There once was a boy who, probably by accident, came into posession
of twenty dollars. And lo, in the shelves of Kay-Bee Toys, this affordably
priced NES cartridge did call out to him...
I got started thinking
about To the Earth again for some reason. Quite possibly my stupidest
purchase excluding Knights of Ramune (that three-volume cheesecake fest
that almost everyone seems to have seen the first volume of, and been
so utterly repelled that the rest of the tapes are still occupying the
thin space after Dragon Ball Z at Suncoast). To The Earth was a horrible
Zapper game that put you in command of the only spaceship ever built,
once again. Some evil alien empire unleashed a virus on the planet,
so you ran out to get all the vital ingredients, conveniently scattered
across all the planets of the solar system.
So, you start off outside
Pluto, attempting to shoot the enemies in spite of truly HORRIBLE hit
detection and the fact every missed shot drains your life meter. In
about five minutes, you should be at the point where the ship's siren
goes "PLLRRBFTTH! PLLRRBFTTH!" and turns everything
red. Did I mention that I actually mean five real minutes? Yes,
not only are you outnumbered and outgunned, but you're at the mercy
of one of the slowest......... automatic........... scrolls...........
ever. So, excusing the fact your ship seems to be moving straight left
and right, you'll be hearing a LOT of the To The Earth Theme Song.
Through the magic of Game
Genie and sitting right against the screen with the barrel actually
touching it, I beat the game a couple times. The ending as I remember
it involves the President congratulating you, then addressing you as
the Great Nester.