3/2 In space, nobody can hear your Hadouken.

Galaxy Fight

     Naturally, in the borderline euphoric state I find myself in after discovering some new trivial distraction for myself (like kneaded erasers, the new TransFormers [note: at the time of the article, I was referring to Robots in Disguise, since the even more odious Armada cartoon didn't exist yet -ed], and terrible foreign game ROMs) I just had to have Galaxy Fight. Incidentally, this same default hoarding action usually ends up defusing my interest in the subject. Some reviews I've given up on in the past included Wai Wai World, a Konami platformer about a guy in a stupid winged helmet with a K on it, simply because Wai Wai World 2 just left me thinking, 'oh, why bother.' The first game set off all the triggers most of my other articles- bad/weird graphics, crappy gameplay, and probably most importantly, unclear goals. I guess I just didn't want to bother, expecting the usual couple of follow up emails reading something like:

     "I just read your review of [game] and would like to point out [plot information from the game I screwed up just filling in the blanks left by not having the manual]. Besides that, it was hilarious. By the way, there was [list of remakes and sequels, merchandise, etc.]"

     So, anyway, I grabbed Galaxy Fight. The opening animation wasn't exactly inspired, but decent. In fact, I was basically okay with everything until I finally started playing.

     Call me predictable, but the first thing I do to test a fighting game is the jump kick. If I don't like how that move handles, chances are I won't like the rest of the game. Bear in mind I had it set on 'Easy' for the test runs. I jump into the air, hit kick, it gets blocked and the next thing I know I'm being kicked across the screen by a Rise of the Robots reject. How humiliating. In a single sentence I've blurted out my best tactic and admitted playing Rise. Might as well weld my coffin shut by admitting I BOUGHT Rise of the Robots (on SNES, no less.)

     This game is probably the only game that accurately susbstitutes playing against another real person. The computer blocks constantly, uses cheap projectile attacks, and my personal favorite, beating you up about halfway then dodging for the rest of the round. Just like a real player. This wouldn't annoy me too much if it had more newfangled counters (like WW7) and intuitive controls (yes, like WW7.) Unfortunately, this must have been one of those 'early' fighters, since blocking while crouched renders the fighter practically unkillable. Lacking the '1337 |V|/-\|) S|<iLLz' or the patience to actually memorize the special attacks I needed to win, I resorted to the time honored tradition of fighting fire with fire. I became even cheaper. I can't even remember if I pressed 'forwards' once during the first match I ever won, but I got enough throws in while blocking the twenty-hit combos the computer has no problem pulling off to win by timeover.

     You don't play this game for the game, as you've probably guessed. It's both a Neo Geo fighter and from Japan, so you're probably simply in it to see whatever fool thing the characters say between matches. And boy does this one deliver on all fronts. Whether you're looking for the cute girl saying things that sound stupid, or the stupid muscle guy saying cute things, Galaxy Fight has it all.

     Gunter is an enormous mint-green lizard warrior. as you can see, he is a man of profound wisdom with a silver tongue. He's yet another graduate of the Slow But Strong School of Fighting Game Martial Arts. As such, I can't tell his special attacks from his normal attacks, except he has an interesting tendency to flash grey when he blocks attacks.

     He really is an attractive fellow, isn't he.

     Ah, G. Done. Here's a great character type you don't see enough of: a trash-talking black guy with a shady past. They should have made him a hidden character, since he kicks way too much ass for just any player. I really like the way the voice actor seems to have gone and done research on catchphrases, whereas the people who wrote his text dialogue just did their usual crappy job.

Don't be vain, and up front here!

     Here's an example of the contrast: Voice bite: "School's out, sucka!" Text box: "You're just a junk put together at a garage in the Empire, eh? I'll take you apart with my bare hands right here and now!" Evidentally, the guys in charge of the English version got ahead of themselves and started into the Candian version.

     Alvan is an incredibly small man from the cursed planet Rozalis. He's also a cheap fighter, even for this game, who attacks with almost nothing but projectiles. Now might be a good time to start repeating to yourself through one of those robo-voice microphones, "Alvan Loses!"

     Power play tip: If you somehow select Alvan, master of magic, reset your Neo Geo system and load a better game.

     Meet Juri, skanky teleporting space pirate. I think she might have made a cameo appearance in Those Who Hunt Elves; then again I said the same thing about Damon Wayans. Interesting contradiction: She's totally obsessed with her appearance, and yet she looks like... that. Don't count on beating her unless you know how to block while mashing C until you get a throw.

     Hey, look. It's Kazuma, the ninja. And he's fantastically cheap. He's also not too bright, as evidenced by the picture at right. All of his before-fight taunts consist of "(Mildly-insulting name calling or any other random phrase)... Chop you into pieces!" I think he might be a friend of Rolf's seeing as how they know each other's names and come from planet Airass.

     Rolf is a galactic hero who daringly sports a space suit with no helmet. Notice the thick layers of padding and intricate system of manuevering jets and hydraulics, meaning he's probably about 65 pounds underneath all that systemry. I've also considered the possibility that he wears a padded suit for his own protection.

Lucky stiff.

     Roomi is a miscellaneous mammalian kind of anthropomorphic thing. Beyond that I, don't know if she's supposed to be a catgirl or a kangaroogirl. She's got a great tackle/throw move that has her straddling the lucky guy and pummeling the living daylights out of him. It's always a heartwarming experience to see a cute girl splattering someone's blood all over the arena. Did I mention her mammary traits? The game really emphasises that.

     Musafar, rhymes with Lucifer, is a homocidal cappucino machine escaped from the robot factory from Rise of the Robots. He's actually even easier to beat than Alvan, especially as Roomi. I should say something positive about this walking ashtray, so here goes: His level's music sounds like Legato's theme from Trigun. And that makes me all squishy inside.

     I suppose it's safe to say now, when most fighting series go into outer space, they burn up on re-entry. Look at Street Fighter 2010, Punch-Out! 2, etc. As Galaxy Fight began in space, it would make sense that it would be doomed to a short lifespan outside a cult following, like most games in general. That isn't to say the whole game was awful. The graphics were pretty nice, and the sound effects were pretty nicely done. I especially like the voices of G. Done and Roomi. I like the blood treatment in this one, too. Blood doesn't come out of the robot, for example, and the characters for the most part only bleed on attacks that make sense, like sword cuts.



Bonus-Kun: The Legend

It's everyone's favorite cylindrical solid, Bonus Kun! As the debate rages as to whether he's really a living punching bag or just Mr. Butts, unemployed Doonesbury cigarette mascot, just enjoy the fact he has no arms and can't block. He somehow overcomes this when he reappears in the much superior follow-up, Waku Waku 7

Not really all that fun fact: Capcom got back SNK's alledgedly shameless Ryu ripoff, Ryo, by creating Dan Hibiki. Sunsoft evidentally decided to counter-counter this by making a punching bag with Ryu's signature red headband. Even though the whole thing had nothing to do with them.

As you can see, these major companies can carry on in a nice, adult manner.