Disgaea 2.

No TGL sequels or homages this year, either. How sad.

So without further ado, I present the Third Half Top Ten Games Of 2008. If you disagree with the inclusion or omission of anything on this list, please share your opinion in the form of BIG BUCKS BIG BUCKS NO WHAMMIES STOP

THIRD HALF TOP TEN OF 2008

10. Blast Works: Build, Trade, Destroy! (Wii)- Hey, that guy nobody gives a shit about on the internet who only seems to play old games and things that Atlus probably found in an Akihabara dumpster put a game that nobody ever heard of on his top ten list! Will wonders never cease? Blast Works is basically the Little Big Planet of 2-D shooting, where you are given near total freedom to build your own shooter levels out of simple geometric shapes, from your own jet all the way to massive, sprawling bosses. The game engine is a lovingly cracked-out one as well- it seems like a pretty dry, basic Gradius wannabe with kiddier graphics at first, but as you destroy enemy targets, their scrap flies overhead in an arc for you to catch and add onto your own plane, eventually becoming a Katamari-like dreadnaught firing its stolen guns wildly in all directions.

9. Super Smash Bros. Brawl: I feel kind of dirty for putting this one in my list considering it’s a massively hyped blockbuster title that other people actually enjoy. I’m not as rabid about the game as some get, but it’s hard not to enjoy the craziness of gigantic tanks blasting video game mascots to smithereens or having running versus battles through a replica of Super Mario Bros. 1-1. That said, the camera sucks ass in large levels like New Pork City (I can NOT see a fucking thing going on) and there’s a bit too much reliance on random shit like item spawns and environmental hazards nuking the shit out of you.

8. Wild Arms: XF(PSP): It’s pronounced ‘Crossfire,’ dammit. WAXF struck a chord with me due to its being something of a middle ground between a Tactics game and a portable version of Heroscape. Why aren’t there more hex-field SRPG’s out there? It’s not as though it’s new and revolutionary to anyone who’s a veteran wargamer. If ever there were a game that could actually use the ‘tactics’ appended to its title, it’s this one, as just gaining levels won’t win battles- picking your classes and moving wisely is your only way to survive. The system can feel awkward sometimes and probably turned more than a few off, but it’s a damn good SRPG.

7. Izuna 2(NDS): What, the review isn’t enough? Izuna 1 was a quirky, but limited game. It had atmosphere, and that was about it- randomize the dungeons as much as you like, overall you were just grinding for gear and levels in about six different locales that all had the same enemies in different colors. The sequel improved on that in pretty much every way, even if the most obvious one is letting you stare at a different sprite grinding for items and experience for hours at a time. It’s the little things.

6. Bangai-O Spirits(NDS): Playing it last year via emulation was a pale imitation of the real release. In a defiant slap to the face of those who still believe Japan gets everything good, the US release of B-OS boasts more levels, categorized the new and existing ones for easy access, added some extra graphics and cut scenes here and there, and generally delivers a more solid package for the buck. Or more Banggg… ai… O… for your… whatever.

It has a level editor, too!

7. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2: Advance 2? The fuck? No “DS” word play? Whatever. FTA2 is kind of a light hearted romp through Ivalice, with the rather morose, genocidal Marche replaced by Luso, a kid so upbeat and gung ho about the clan wars and such it’s kind of annoying. But as long as I’m free to create an army of assassin bunny girls and supplement them with winged devil chicks for air support, I’m pretty good. And if you think that’s me being a sexist pig making nubile women fight for my amusement, do also consider this game also features bloated lizard men wearing only codpieces as an alternative. This would probably be higher on the list if the story were just a little more grabbing.

5. Final Fantasy IV(NDS): I’m cheating so bad on this motherfucking list. But I can’t help it, the game companies were putting out enhanced remakes left and right. In this case, FFIV, one of the better-plotted installments, got a 3-D makeover on the DS, and boy do the talky scenes benefit from the hardware being able to change camera angles dramatically and portray subtle movements among the cast. Old games getting facelifts can sometimes have mixed results, but this one came up aces.

4. Star Ocean: First Departure (PSP): Much like Tales of Phantasia, the first installment of the Star Ocean series made its stateside debut on a portable in enhanced form. And unlike ToP GBA, more or less all the changes are definite upgrades. I’m still torqued that the restore-hit-points-as-you-walk Food Bag system was replaced with the Star Oceany ‘Cooking’ system- which isn’t so much an issue in Star Ocean because it’s the game it fucking came from and my expectations aren’t elsewhere! Er, right. Star Ocean. You ever notice that every main character in these games has blue hair? Claude doesn’t count since he and Rena basically shared the stage. Roddick also has about the most phallic name I can think of in a JRPG. Essentially, if you’ve never played a Star Ocean game, the overall feel is similar to one of those Classic Star Trek episodes where the crew beams down into a Wild West planet or someplace else they don’t really belong, and play along with the locals. Also: Implied atheism from the Federation. Whee!

3. King of Fighters: Orochi Collection(PS2): Once again, a bit of a cheat since they’re all old games, but damn, son! The best part of the expansive King of Fighters series is contained on one disc. ’94 through ’97 form the Orochi Saga, and as a bonus, KoF ’98, considered by many to be the best entry of the series is there too. Five games for twenty bucks, one of which is really worth the admission price on its own? Gogogo.

2. Mega Man 9(WiiWare): Nostalgic graphics and retro appeal aside, Mega Man 9 brings one of the best aspects of classic gaming back to the table- rewarding challenge.

And now, for the Third Half Multimedia/Orvile Reddenbacher number one pick for the year 2008…

[Power outage]

What?! What happened? Is someone there?

Oh fuck. I thought you were dead.

YOU WISH. YOU NEVER EVEN CLEARED THE TRAPEZE PIT.

Well, what the hell are you doing here? It’s been fucking eons since I played Circus Caper. Good god, your game sucked out loud.

YOUR MOTHER.

I’d point out that joke is older than your game, but if it came out about the same time, it might falsely imply a shred of cleverness in you. Seriously, MR. MAGIC. Why do you appear me like a vengeful spirit of suck?

I HAVE TAKEN YOUR SISTER.

I don’t have a sister.

I HAVE BEEN SENT  DELIVER A HARSH WARNING.  YOU MUST STOP BECOMING LAME.

…Lame? The villain of a scheiss NES game is calling me lame?

YOU ARE BECOMING YET ANOTHER MILQUETOAST WANNABE JOURNALIST. IN TIME THE TRANSFORMATION WILL BE COMPLETE AND YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT TERRIBLE GAMES. YOUR SOUL WILL ROT AWAY.

Uh, is there money?

NO.

So, I’ve been trying to be a little more high-brow than I was starting out. I mean, the old stuff was written when I was in high school, for crying out loud. The least I can do is research the games a little before I-

YOU ARE LAZY. YOUR RESEARCH IS NEVER THOROUGH ENOUGH TO BE INFORMATIVE AND YOUR JOKES ARE WATERED DOWN. YOU WILL NEVER RESCUE YOUR SISTER WITH THIS LEVEL OF JOKING!! TOUCH MY MAGIC WAND.

Uh what

GOOD GAMES HAVE WEEKEND YOU. WITHOUT RAGE YOU HAVE NO POWER.

Why should I subject myself to random NES games and off kilter Japanese offal when I can afford games I actually enjoy? Did you know you can play Disgaea like, forever?

LOOK WITHIN YOU. YOU SECRETLY YEARN FOR THE SUCK. YOU NEED IT. I AM MR. MAGIC.

IT’S NOT TRUE! I’M OVER THAT!

THEN REMEMBER CHAOS WARS.

Chaos… Wars… Chaos Wars!?

HOW WERE THE VOICES, TIM.

It’s Mark, er, Manna. And they sucked, but you could switch it back to Japanese….

AND THE GAME WAS…

Well, a little shaky at the beginning.  I figured I was just getting used to the battle system.

DID YOU?

Well. No. But the story seemed like it might get

DID IT?

Uh. No. The story sucked. I was mainly there for Gungrave. Though I didn’t get that far. The battle system was too much of a turnoff. I mean, imagine if you were playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and every so often when you were about to use Mug, a slot machine would go off and replace that command with the basic attack command. Or cycled your heal spell out for Fire3 and causing you to immolate your whole party.

GO ON.

Every person had like a super powerful alternate self you could call out in battle, which was cool, except for when it ran out and you were forced to dick around a few turns while you wait for the super-mode to come back and render you able to damage the fricking boss enough to maybe kill it. And every unit regains some ungodly amount of life each time their turn comes up. Even the simplest map take like an hour to clear if you didn’t detour to each and every side mission before tackling the next main mission. Not that there was much of an indicator which was which!

YOU ARE GETTING WARMER! BUT STILL TOO TEXTBOOK.

The only real enjoyment I got out of the game in the end was trading it in toward Transformers: Animated DS, which was a short but sweet Lost Vikings rip-off rolled around in stank-scented driving stages and capped off with overly long, stupid boss fights. AND ALWAYS AGAINST THE SAME VILLAIN. And that was still the most fun I had with Chaos Wars other than laughing at its piss poor localization and vocal cast made entirely of the director’s relatives.

INSULTING ONE GAME WITH ANOTHER IS A GOOD MOVE. AND YOU DID NOT TURN THAT INTO A FUCKING TRANSFORMERS DIATRIBE.

Hey, fuck you. Transformers are cool.

YOU ARE TWENTY FIVE.

And you touch children. Get the fuck outta here, I’m doing my top ten!

BUT YOU WILL NEVER SAVE YOUR SISTER. HA! HA! HA!

GET THEE BEHIND ME, MR. MAGIC! OR I WILL REVIEW YOU AGAIN!

That was weird. But invigorating! That’s probably enough for today. I’ve had the weirdest tingly-numb thing going on in the left side of my face due to sinuses and ear pressure.

Oh, right. The number one game was Chrono Trigger DS. Because it’s fucking Chrono Trigger, So I cheated!