3/2 I Flew All The Way To Pluto And Back And All I Got Was This Lousy Cartridge

1990-something. There once was a boy who, probably by accident, came into posession of twenty dollars. And lo, in the shelves of Kay-Bee Toys, this affordably priced NES cartridge did call out to him...

I got started thinking about To the Earth again for some reason. Quite possibly my stupidest purchase excluding Knights of Ramune (that three-volume cheesecake fest that almost everyone seems to have seen the first volume of, and been so utterly repelled that the rest of the tapes are still occupying the thin space after Dragon Ball Z at Suncoast). To The Earth was a horrible Zapper game that put you in command of the only spaceship ever built, once again. Some evil alien empire unleashed a virus on the planet, so you ran out to get all the vital ingredients, conveniently scattered across all the planets of the solar system.

So, you start off outside Pluto, attempting to shoot the enemies in spite of truly HORRIBLE hit detection and the fact every missed shot drains your life meter. In about five minutes, you should be at the point where the ship's siren goes "PLLRRBFTTH! PLLRRBFTTH!" and turns everything red. Did I mention that I actually mean five real minutes? Yes, not only are you outnumbered and outgunned, but you're at the mercy of one of the slowest......... automatic........... scrolls........... ever. So, excusing the fact your ship seems to be moving straight left and right, you'll be hearing a LOT of the To The Earth Theme Song.

Through the magic of Game Genie and sitting right against the screen with the barrel actually touching it, I beat the game a couple times. The ending as I remember it involves the President congratulating you, then addressing you as the Great Nester.


Kay, bye now.



For some reason the original version of this article was linked to by an adorable drawing of Ruri from Nadesico. I wonder if that drew anyone in to their doom.

I'd supply horrific screenshots if not for the fact that 1) I've yet to find an NES Zapper emulator (OK, so I haven't exactly been trying) and 2) I'm usually welling up with too much rage to snap pictures of it off my TV set while playing it.

There are a couple scenes where friendly ships come by. If you shoot the little "E" in the corner, you'll regain some precious life. If you blast them on instinct, you lose a big chunk of it.