Ah, now here's something that needed to exist- a Super Nintendo game about diabetes. I'm guessing a bunch of game executives sat down with their Folders of Ideas and had a conversation kind of like this:

"Hey Chuck, I've got this great idea for a game. It's about super robots that fight each other while flying and there will be tons of horribly translated catchphrases thrown about. The catch this time- we'll give it GOOD controls so people will want to play it instead of making fanart about the two female pilots."
"I dunno... It seems risky. Our competitors put out the newest version of Madden, and Nintendo's going to make a game where Mario must capture 20,000 different monsters to save the princess from Link's deranged Siamese twin."
"Yes, Dweebworth?"
"I have a game here about diabetes. With a Commodore 64 and a box of felt tip markers, we should be able to ship it in a week or so."
"Great thinking! Let's put that Decent Robot Battler on the back burner with that RPG-Better-Than-Square's."

     ...Yeah... that's probably what happened. Actually, this was one of the two edutainment titles released by Infinite Monkeys At Infinite Macintoshes. The other, Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon, was a game about a tiny surgeon who solves tobacco damage by walking down the patients' throats and blowing them up. That would have been pretty fun, compared to this at least. Under the assumption they finished it. (They did. -ed)

     Captain Novolin is a muscle-bound, sunglasses-wearing geek who has to live under a manhole because anybody with access to sugar can kill him. Imagine if Lex Luthor could have bought Kryptonite by the bag at the local Krogers. I suppose this shows how smart the city was, as there was no chance of him getting drunk with power, overthrowing the Mayor and declaring himself 'Shinagami.'

     Ah yes... the plot, as it were. The Mayor has been kidnapped by aliens. Are you a bad enough dude to save the Mayor? The aliens in question are all huge sugary snack foods who look like they belong in a California Raisins ad. Led by the mobility impaired Blubberman, who throws pies at people from atop Mt. Wayupthar (oh, sweet wit!), they'll... uhh... taunt the world. Anyhow, being Captain Novolin, the Diabetic Superhero(tm), your mission is to rescue him before his 48 hours of diabetic stuff runs out. Wow... a side scrolling game with lots of _jumping?!_ It's too good to be true! And get this- you kill enemies by jumping on them! If you pick up food items(without faces or knives running down the street screaming "DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!"), you regain health; if you pick up too many food items, you DIE. A nice touch, to ensure you realize just how awkward Captain Novacaine is, you have to press DOWN while in the air to stomp. Otherwise, you take a hit and die.

     Then there's ere's the other bonus game. Match the swatch so Captain Novolin can paint his house the right shade of sickly green, mellow blue, or blood red. Isn't it nice how the programmers added all this stuff? Not only can I manage the diabetes I don't have, I can be confident that I can identify _colors._

     Your journey through Pineville consists of three levels. "City," "Forest," and "Mountain." To avoid copyright trouble, they left out a "Snow" level and a "Fire" level. Also, there's a motorboat chase that goes on for about seven days and nights, not dissimilar from a scene in Joe Don Baker's "Final Justice." Between levels, a doctor's head and a floating syringe prompt you to select an appropriate insulin dose. I always cranked it as high as it would go and start the next level with one bar of life. Then a stampeding box of cereal cleverly named "Cereal Killer" rams into me at top speed. Also scattered throughout the game are question marks that ask you things from the instruction manual. Answer them right and well... it's not the points that count but the feeling of learning something. For me, I clicked in the wrong answer and was enlightened: "Heyyyy! This game sucks!"


     After repeating the game's three levels twice, you encounter the enormous Blubberman, who sits in a little golf cart and hucks pies at you. If you flip the electric switch, he's usually nice enough to be standing directly over the power grid.

     At the start of the game, the is the following disclaimer:

     "This game is not intended to provide advice about your own diabetes care. Do not change your own diabetes care plan, diet plan, or insulin dose or schedule without a doctor's supervision."

     In layman's terms, "We don't know what the hell we're talking about. This was all an excuse to have a man dressed as box of cereal run down the street and call it a Cereal Killer. Ha ha. He should have been the focal point of the game." There's also an addition to this text omitted from the final release:

SUBJ.: Your stupid game
"Oh crap. It's two weeks till this goes into production and I only designed four stages. Maybe if I double them and screw with enemy values, I can get away with it. Hey, did I type this in my e-mail box or the program script?"

    This game was, therefore, not just a bad idea, it was a threat to your health. No wonder the only existing copies belong to Super Joe Yamato (pictured right) and the Northmoor Elementary Latchkey Program. Nobody cared if a few guys who wear Nintendo equipment as a fashion statement or some little kids who think they're Eminem got knocked off by lousy health advice. Even of these few people, maybe three of them are severe enough diabetics this would affect them. Bottom line is, all the kids in day care were bright enough to swap Captain Novolin for the cheesy Mario All-Stars game available as part of the 'Sucky Games Make Kids Smart!' program. This is a good reason not to vote for George Bush's kid. One last thought... does sugar affect you if it gets on your skin? Do diabetic people melt when soda pop gets on them? If so, I have a screaming fizzy death in store for a certain classmate. Heh heh heh... you know who you are, Matt.

Graphics:2 All of the enemies have these exaggerated faces that make them look like political cartoons made of feces or California Raisins extras. The rest of the game isn't so lucky.
1 It's like Mario with huge characters who can't avoid colliding. Plus, enemies just seem to want to run past you as opposed to attacking.
1 Oh-ho-ho... Don't get me started, boy.
1 One would hope that all the copies were destroyed as soon as rolling off the line, but the existence of the copy I got my hands on is more terrifying than that of Metal Gear being mass-produced by Iraq.
Health Care Bonus
-3 Why bother making a game about a health condition if you admit the facts within are all lies? This game had to have been made by genocidal freaks!!

Little something extra: my spellcheck suggested I replace the word 'Pineville' with 'penile.'

...and his magical Candyland adventure.

If remembering things from secon grade Health class is too easy for you, trying playing in Spanish or French.

The Little Gay Boat Song (To the tune of the Retarded Boat Stage Theme)

I'm walking along, just minding/
My own business then/
My donut grows teeth and/
Goes for my neck, man I don't need this.

But with my little gay boat in the sky-
I can go up real high./
Leaving the rabid snacks behind me/
Going to a place where diabetics can be free!

Little gay boat in the sky/
I can go just as high/
Powered by rainbows and crap like that/
Just my little gay boat and me.

Yes, Captain Novolin is brain-damagingly bad enough to make me improvise lyrics to its theme music.