Super Variable Geo
the all-girl fighting game. There's something we don't see enough of
in the States. With the exception of maybe the Neo Geo Pocket Color's
Gals Fighter, and some of those grey-market games like Metal& Lace,
I can't really think of any offhand. But far away, across the seas,
far beyond the terminal Middle Eastern countries, past the bleak and
overcrowded metropolis of Red China, lies a magical land called Japan.
A place where the traditions and psychoses of thousands of generations
combine with state-of the art technology to produce a delightfully schizophrenic
society. Gamers, anime fans, fans of anime gaming... they all long to
see this wonderful place.
the video games, oh my stars, the video games! Cute girl games, fighting
games, but most importantly, cute girl fighting games. Asuka 120%, Queen
of Hearts, Pretty Fighter... And so on. Which brings me to the delightful
little treasure I like to call Advanced Variable Geo. It tried to combine
the success of the cute girl fighter with the success of the misogynistic
h-game. Nine waitresses, battling on a semiofficial circuit for the
honor of their respective restraunt/dojos! To the winner goes fame,
fortune and a 15% tip. To the loser, goes a very cold, humiliating walk
home. For you see, the loser is required by some odd contractual subclause
to strip. I can only assume it's for income tax reasons. The game did
pretty well, although the willing/unwilling denuding of girls didn't
fly to well with conservatives. So, through some small burst of Santa
Magic, the game was ported to the Super Famicom (that's SNES, for us
Yankees [that's Americans, for you non-Americans]) sans stripping. And
probably half the image resolution and frames of animation, sound quality,
SUPER Variable Geo was born! Like many SUPER Nintendo games, it boasted
no particularly new or useful features to make it significantly better
than its creepy PC cousin. It did however have the word "SUPER"
slapped across its logo in a fashion that made it look like it was added
to the title as an afterthought, as many Super NES games did. After
a nice little intro animation/ credits sequence, which in all honesty
looks almost better than Gowcaizer's intro animation(which is a whole
hardware generation ahead of the SNES), you're ready to rummmmmmble.
Daintily. Because they're girls. And stuff. Although Jun is about as
feminine as Natasha Radinov from GunSmith Cats. If that was too in-jokey
for you, feel free to substitute 'Natasha Radinov' for 'Amanda Bearse.'
batch of characters for me to make fun of, or introduce. At first I
was a little despondent that I'd have to make up names for the fighters
again (see also Pretty Fighter) since their names were all written in
Japanese, but oddly enough, the between fight "Won by Yuka"
text is in English. So, without further ado, the gorgeous gals of Variable
The main character, has some sort of psychic ability or something. Cute,
but not the cutest; strong but not the strongest... typical street fighting
main character with the addition of extra cab-forward storage space.
As of the time I wrote this review she was the only one I had finished
the game with; apparently she celebrates a little too hard and levels
the restraunt. I think that's what happened, anyway. The cutscenes were
nice-looking but the text was in glorious Japanese. Odd text, too...
evenly spaced characters, all the same size. So to recap; Yuka. Main
character. Big bust. Waitress. Love the ponytail. Good, we move on.
Every pretty-girl fighting game has to toss in an incredibly masculine
girl who looks like she's within seconds of an anuerysm or cannibalizing
one of the other fighters. Jun is a former pro wrestler who got kicked
out for unnecessary roughness, so she entered the world of full-contact
waitressing. (Yes... they actually refer to the matches as such.) She
kind of looks like Tenchi Muyo!'s Kiyone AFTER finally snapping.
The... cute one. With her long pink pigtails and big cat mittens, she
evokes memories of the six or so DiGi Charat episodes I've seen. She
doesn't seem to work at a restraunt so much as a candy shop. I can't
really think of any noteworthy skills of hers to list...
Bunny gaijin girl Erina, who insists her friends call her Elly-Lin-Lina
or something. She comes from a restraunt called "The Rival."
So just guess what role she fulfills in the game roster. Still... gotta
love a girl in a bunny suit with brass knuckles. No relation to Waku
Waku 7's Arina. Although that gives me all sorts of ideas. You might
also recognize her as Chibi
Clan Nudity's post Chibi-Usa mascot.
The dark-haired girl with glasses dressed like a Perkin's waitress.
She seems to be the stock kickboxer-type as her 'punch' buttons are
all kicks. I had to remind myself several times she wasn't Ranma's Mousse.
Oh and she's also the stock female fighter that stutters 'Gomenasai"
after kicking your teeth out your ears. Spill the tea on me, fine. But
I don't think a flying attack to the head while you yell out its name
is a simple accident.
It's the party girl/ idol singer of your dreams! She dances! She has
flashy attacks! She assumes awkward, impractical fighting stances! And
she does all of that with her eyes closed. She's one of those characters
that I can't control at all but the computer uses to kill you soundly
She's got short hair and a short temper, apparently can burst into flames
at random, and her restraunt looks like it's deep inside Viet Cong territory.
She's also got the strangest little skirt, looks like it's made of leaves
or something. I couldn't work any of the fire moves, but I mastered
the move where she slides around on the ground.
The well-dressed and innately evil final boss. She's into gene-splicing
and uses psionic powers, kind of like Yuka. Only she's better dressed
and uh, innately evil. I'd probably have more insight into this if I
knew Japanese and/or watched the movie. Yes, there was a movie. Or rather
Geo is pretty widely available online. I picked the Super Famicom edition
mostly because it wasn't, and because hey- it's a SNES game about fighting
waitresses that strip. Minus the stripping. And with the
fighting part made lame and awkward by the conversion process.