to the Center of the Earth
mankind has obssessed over the idea that a civilization of hostile freaks
have been living underground, just waiting for the day we'd send them
some delicious explorers to snack on. And, strangely, the same people
are usually obsessed with finding new ways to send some more juicy researchers
down there. Anyone else think the concept is screwed up? No? Then WURM
is the game for you.
Join Moby and
her annoying roommates abord the VZR-5, a transforming underground tank...
thing. Really, if you've seen one 'journey to the center of the earth'
story, you already know what it looks like. It has treads and a big
drill. The only difference between this one and the others is that it
has a couple alternate forms and is staffed entirely by red-eyed freaks.
Moby was evidentally chosen as the leader for the expedition either
for having a Guardian-Legendesque costume. As for the others, the red
haired, zombie eyed Dan is the Chief Officer in Charge of Leaning Over
A Panel And Looking Constipated. Locke, the dashing gent pictured above,
uses large words and contributes nothing, so I assume he's a scientist.
And finally, Mike, your trusty gym teacher, offers such indespensible
tips as "LET'S BLOW HIM AWAY."
As the journey
begins, you'll fight a horde of foot fungus while smashing into the
walls of a cavern. This goes on for about three days, while your fuel
bar keeps ticking down. So really, you're ahead to just fly at top speed
through walls, since you're gonna die when either the fuel or shield
bars run down and your shield stays pretty full. When you reach a certain
point, the screen begins to shake. Assuming this isn't the NES CPU attempting
suicide, it means your being attacked by a grape with tentacles.
anybody who wasn't raised on Star Trek 'fight' scenes would think that
blasting away recklessly at the thing until it goes up in a gory splatter
would get you out alright. But this game requires you to chatter endlessly
with your crew to get your "Possibility" bar to 100%. Essentially,
the crew's hints- "hint" being used very loosely because they
may as well be talking about the weather- raise your life or probability
meters by a minute amount each time you talk to them. The thing is,
since each crew member only has two things to say, you'll spend every
four or five minutes listening to Dan repeating "THE EYE IS PROBABLY
THE NUCLEUS." Oddly enough, your science officer can think of nothing
more interesting to say than "IT'S A BEMUL. A PROTO-BIO MONSTER,"
which neither raises your possibility or life, but then again, Locke
himself has a 100% POSSIBILITY of not having a LIFE. The 12,435th 'conversation
turn' around, I was hoping he'd at least say something like "MOBY,
YOUR UNDERWEAR SMELLS TERRIFIC," or "TRY THROWING ME AT THE
MONSTER." I'm pretty glad I never played more than one of these
boss levels. It's like going hunting with the three geeks at the front
of bio class.
whitetailed deer uses its tail to signal the others in an emergency."
MOBY: Shut up. I'm aiming.
"A male deer is called a buck."
"We're in the woods."
MOBY: Shut up!
else you'll notice about our heroine, Moby, is that she's as dumb as
broken car horn. When underground, she seems spellbound by the fact
she spots a cave. That's like taking a drive in the country, then suddenly
going off the road, jumping out and running into a cornfield screaming,
"MY GOD! A FIELD!" Her face is usually in a box in the upper
left, and her facial expression is never appropriate to the situation.
When you find a guy in a tunnel who has half his body pinned under another
VZR, her face shows suprise, then she smirks. When she finds a crystal
or a door, she looks horrified. And to be honest, I'm scared too. I'm
scared that the game will continue, and I'll have to spend
another hour manuevering the tank through tunnels or watching Moby waste
ammo on hopping lizard people.
first glance, you'd assume Fabio is now the King of the Mole People,
and Moby is powerless against his masculine prettiness. Actually, this
is Zolda (or something like that) and he's wearing the exact same one-piece
battle swimsuit as you. A confusing battle ensues, in which the two
sprites shoot at each other while overlapping, so you can't see who's
damaging who, until he jumps and gets stuck to the ceiling. Then, R2-D2
appears, Moby questions it, and you head back to the VZR-5. While you
were down there, Dan took the flying parts and CD player off the other
unit, and Mike siphoned the gas. And, the journey continues.
I hit the power button.
There's a romantic
subplot or something in which Moby mentions somebody named 'Ziggy.' Who
is Ziggy? A boyfriend? A spaceship from a crappy Genesis game? Or a big
nosed chump from an unfunny comic strip? It doesn't matter, as long as
she keeps saying it. It's so funny.