Following almost immediately on the mephitic rotting heels of Resident Evil came Dino Crisis, Capcom's answer to Jurassic Park. Which in turn was Steven Spielberg's answer to any number of Bert I. Gordon and Ed Wood films.

Join the slinky redhead Regina as she sneaks and capers about a hi-tech research facility in search of the source of the MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENA taking place on Isa Nubla- rr... I mean, the island which bears no similarity whatsoever to the island from Jurassic Park. I mean, the main hall to the visitors center- I mean, research facility, doesn't look like the lobby of the building in Jurassic Park. Really. Not even if you strung up a huge banner reading "WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH" and a couple T-Rex skeletons. Seriously.

Assisting her on her mission is a Jamaicany computer hacker and some uberwhiteguy. Who cares?

Gameplay itself is virtually identical to Resident Evil from what I played of DC. The backgrounds are3-D instead of pre-rendered, which is a nice touch. It also adds more 'feel' to the scenes where you're being chased down a corridor by generally unhappy velociraptors. The dinosaurs either have good AI or the character handles like a river barge... I can't be too certain of which. Manual aiming is tricky since pressing down on the stick makes Regina back up instead of aim up or down, so you rely on the auto-lock way too much.Being able to move with your weapon drawn is a plus, yes... but you'll be wishing you could take head-shots through something other than outstanding coincidence. For you see, though you start the game with the pistol and shotgun (Survival Horror weapons ALWAYS include a pistol of some kind, usually a semi automatic, a shotgun, and a rocket launcher that can be fired almost effortlessly by a girl with no military training) the raptors take about a clip each to put down for good. So basically, you tranquilize. The tranq darts are powerful stuff and will put a raptor to sleep for about five seconds (which is impressive considering raptors are like the undead and don't sleep.) Just make sure you don't need to double back, ever, or you'll die.

Oh, how you'll die. The raptors get ahold of you and gnaw on you for a while, then they do something like toss you into a wall and tear into you again. It's effectively the same deal as the one-life-one-hit Contra series, except instead of falling off the screen and getting it over with, it's a graphic scene that plays out for about twenty minutes. I boiled water for some noodles while waiting for Regina to finally die in the demo disc.

The most disappointing part of Dino Crisis by far is the fact that there are only three kinds of dinosaurs. The raptors, the pteradactyls, and the freaking obvious T-Rex. Ya know what? Name me a dinosaur-based video game that doesn't have a T-Rex or something similar to it in it. Excluding Yoshi. God only knows what he's supposed to represent, maybe some kind of cuddly velociraptor in patent leather boots. With no teeth. That's probably how his kind evolved the ability to eat anything lying around.

In the end, Dino Crisis isn't a literally skin-meltingly awful game like Resident Evil. The 3-D backgrounds are great, with less of that annoying transparent wall syndrome than I'm used to. That's not saying much considering I play 3-D games about as often as I eat breakfast. Sometimes it hits the spot but I usually get queasy on the bus. Take that, you stinking reptiles! This is for the blast damage I inflicted on myself in Heavy Gear thanks to an invsible boulder sitting right in front of my launcher! RAAAGE. That isn't to say Dino Crisis isn't a steamy pile in its own right; though it may not be as overtly dark and depressing (I think they wanted to go for 'menacing') as Resident Evil's environment, they allocated those suck points into the enemies to make sure you CAN'T escape from them. A good example being in the demo disc, the scene where you must run from the T-Rex and dodge him while you wait for Regina's rasta-man partner to unlock the flippin' door. You have no room to manuever, and the T-Rex is invincible (of course) so completing the mission is basically a mix of stalling it and pure luck.

Behind that next door is a loading screen of a door opening... HORRIFYING!

Regina can carry more equipment than the guys from Resident Evil, but where, oh where does the hide it? Food for thought, anyway...