my first X-box article, this review will probably leave an indelible
mark on my reputation as a "MICRO$OFT IS TEH GAY!!1!!" sympathiser.
That is if anyone even cares about it any more, as far as I've cared
to pay attention to the media buzz box of late the Console Wars have
slowed down to a Typical Day in the Middle East pace. In any case, it's
not like I own the system or game in question. Hell, I have
a pretty small room, I don't think I could fit that crate of circuitboards
through the door.
Halo is an X-Box first person shooter. As if anybody actually played
one of them for the story, you shoot aliens on a ring-shaped planet.
They probably put so much time into that concept that they forgot to
name the hero beyond assigning him the rank of Master Chief.
system is pretty easy to get the hang of. In spite of the X-Box controller
being one of the worst laid-out things ever, it works pretty good for
Halo, if not so hot for say, fighting games. Or anything else where
you're required to keep track of more than three buttons without looking
down at your hands. (This broad, sweeping statement reached mainly by
their bizarre start button placement.) The Master Chef, er, Chief, as
well as his
repaints comrades, have a regenerative shield that
allows you to survive a bit longer than the old Doom armor system. Not
that I know if anyone still uses Doom. I don't play many FPS games...
though that may change soon. Mwa ha ha.
Halo's real draw isn't the campaign mode. No, no, no, it's the morbidly
addictive multiplayer. It's ingenious in its simplicity- Players pick
marines with custom colors and names. You set up an arena and shoot
each other until the game ends somehow.
basic modes of play include Slayer, Capture the Flag, King of the Hill,
and the woefully sucky Oddball. You can play these in teams or as free-for-alls
to amass the most kills/seconds/etc. You can adjust some parameter like
the Hill time limit, or how gay the Oddball is.
me introduce you to my squad. Our leader and most experienced trooper
is Gnar Killer. He's very tight-lipped about how he came by that nickname-
and about just who or what a Gnar is. Then there was The Grapist; who
underneath that purple armor and Grimace Happy Meal toys was all man.
Then there were the ones we lovingly referred to as the Pink Triad.
There was The_Labia, who had done his time in the trenches, Bubblegum,
whose uncanny ability to... respawn saved her countless times, and Pinkus,
the loose cannon of the team with a strong affinity for grenades. And
then, there is my longtime rival and nemesis, the one known as LordHumungus.
He always seemed to be able to produce a sniper rifle at just the right
moment and find just the right place to wait for his prey to respawn.
He might have been in league with the aliens, who were undoubtedly waiting
just beyond the ridge at Battle Creek, laughing their triangular asses
off as our chain of command collapsed and resulted in endless infighting.
My name is PFC Hibiki, and this is my story.
found my true calling early on in the fight. Throwing caution to the
wind, I leapt into the open shouting YAHOO!!, the sun glinting off my
pink blast armor. I leapt into the seat of the Warthog jeep and peeled
off for Red Base. Perplexed no doubt, as to why I was spinning donutson
their lawn, they sent a scout out. And I ran that fool down! I was a
whirling dervish of vehicular homocide, and even in the moment I accidentally
smacked into Gnar Killer and a couple others, I felt truly alive!
was about when fucking LordHumungus blew me up with the rocket launcher.
trooper known as Matt was abandoned by his squad and our team hunted
him down and killed him. Fifty times. We did take heavy casualties,
but since nobody stays dead in war, it was okay in the end. It was then
that Gnar's tendency toward necrophelia began to rear its ugly head.
don't see much of the Scorpion battletank in our arena matches. Unfortunately,
we see all too much of the alien weapons, or as I've come to refer to
them, the Gay Alien Guns. Or Gaylien for short. Basically, they're little
tiny plasma guns that fire green bolts of mildly injurious energy, making
it really hard to kill much of anything without resorting to clubbing
someone over the head with them (which negates the aforementioned shielding.)
The alien pistol can charge up and fire an exploding shot, but it's
pretty easy to dodge and the area effect isn't as hot as you'd expect.
The Needler is a pretty good as far as alien guns go, though, it fires
exploding homing projectiles. But the game seems to go a lot faster
when you have good old-fashioned slugthrowers. The pistol is probably
my favorite since it's easy to get ammo for, reasonably deadly and has
a zoom function. The rocket launcher is exactly what it should be- a
bulky mass destruction weapon.
I hate sniper rifles. The sniper rifle is crazy powerful and accurate,
and has an added bonus to its intended function: It's actually a really
good way to plaster the walls with someone at point blank range. It's
a good thing the bullets from this thing leave an obvious trail to their
point of origin, since getting picked off by something you can't see
is annoying as hell as it is. Fortunately, the game supplies you with
a list of who killed who. You know, in case you're like me and want
to kick LordHumungus in the shin for just happening to be right in your
gets my thumbs-up if only because it made me give FPS a second chance.
As for the X-Box itself... eh.