3/2 A Simple 3-Step Evolution

EVO: Search for Eden

     For the more sheeplike of you out there (take that as you will,) 'Evolution' is the magic process by which a time-traveling wizard named Darwin turns monkeys into people and makes a Manwich a meal. I think Evolution was also one of those 80's one-hit wonder bands. Anyway, since some religious and presumably white people of significant standing were angered that science would dare counter their uncontested theory that a huge bearded man made all the animals out of clay, then added a pair of dim-witted but very white people to bung it all up, Darwin's theory was banned from about six Midwestern schools. If you're a history buff and want to visit these schools, I don't know them by name or anything, but I'm sure if you run a check on what schools are banning Harry Potter, you'll probably come up with something.

     EVO is the story of some Greco-Roman gods, a transforming fish, some talking critters, and their journey to the Christian paradise of Eden. Not since Gilgamesh avenging Odin in Final Fantasy 8 has mythology had this big a traffic jam.

     Your job is to guide a rather cutish little fish creature named Life around and tell him when to do things like chew and grow legs. Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth is watching over you and offers her anime-eyed best wishes. I'm not really sure what Gaia is doing concentrating all her attention on a single fish. But wait, it's no normal fish!

     As you bite the heads off things, you'll gain EVO points, redeemable with most participating dieties. Evo points are your key to turning your wussy little cave-trout into a giant, freakish, razor-toothed, spiral-horned sea demon. There's also some random Satanic jewel thing that will turn you into an overpowered and recognizable creature for a short time. I usually get a stingray. When that wears off, though, you have to go back to coping with that Frankensteinian mass of fish parts you think you must have been drunk to evolve into.

     Mostly the game is as follows: Swim, swim, bite, bite. Jellyfish becomes a pork roast. Eat it, grow a dozen extra fins. I wonder why Mr. Wizard and Bill Nye never told me that pork was the building block of all life? Swim, swim, swim, something starts talking that probably shouldn't be able to like a rock or sea cucumber or something. Eat whatever speaks for more power. Grow a dumbass angler's horn-thing. So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that the game is like a very expensive and complicated virtual pet.

     But wait, there's a plot buried somewhere in all those mismatched limbs and chum. Apparently the Kuralesche (that's EVO for 'sharks') are blocking the only way to dry land, someplace I apparently need to go. So, I bust in there and meet the first boss, a battle-damaged and super nasty shark. I was stumped as to how to beat him until I realized that by evolving my body back and forth, I restored my HP to full. I guess that solves the old question of 'if monkeys evolved into people, why are there still monkeys.' You know, that age old question among people who don't stop to consider the idea that ALL lifeforms would be at varying stages of evolution at any given point in time, meaning that the highest lifeforms would be morphing into genuinely new creatures while lower organisms rushed in to fill the gap. Of course, it isn't like I know how evolution or life works; nobody does, and anybody who says they does is shoveling warm dung on your shoes.

     And that's how I found a bug in the system and somehow gave birth to life as we know it. Next, I'll discuss how I ended the Korean War by standing on the top of the crate and using Donatello to hit Rock Steady in the head. There's some kind of weird epilogue in which a pair of Martians discuss how well you're doing and hope they can start their own life on Mars. Then the Wizard gives Bill Murray a brain, I think. I don't know. The whole affair is so screwed up I'd rather not think about it.



Darwinism and Creationism to your corners, touch hands and come out biting.

Damn those cucumbers!

...The planet Mars is bestowing wisdom upon Bill Murray. I've been playing this game way too long.