Kids love dinosaurs.
Kids love robots. And the same sort of kid who walks around rattling
off dinosaur names and playing with TransFormers until you want to smash
their adorable head in probably likes video games. So, get this- A video
game... about dinosaurs... that are robots! Why didn't they come up
with that before they went through the trouble of making up something
about plumbers and monkeys? I give you: Dynowarz: The Destruction of
Spondylus. Whatever a Spondylus is supposed to be. Maybe it's the planet
you're on, or whoever you want to kill. Or maybe it's your name, because
you get destroyed a lot.
The very first thing you see is a room with a spiked floor, green
things moving up and down, and a couple blue things flying around. You're
the little blue guy down in the corner. Already, you know this is one
of those NES gems: games programmed and released either by a sadistic
genius or an ignorant sheep farmer. In either case, this is one of those
unplayable, unwatchable, unbearable abominations.
They start you off
with a three-way gun, possibly to make up for the fact you can't aim.
I'd also say you can't jump, but you can. Technically. You CAN press
the "A" button, and he will leave the ground, but the whole sequence
takes a good hour to complete. You're actually better off foregoing
the whole angle of jumping on the moving platforms like they want you
to and just walking through the trap rooms. The spikes do suprisingly
little damage, considering I was raised on Megaman and the idea that
pointy things make you explode.
By making through this pointless
blurb of a level, you come to a big head, which your little guy jumps
into. Then the world goes black, we see a picture of a dinosaur mech,
and you're in another side-scrolling level. Except this time it's 'more
fun' because you got the robot. The only thing is that is has even less
armament than your little blue guy did. Hey look. Can you kids tell
me which dinosaur has three horns on its head? It's a TRICERATOPS. Did
you know some dinosaurs ate plants? They were called HERBIVORES. And
the ones who rip their flesh apart are CARNIVORES. The ones who only
eat the weak and dying, and support the wealthy tobacco-growing dinosaurs
are called REPUBLICANS.
If you have a Tyrannosaur-themed machine, the worst
conceivable choice of attack would be punching with its tiny arms. And
these sharp young programmers don't miss a beat making you do just that.
And, it just so happens most of your enemies are tiny things you need
to duck down to hit. There are also blue tyrannosaurs ambling about,
presumably with other clueless jumpsuited pilots inside. Basically,
when you smash bigger robots, you get their gun. Of course, this means
defeating an armed opponent with tiny, flailing vestigial arms. Make
it all the way to the end, and you face a worthy adversary- a huge slow
thing that speeds up when you shoot it. Here's a tip for beating the
boss: Hit him really hard until he stops moving. Then you're free to
go inside another stupid sub-level as the guy in the blue suit, only
the enemies are suddenly shooting at you and seeking to wish you active
Blaster Master, Metal Mech, and now
Dynowarz. Why can't they make a game where you get a cool mecha AND
stay inside it? These little jumpsuited robot pilots have an unfortunate
tendency to want to get out into the open, stretch, flip levers, or
get devoured by creatures. It's just not a good idea. At left, we see
ace pilot Dopey MacHalfnelson stepping out to tell kids to SAY NO TO
DRUGS. To which he was greeted with a hail of bullets and a cry of,
"When giant pink dinosaurs start fighting in our neighborhood, I say
ANYTHING GOES!" Anarchy ensues, and nobody cares.
And the million dollar
question is: what is a 'SPONDYLUS?'
GRAPHICS: 1: Sometimes
I slip and think I'm playing Silver Surfer. I hate Silver Surfer.
SOUND: 1: Spondylus: The Destruction of Your Head.
GAMEPLAY: 0: If you made it to the first boss without falling
into the pits your lumbering THING can't seem to clear half the time,
it was just luck.
OVERALL: 1: It's as fun as trying to suck those pewter MechWarrior
figurines up your nose.
SURVIVOR BONUS: -2: I don't know what's so important behind those
big doors, but I doubt it's worth giving up the comfort and safety of
a twelve story metal eating robot dinosaur.