Kids love dinosaurs. Kids love robots. And the same sort of kid who walks around rattling off dinosaur names and playing with TransFormers until you want to smash their adorable head in probably likes video games. So, get this- A video game... about dinosaurs... that are robots! Why didn't they come up with that before they went through the trouble of making up something about plumbers and monkeys? I give you: Dynowarz: The Destruction of Spondylus. Whatever a Spondylus is supposed to be. Maybe it's the planet you're on, or whoever you want to kill. Or maybe it's your name, because you get destroyed a lot.

Whee.The very first thing you see is a room with a spiked floor, green things moving up and down, and a couple blue things flying around. You're the little blue guy down in the corner. Already, you know this is one of those NES gems: games programmed and released either by a sadistic genius or an ignorant sheep farmer. In either case, this is one of those unplayable, unwatchable, unbearable abominations.

They start you off with a three-way gun, possibly to make up for the fact you can't aim. I'd also say you can't jump, but you can. Technically. You CAN press the "A" button, and he will leave the ground, but the whole sequence takes a good hour to complete. You're actually better off foregoing the whole angle of jumping on the moving platforms like they want you to and just walking through the trap rooms. The spikes do suprisingly little damage, considering I was raised on Megaman and the idea that pointy things make you explode.

By making through this pointless blurb of a level, you come to a big head, which your little guy jumps into. Then the world goes black, we see a picture of a dinosaur mech, and you're in another side-scrolling level. Except this time it's 'more fun' because you got the robot. The only thing is that is has even less armament than your little blue guy did. Hey look. Can you kids tell me which dinosaur has three horns on its head? It's a TRICERATOPS. Did you know some dinosaurs ate plants? They were called HERBIVORES. And the ones who rip their flesh apart are CARNIVORES. The ones who only eat the weak and dying, and support the wealthy tobacco-growing dinosaurs are called REPUBLICANS.

DragonZord! Go!If you have a Tyrannosaur-themed machine, the worst conceivable choice of attack would be punching with its tiny arms. And these sharp young programmers don't miss a beat making you do just that. And, it just so happens most of your enemies are tiny things you need to duck down to hit. There are also blue tyrannosaurs ambling about, presumably with other clueless jumpsuited pilots inside. Basically, when you smash bigger robots, you get their gun. Of course, this means defeating an armed opponent with tiny, flailing vestigial arms. Make it all the way to the end, and you face a worthy adversary- a huge slow thing that speeds up when you shoot it. Here's a tip for beating the boss: Hit him really hard until he stops moving. Then you're free to go inside another stupid sub-level as the guy in the blue suit, only the enemies are suddenly shooting at you and seeking to wish you active harm.

Blaster Master, Metal Mech, and now Dynowarz. Why can't they make a game where you get a cool mecha AND stay inside it? These little jumpsuited robot pilots have an unfortunate tendency to want to get out into the open, stretch, flip levers, or get devoured by creatures. It's just not a good idea. At left, we see ace pilot Dopey MacHalfnelson stepping out to tell kids to SAY NO TO DRUGS. To which he was greeted with a hail of bullets and a cry of, "When giant pink dinosaurs start fighting in our neighborhood, I say ANYTHING GOES!" Anarchy ensues, and nobody cares.

And the million dollar question is: what is a 'SPONDYLUS?'

GRAPHICS: 1: Sometimes I slip and think I'm playing Silver Surfer. I hate Silver Surfer.
SOUND: 1: Spondylus: The Destruction of Your Head.
GAMEPLAY: 0: If you made it to the first boss without falling into the pits your lumbering THING can't seem to clear half the time, it was just luck.
OVERALL: 1: It's as fun as trying to suck those pewter MechWarrior figurines up your nose.
SURVIVOR BONUS: -2: I don't know what's so important behind those big doors, but I doubt it's worth giving up the comfort and safety of a twelve story metal eating robot dinosaur.




For once I'll let this speak for itself.

It's Troopy, the Enemy Trooper. Join Troopy on all sorts of fun and educational adventures!!

Bang and Mary. I forget who is who.