EVO: Search for Eden
the more sheeplike of you out there (take that as you will,) 'Evolution'
is the magic process by which a time-traveling wizard named Darwin turns
monkeys into people and makes a Manwich a meal. I think Evolution was
also one of those 80's one-hit wonder bands. Anyway, since some religious
and presumably white people of significant standing were angered that
science would dare counter their uncontested theory that a huge bearded
man made all the animals out of clay, then added a pair of dim-witted
but very white people to bung it all up, Darwin's theory was banned
from about six Midwestern schools. If you're a history buff and want
to visit these schools, I don't know them by name or anything, but I'm
sure if you run a check on what schools are banning Harry Potter, you'll
probably come up with something.
is the story of some Greco-Roman gods, a transforming fish, some talking
critters, and their journey to the Christian paradise of Eden. Not since
Gilgamesh avenging Odin in Final Fantasy 8 has mythology had this big
a traffic jam.
job is to guide a rather cutish little fish creature named Life around
and tell him when to do things like chew and grow legs. Gaia, the Spirit
of the Earth is watching over you and offers her anime-eyed best wishes.
I'm not really sure what Gaia is doing concentrating all her attention
on a single fish. But wait, it's no normal fish!
you bite the heads off things, you'll gain EVO points, redeemable with
most participating dieties. Evo points are your key to turning your
wussy little cave-trout into a giant, freakish, razor-toothed, spiral-horned
sea demon. There's also some random Satanic jewel thing that will turn
you into an overpowered and recognizable creature for a short time.
I usually get a stingray. When that wears off, though, you have to go
back to coping with that Frankensteinian mass of fish parts you think
you must have been drunk to evolve into.
the game is as follows: Swim, swim, bite, bite. Jellyfish becomes a
pork roast. Eat it, grow a dozen extra fins. I wonder why Mr. Wizard
and Bill Nye never told me that pork was the building block of all life?
Swim, swim, swim, something starts talking that probably shouldn't be
able to like a rock or sea cucumber or something. Eat whatever speaks
for more power. Grow a dumbass angler's horn-thing. So, I guess what
I'm trying to say, is that the game is like a very expensive and complicated
wait, there's a plot buried somewhere in all those mismatched limbs
and chum. Apparently the Kuralesche (that's EVO for 'sharks') are blocking
the only way to dry land, someplace I apparently need to go. So, I bust
in there and meet the first boss, a battle-damaged and super nasty shark.
I was stumped as to how to beat him until I realized that by evolving
my body back and forth, I restored my HP to full. I guess that solves
the old question of 'if monkeys evolved into people, why are there still
monkeys.' You know, that age old question among people who don't stop
to consider the idea that ALL lifeforms would be at varying stages of
evolution at any given point in time, meaning that the highest lifeforms
would be morphing into genuinely new creatures while lower organisms
rushed in to fill the gap. Of course, it isn't like I know how evolution
or life works; nobody does, and anybody who says they does is shoveling
warm dung on your shoes.
that's how I found a bug in the system and somehow gave birth to life
as we know it. Next, I'll discuss how I ended the Korean War by standing
on the top of the crate and using Donatello to hit Rock Steady in the
head. There's some kind of weird epilogue in which a pair of Martians
discuss how well you're doing and hope they can start their own life
on Mars. Then the Wizard gives Bill Murray a brain, I think. I don't
know. The whole affair is so screwed up I'd rather not think about it.