The Adventures of Bayou
Billy leads an idyllic, scummy backwater life with his General Issue
girl Annabelle. However, the Cajun's natural enemy, the Fat Cajun kidnaps
his beau, presumably for food, and Bayou Billy's adventure begins. With
nothing but his bare hands and the clothes on his back, he wages a one-man
war against the forces of Fat Cajun.
pressing start, a poorly sampled voice clip
comes up to reassure you that you are, in fact playing The Adventures
of Bayou Billy. You'll also be greeted with this message:
foreshadowing of the modern era of gaming, where a fully-narrated walkthrough
is usually essential to learning the controls. Accompanied by some pretty
funky music, Billy runs into a a vicious gang of Double
Dragon enemies. Your arm is far too short and stubby for this battle,
so use kicks and the occasional (gasp expectantly) jump kick. Billy's
kicks are perfect for dispatching thugs, as he sticks his toe straight
out and at precisely groin level.
of course, you will get a crappy knife, or even better, the Fighting
Game Stick. (Insert heavenly choir.) Yes, that same off-white, foot
and a half long stick as seen in Double Dragon, Battletoads, and Battle
Toads and Double Dragon: The (pen)Ultimate Team. Bayou Billy has the
advantage over the River City Ransom kids in the end, though since he
can get a revolver. Oh yeah, there's also a bullwhip that acts like
a slower, slightly longer stick.
bother using the punch button, ever. It's mostly there for when you
get a gun. Look out, Bayou Billy! Fat Cajun has pulled out all the stops
and hired Mad Max extras! Don't worry, though, just keep kicking and
they'll be off to the urologist in no time. If a chicken leg goes flying
out of their pants following your assault, don't be shy; pick it up
to regain the 90% of your health you lost to cheap shots and poor hit
also be required to fight a certain quota of alligators. This will be
a hard fight, as alligators have internal genitalia and Billy can't
kick when his feet are wet for some reason. Just stand in one place
and keep punching the air above their heads to make them flash red and
eventually die. The next water-filled hole is full of treacherous gun-toting
SCUBA divers. I'm not an expert in such things, but it's pretty impressive
that they can use those crappy flintlock pistols after being underwater.
Ultimately, this roving gang of diving instructors prove to be about
as tough as you'd expect a group of people who wear full diving gear
in knee-deep water to be.
next level becomes a first-person shooter. It takes a little more effort
to wreak groin violence with the Zapper than it does by moving the crosshairs
on the controller around. Shoot the flying sticks of dynamite to make
them harmlessly explode inches from your face instead of in your face,
where they might inflict about two points of damage. At the end of the
level, you'll get to fight a tiny helicopter filled with about a thousand
deer hunters. Truly a marvel of Fat Cajun engineering.
comes a brief stage followed by the real level boss, some kind of a
huge jumberjack guy who tries hitting you with an extra long version
of the Fighting Game Stick.
the most bitchin' part of the game: The driving stages. There's just
something about a little green jeep putting along as you blow away other
cars with implied machine guns and chucking grenades at low-flying biplanes.
It's like Legend of Boggy Creek meets North by Northwest or something.
about three hours of kicking, shooting, and driving, you arrive at The
Big Easy with its signature BOURBON billboards and roving accountant
gangs. Billy fights his way down what is quite possibly the longest
street in the United States, fighting off the hordes of accountants
and Hispanic guys with ball and chains. Eventually, you make it into
Fat Cajun's lavishly decorated mansion and do battle with his identical
twin bodyguards Rocko and Rocco. If you still have the gun, just shoot
them. If not, kick them in the groin endlessly until they both stop
moving like usual. Congratulation! You've saved Annabelle! Time for
some well-deserved bourbon and muskrat lovin'. Enjoy the Konami-licious