Dr. Mario: A Study of Malpractice

Mario is, if nothing else, a man who's earned his delusions of grandeur. From a humble beginning as Brooklyn construction worker, he was fired from his job after his 12,546th attempt to rescue his myopic girlfriend Daisy from an unshaven coworker. With his brother, he went on to found a mildly successful specialty plumbing firm, which involved crawling around the sewer and killing stray turtles. One wrong term plunged him into a fantasy world of cheerful walking mushrooms and other, decidedly more scowly walking mushrooms. Oddly enough, the pudgy fella took to this parallel dimension like a fish to water and was skyrocketed to superhero status by the grateful Mushroom Kingdomer's following his daring rescue of Princess Toadstool.

Over the years, Mario would go on to wear many other hats. Actually, it was usually the same hat, he just got bored of adventuring and tried a number of other careers, usually with his trusty NES-era Rat Pack. One particularly disastrous experiment was the direct result of MIT (Mushroom Institute of Technology) gave him an honorary doctorate in Goomba Stomping. Dr. Mario soon let the title get to his head, and he begun a second-floor practice in the home he shared with his increasingly isolated and paranoid brother, Luigi. Princess Toadstool brought her community-college level know-how and RN liscense along to help her long-time friend, knowing full well he'd need it.

Dr. Mario pioneered an unorthodox method of administering medicine which would be called "insane" by many doctors today, as well as a good chunk of non-doctors and 80's musicians. His philosophy was simply "VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME." He simply kept chucking pills into jars of virus culture, hoping enough of the pills were the same color as the virii within. However, he tended to not really pay attention to the symptoms or coloration of the viruses within and had been known to continuously force-feed blue pills into a jar with nothing but yellow and red viruses.

Dr. Mario's first malpractice investigation was quicly snubbed out as he simply hopped on the head of the plaintiff's lawyer and booted his shell and body into the witness stand. Though it was a mockery of due process, he knocked out enough jurors to net a 1-UP and the judge moved the case be dismissed because it was "kinda cool."

So, we begin with the good Doctor easily defeating three viruses. That's what, a cold? Within less than a few seconds of administering the Mario Method, the viruses multiplied geometrically. Now, since the viruses were mutating in an unexpected manner. Instead of developing a tolerance to the drugs, meaning more same-colored pills needed to be stacked on top of them, the potency seemed to stay the same but the infection spread like wildfire. Thus we can only assume that whatever was in those pills was like viral Miracle Grow.

Mario stayed in practice for an amazingly long time, and even when he inevitably lost a patient he simply shrugged and started over with a fresh bottle of pills. He used empty peanut butter jars as practice, which he got a lot of after Toads 1-3 met a flesh-curdling fate from a simple flu mutating into an illness nicknamed "Ebola Mushroom Kingdom", and nobody else wanted to see him.

So, what began as empty praise from his adoring public eventually became full-blown dementia. Dr. Mario was stripped of his diploma and returned to superhero plumbering (with a couple stops at 'Time Traveling Detective' and 'go-kart racer') after a 2-week jail term. To this day, the Toads still regard him with a mix of adoration and caution, kind of like how we look at O.J. Simpson today.

On the other hand, oddly, Mario's self-proclaimed nemesis Wario became a respected physician soon after spoofing his 'goody-two-shoes' counterpart's temporary(?) descent into madness. Wario could not be reached for comment because, quote, he "can't hear us through all his WADS of DOCTOR CASH AND WIMMINS."

-MANNA

The Mario Method at work. Not pictured: patient foaming at the mouth from overdose.

Early stages of Funk Fever infection. Not pictured: bitchin' NES grooves.

Actual photograph of the virii, magnified... about twice. Not pictured: Horrified vomiting.