is one of the worst ideas for a video game. This guy is an invincible
alien who could kill you by looking at you or breathing on you. Literally.
Luckily, he doesn't, but upon seeing this perversion of himself, I doubt
Supes could maintain his saint-like patience and love of life; and begin
an apocalyptic war against us. In any case, any game based on his life
and death and life and reader apathy would either make him look like
a weakling who can get nailed by street punks, or such a hardass there
would be no challenge at all.
the NES Superman. Slightly more entertaining than Total Recall or Bible
Adventures, but still no competition for a dull razor and using rubber
cement as a substitute for bikini wax, this offering would seem to be
the Japanese interpretation of the traditional American superhero. Rather
than a sailor suit, Clark Kent wanders around Metropolis in a tweed
jacket and matching slacks, with a yellow turtleneck he rummaged from
the Goodwill store while Lois distracted the hobos. The part of the
lovably gruff editor Mr. Perry is played by a retarded potato-head man,
and Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter is replaced by a doppleganger with an
upsetting phallic nose and Hey Arnold! hair. The sad thing of it all,
is when you stop by the Daily "Planets" (as this game calls
the paper) the Mongoloid version of Perry is the only one you have any
use for. He regurgitates a password of unpronouncable characters then
demands you give him a copy of something. Hey, the fat pig said he was
the copy Of course, assuming you have the stomach to beat the first
level, you get to beat up Jimmy and take his bus pass, and Lois forgot
to button the top three buttons. But there's no time for your Japanese
pastimes, Clark! The STATUE OF LIBERTY wants to talk to you!
the disturbingly accident-prone people of Metropolis takes a lot out
of Superman, and he can't even take a vacation to New York without the
statue coming to life and telling him to pull orphans from a burning
supervillain's Kryptonite storage house. Speaking of which, Kryptonite
is incredibly abundant considering it really has a 1 in craptillion
chance of crashing into earth, and a bullcraptillionth of that of surviving
atmospheric entry. Every other thug you defeat with your spastic dancing
moves tosses a handful of the stuff into the air. Blue Krytonite heals
you for some reason, but green Kryptonite hurts you and red Kryptonite
hurts you and makes you flash for a couple seconds. All the other enemies
are carrying heat vision and super breath power ups, but are too stupid
to actually use them. Actually, if you had Superman lungs in your pathetic
human meat bag, the lungs would probably kick the rest of your body's
ass open. Especially the spleen. What the hell does the spleen even
do besides rupture and require surgery? If humans are meant to have
like eighty extra parts, why not make them wings, wheels, or a gland
that secretes natural deodorant?
seen a lot of screwed up things. Miracle Girls, Unarians, Knight Rider
slash fiction and that music video with Gillian Anderson. I'd like to
personally thank the people at Kemco for making me spit half a warm
beer all over my keyboard and befunny my dreams for weeks to come. I
know Metropolis is populated with half accident prone rodeo clowns and
the other half mutant nihilist supervillains, but I never realized there
was such a large number of the learning disabled and critically dense.
Every time you see the chubby guy with the pet rock head, you know you're
in for a nugget of wisdom. He almost proudly declares, "I KNOW
NOTHING AT ALL." You'll see a lot of Fat Retarded Guy. As well
as Horrendously Ugly 8 Bit Bimbo, Implicitly Japanese Guy, Unshaven
Guy, and Undead Guy with Mouth Wide Open. This is due to the fact that
Metropolis actually only has 5 citizens. And they're all losers.
enemies come from a variety of character types, none of which have anything
to do with Superman. Men in multicolored zoot suits with enormous frikkin'
guns smirk up and down the street. Shirtless strongmen amble around
waiting for a Kryptonian fist to run themselves into. Final Fight extras
round out the cast of enemies, and the Chinese are evidentally after
you, too. And what Superman game would be complete without ghosts and
zombies? Be sure to stop by the disco (seriously, there's two) to get
Scooby and the gang to help you out! We're all counting on you! Fight,
Superman! For everlasting peace!
are the F.B.I. And according to themselves, the best way to freeze Zombie
is with Super Breath II. This seems to imply that the F.B.I. 1) runs
into a lot of Zombie while mumbling in dark rooms about aliens and 2)
employs a lot of people with Super Breath, and evidentally, with more
than one kind. Unfortunately, when I asked them to help, they politely
refused by saying, "WE ARE THE F.B.I" I knew they were far
too busy to help a girl in distress like me or Clark Kent, but more
likely it was because they weren't animated. So, I popped into the nearest
phone booth and turned into Superman (presumably in an off-screen magical-nude-panty
sequence) to persuade them. To no avail. And Superman continues to look
really pissed off.
to think of it, he looks pretty damned spiteful throughout this game.
It really adds to the experience, as the player is undoubtly hating
his life about as much as he seems to. Maybe it's the fact his fisticuffs
look more like a nervous tic than punches, and the only super power
he can use on an enemy is heat vision. X-Ray Vision makes the screen
flash for a second, and takes a huge chunk off its use meter. Heat Vision
lets you shoot bad guys twice before it runs out. Super Spin turns you
into not only a sitting duck, but a sitting duck that spins wildly.
Super Flight is like a stage select option, except it's not useful in
any way. You have two kinds of freeze breath, one used to freeze zombies
and the other to freeze Jack Squat.
conclusion, I don't know what was the worst of it here. The fact that
Superman was fighting zombies and ghosts was bad enough, and Lex Luthor
was curiously absent from the first two stages I played. In fact, the
objective given at the beginning of the game was to keep some bondage
chick named General Zod (evidentally) from using Metropolis as her secret
yet obvious base. You defeat Zod in the first stage, which basically
means the rest of the game would be Clark Kent frittering away the rest
of his Japanese parody of American life. The second level has you restore
the stock market by exorcising ghosts from the fish market and beating
up the entire nation of China. Enormous Russian pro wrestler types are
waiting in the sewers. The zombies from South Park want to trounce on
you. I think Walleye Potato Faced Guy had the best take on the situation.
Hazzard. I'm not a Duke, and I'm glad.
Graphics: 0 No they weren't.
Sound: 0 The game does inspire you to hum or sing like an idiot
while leaping around like a moron and fighting like a pansy. Hence the
simulation bonus at the end.
Gameplay: -1 Hit detection is a cruel and mysterious mistress.
The same force that allows you to punch a disco dancer from twenty paces
is also responsible for firing off your last heat vision shot right
through an enemy's head with no damage.
Overall: 0 I can't remember right off the bat what other games
I've played from Kemco, but I seem to recognize the lopsided play control.
Simulation Bonus: -1 Superman is invincible, all-powerful, and
handsome in an appliance assembly chart kind of way. You are all too
mortal, weak, and look like a South Park character. I'd also like to
know why it is that people call me Superman when I'm in my Clark Kent
disguise, and why I hang in the air if I throw a punch while jumping.
I submitted these screenshots
to the ZVGQ page,
along with an obligatory link to this article, and got a nice little
response from Lago himself.
man humbly trying to eke out his own niche with Seanbaby-inspired
video game criticism, I must say that I did enjoy your article greatly.
This Superman game - You found a real gem, a Superman game possibly
even WORSE than the fucking awful N64 game. Great stuff. Also, to
me, Clark Kent looks like he's walking around showing off his enormous
pectorals/breasts (You can't really tell on the NES) - Is that just
"Great! I don't need
Lois at all anymore!"