The Adventures of Bayou Billy

     Bayou Billy leads an idyllic, scummy backwater life with his General Issue girl Annabelle. However, the Cajun's natural enemy, the Fat Cajun kidnaps his beau, presumably for food, and Bayou Billy's adventure begins. With nothing but his bare hands and the clothes on his back, he wages a one-man war against the forces of Fat Cajun.

     Upon pressing start, a poorly sampled voice clip comes up to reassure you that you are, in fact playing The Adventures of Bayou Billy. You'll also be greeted with this message:

     Eerie foreshadowing of the modern era of gaming, where a fully-narrated walkthrough is usually essential to learning the controls. Accompanied by some pretty funky music, Billy runs into a a vicious gang of Double Dragon enemies. Your arm is far too short and stubby for this battle, so use kicks and the occasional (gasp expectantly) jump kick. Billy's kicks are perfect for dispatching thugs, as he sticks his toe straight out and at precisely groin level.

     Eventually, of course, you will get a crappy knife, or even better, the Fighting Game Stick. (Insert heavenly choir.) Yes, that same off-white, foot and a half long stick as seen in Double Dragon, Battletoads, and Battle Toads and Double Dragon: The (pen)Ultimate Team. Bayou Billy has the advantage over the River City Ransom kids in the end, though since he can get a revolver. Oh yeah, there's also a bullwhip that acts like a slower, slightly longer stick.

     Don't bother using the punch button, ever. It's mostly there for when you get a gun. Look out, Bayou Billy! Fat Cajun has pulled out all the stops and hired Mad Max extras! Don't worry, though, just keep kicking and they'll be off to the urologist in no time. If a chicken leg goes flying out of their pants following your assault, don't be shy; pick it up to regain the 90% of your health you lost to cheap shots and poor hit detection.

     You'll also be required to fight a certain quota of alligators. This will be a hard fight, as alligators have internal genitalia and Billy can't kick when his feet are wet for some reason. Just stand in one place and keep punching the air above their heads to make them flash red and eventually die. The next water-filled hole is full of treacherous gun-toting SCUBA divers. I'm not an expert in such things, but it's pretty impressive that they can use those crappy flintlock pistols after being underwater. Ultimately, this roving gang of diving instructors prove to be about as tough as you'd expect a group of people who wear full diving gear in knee-deep water to be.

     The next level becomes a first-person shooter. It takes a little more effort to wreak groin violence with the Zapper than it does by moving the crosshairs on the controller around. Shoot the flying sticks of dynamite to make them harmlessly explode inches from your face instead of in your face, where they might inflict about two points of damage. At the end of the level, you'll get to fight a tiny helicopter filled with about a thousand deer hunters. Truly a marvel of Fat Cajun engineering.

     Next comes a brief stage followed by the real level boss, some kind of a huge jumberjack guy who tries hitting you with an extra long version of the Fighting Game Stick.

     Onto the most bitchin' part of the game: The driving stages. There's just something about a little green jeep putting along as you blow away other cars with implied machine guns and chucking grenades at low-flying biplanes. It's like Legend of Boggy Creek meets North by Northwest or something.

     After about three hours of kicking, shooting, and driving, you arrive at The Big Easy with its signature BOURBON billboards and roving accountant gangs. Billy fights his way down what is quite possibly the longest street in the United States, fighting off the hordes of accountants and Hispanic guys with ball and chains. Eventually, you make it into Fat Cajun's lavishly decorated mansion and do battle with his identical twin bodyguards Rocko and Rocco. If you still have the gun, just shoot them. If not, kick them in the groin endlessly until they both stop moving like usual. Congratulation! You've saved Annabelle! Time for some well-deserved bourbon and muskrat lovin'. Enjoy the Konami-licious credits roll.

-MANNA

Starring Joe Don Baker, with Paul Ruebens as the retard with the ball and chain.

Well, he's nothing if not direct. And fatter than the entire fanbase of Star Trek.

Billy reacts calmly to crisis.