I was sure Gowcaizer was a parody of traditional superheroes as I hope
it was meant to be, I could be a lot more forgiving. However, as far
as I'm concerned, parody shouldn't be so easy to make fun of.
For instance, in Mystery Science Theater, you can't make fun of the
cheap sets without looking like a dumbass because it's supposed to look
Fighter(s) Gowcaizer is a fighting game for the Neo Geo. I probably
could have saved 13 letters and two spaces by just saying 'Gowcaizer
is for the Neo Geo,' but there's a sizable chunk of the population who
just remember the Neo Geo as a vague, fuzzy, expensive memory. I never
actually met a person who owned one. It seemed mostly like one of those
made up arcade games of my youth that game magazines and other kids
would make up to sound important.
Sonic on the Genesis is great, but the Narcissus version is so much
better. It has uh, raster graphics and... surround sound."
uh... Street Fighter II Nitro is still the sweetest!"
the longest time people thought I made up Ninja Kids,
but it was seriously one of those situations where it was sitting in
the grocery store next to Mortal Kombat (or Simpsons, I forget which)
and was hauled out by the time I got a friend down to see it. I'd like
to thank MAME once more for the opportunity to rub someone's nose in
we begin, I must call attention to the fact this game was made single-handedly
by Masami Obari, out of mostly his saliva and other less savory bodily
leakings. He is probably best known for his work on the Fatal Fury anime,
specifically how he turned Mai Shiranai into basically a breast-delivery
system. He sure can direct a fight scene, but let this guy near art
supplies and he'll draw about thirty skinny women with bustlines measured
story, as if fighting games actually needed or adhered to them, involves
Tokyo being destroyed by a giant earthquake in the year 1999. Lavos
awakens, and the Macross space fortress slams into him, triggering an
instant Bleak Future for spiky haired teens to jetbike around on. A
chosen few move onto an artificial, computer-run island which is basically
an enormous college. A sentence from some promotional site describes
the situation well:
some reason, unspeakable acts of evil have become increasingly common
on this artificial island, in spite of the fact that it is supposed
to be under the complete control of the central computer."
'unspeakable evil.' The scope of this is that there are more mad scientists
and supervillains wandering around, but virtually no Final Fight thugs
or Robocop extras. It's an all-or-nothing crime utopia on the little
island. Personally, I think it sounds pretty nice. Get mugged and life'll
suck for days. But if Professor Exposed Cranium completes WEAPON Z,
you'll get vaporized very very quickly. Into the scene step somewhere
between seven and eighty costumed do-gooders to make the streets safe
again for youth gangs and petty criminals.
whole situation is soon overshadowed by the subplot of the old man chasing
the donkey in the Great Wall of China level. Will he ever catch that
is the (main; there are a lot of heroes) hero and he gets his
power from the Kaizer Stone. And his secret name is Isato Kaiza. He
may not have his name on as many things, or even be able to spell it
as consistently as Batman, but at least his molded-plastic bodysuit
doesn't have little nipples on it. It does, however, make him look like
he's trying to cosplay as Galaxy Fraulein Yuna or maybe the girl from
the Guardian Legend. Another odd fact is that he's the Burning Hero
Gowcaizer, not the Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer. He does seem like the
sort of person who would repeatedly electrocute themselves with a wall
neglected but very bouncy girlfriend Karin seems to have stolen her
mystic powers from the Dragonball Z prop department. She can summon
and ride a little cloud, jiggle, and fight with an extendable iron power-pole.
Most notably, though, she can jiggle and create little tiny jiggly copies
of herself. They may not seem very useful at all, as the adorable Barbie-sized/proportioned
copy whacks your ankle, then the next thing you know you're on your
back listening to her victory speech. Which, as befits an SNK-affiliated
game, usually is along the lines of "NICE MUSCLES! POSE, POSE!"
She also makes fun of the lazy job the sound effects programmers did
by summoning a cloud that makes the same sound effect as a hard punch.
Must be some really hard water vapor or something.
is your garden-variety 'cool guy with magic.' Dressed in all white,
wielding a wooden sword and a jagged hairstyle, he's either trying to
impersonate KoF's Iori or Michael Jackson. When questioned about this
by a reporter, he burned her alive with his shadow and summoned a babboon
made entirely out of blue flames. Also, in the Gowcaizer anime (Of course
it's directed by Obari!) he had a large-chested assistant. I never saw
the OAV, but if they go out of their way to point out she's 'well-endowed'
in an Obari film, she was probably cut from the game because of severe
this guy chases the donkey. Actually, I think he looks more Cuban than
has a complex background negated almost immediately by her bouncy appearance
(painstakingly rendered in the opening FMV, no less) and mid-game full-frontal
nude transformation scene. I am utterly clueless as to whether she was
supposed to be a space policewoman who wanted to become an idol singer,
or an idol singer who wanted to become a galaxy policewoman. She seems
to have both, as she has a school gym full of cheering fans, a stage
with a wall of TV's that show her picture from every possible angle,
and a small arsenal concealed in her frilly little outfit. She can't
actually fight or anything, so she has a little robot named Ballboy
who hits things and goes on little adventures that teach kids to tie
their shoes and be kind to the elderly. He later went on to be mass
produced by Tyco or given a sitcom. I forget which.
really don't know what to say about this green insect robot thing, besides
the fact it's named Marion. Shenlong is an old Chinese man who knows
karate, and Hellstinger is a gay punk rocker. Fudomaru rounds out this
group of characters noone would use in a million years with his painful-to-watch
attempts to be Japanese. Especially when he offers to teach you "REAL
NINJA TECHNIQUES! AS SEEN ON TV!!"
The coolest fighter in the game! He's a blatant ripoff of Ultraman and
his extended family, but he resembles the cyborg bug warrior Masked
Rider more than anything else, right down to his cries of "Brider
Kick!" His gimmick is that he really, REALLY wants to impress Amelia
from Slayers, so he constantly cries out the word 'Justice!' whenever
it's least appropriate. And who can forget his loveable catchphrase,
that has endeared him to millions of fans of all ages:
AM THE JUSTICE. NOT YOU.
Amelia wouldn't return his calls and threatened legal action. The Transforming
Hero Brider is currently under a restraining order that mandates he
and his little red twin must stay at least three VHS cassettes away
from any Slayers series. Which, given the fact nobody actually bought
the Gowcaizer tapes, and Brider isn't even in them, isn't exactly the
harshest of punishments.
he goes again.
to the far opposite end of the scale, Captain Atlantis is a towering
example of everything that can go wrong with a Y chromosome. Even my
dad had to comment, "That is one gay pose he's got there"
on his victory stance. There is one thing that makes him more enjoyable
to play with than say, Captain Novolin, and that is the fact every time
you hit him, you're rewarded with an incredibly wussy, "Oh no!"
That's not the worst of it. The background of his level features a billboard
touting the forthcoming Captain Atlantis: The Movie. He also has body
builders, two conjoined midgets, and an 8-bit girl rooting for him.
will he ever catch that donkey? Ha ha ha!