Abadox

     "Abadox."

     I hate this game. We go way back, Abadox and I. Note my use of the word 'hate.' I'm not saying this is the world's worst video game from an objective point of view, but not even Phantom Fighter instills me with the same sort of cold, bitter feelings Abadox gave me when I was a little kid. We're looking at more then ten years of pent up disgust and anger. Fortunately since this is a crappy shooter, I have plenty of flaws to pick apart until this game is left as the bloody scab it is.

     Oh wait, they'd like it to look like that.

     The plot is sort of an homage to an alternate reality version of Transformers: The Movie where Unicron succeeded in devouring the world. Only if you replace 'giant planet-eating robot' with 'giant ball of flesh and sinew.' Parasitis, the cleverly named beast in question (whose outright predatory nature makes his name sound all the stupider) has devoured your home planet, Abadox, while your ship was undergoing repairs in a space-dock. Your character takes the horrific engulfing of his entire homeworld in stride, but the thing also ate the hospital sattelite Princess Maria was on. NOW IT'S PERSONAL.

     This game sucks.

     So, no doubt motivated by chivalry and loyalty to the memory of his loved ones and not say, the knowledge that he could do whatever he wanted to the princess since nobody's alive to stop him, the hero leaves the safety and firepower of his giant space cruiser and decides to kill the beast by jet-packing into its stomach so Parasitis doesn't have to move to get the last Abadoxian. Abadoxite. Whatever, this game sucks.

     You begin by skimming the surface of Parasitis, who strangely enough seems to have an intestinal system running through every bit of tissue in its body. There are also quite a few crashed spacecraft. It strikes me as odd that a creature that floats through the vacuum of space can survive so well without actual skin. But I digress; this game sucks, and I have a ways to go before I'm done. Your enemies in the first level consist of infinite floating eyes, gore-dripping souvenir shark jaws, and indistinct blue things that exist for no purpose other than to give you power-ups. Unarmed enemies who are only around to strengthen the very person they are supposed to keep at bay are very common in shooters, actually. Especially ones that you know, SUCK.

     After defeating a sickening zombie dog with what seems to be an anti-aircraft pustule growing out of its back (barf), you actually enter Parasitis' mouth. You HAVE to be asking yourself if that's a good idea. Alien physiologies apparently often have a second head inside the digestive tract, as the first boss is a gigantic, inventively named pile of organs. Call it Guardhead. It has a pair of bungee-eyeballs that shoot little diamond bullets at you, and vomits blue homing eyeballs at you as well. It sounds hard, but all you need do is hover in the EXACT MIDDLE of the screen and fire away. Or set down the controller, put something on the fire button, and walk away. What can I say, this game sucks.

     The next level turns things on its ear, or at least a different scroll mode as it becomes a top-down shooter. Unlike the other 49 hundred top down shooters ever produced though, this one has your ship/guy descending instead of moving upwards. That might be innovative, but unfortunately, Abadox sucks, and you must contend with distracting background elements, parasites flying at well over Mach 2, and deadly sphincters. If you walk away from this review with just two things, make it these: The phrase "Killed... BY A SPHINCTER!" That and the knowledge that this game sucks. (For more on why Milton Bradley shouldn't be allowed to have electricty, see also: TimeLord, a horribly coded action game.)

     It keeps going on like this for a while, just trust me. The enemies keep getting weirder, the levels and bosses gets worse and worse designed, and your shield powerups still don't save you from things like dripping water. And sphincter bullets. Also: Pteradactyls in the first stage. I have no idea what the hell pteradactyls are doing 1) in space or 2) protecting the well-being of a planet-eating oriface. Chalk it up to the game sucking.

     The final stage of the game involves a shootout in a location the manual defines as the 'Tube of Destruction.' Our brave space perv has trekked through the esophagus, stomach, and an area of the intestinal tract that has a curious amount of neuron acivity. The final boss represents the central nervous system of the beast. By my knowledge of biology, that means that Parasitis is a being that, by definition, has its brain in its ass. How suitable. At least the Tube of Destruction is a pretty cool name for someone's colon/anus region. Add that to your Abadox phrase list, along with "KIlled by a sphincter!" and "Whoah. This game really sucks."

     After defeating the killer tentacled ass-brain of Parasitis, you retrieve the snow globe containing Princess Maria from it and escape through a series of walls with little holes in them as the thing self destructs. I forget what the ending of the game was exactly, other than the fact the beast, and therefore planet explodes. I'm sure the Princess is no doubt thrilled to be rescued by some random guy in spite of losing her entire planet and subjects.

     Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel a need to shower off the greasy, sticky ooze of this game off me.

     Brought to you by Milton Bradley and Natsume.

-MANNA

You may have picked up that this is no ordinary gaming rant. This is personal. This game made me vomit. Seriously. I was pretty little at the time, and happened to be eating a cheese pizza while my friend was playing it on a big-screen TV. Something about the similarity between the color of the 8-bit guts and the color of what I was eating triggered a chain reaction that lead to me puking violently. I couldn't look at a pizza for weeks.

It's worth noting, or maybe not, that the gore in this game is still slightly more realistic than that in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. Or just more revolting in texture.

The gripping intro movie features this picture for about thirty seconds, followed by thirty seconds of this guy after he doffs the jet boosters.

Above: Guard Head. Not pictured: Gross coiled intestinal walls. Or the gigantic orange tongue. 'scuse me a sec- *BLAARF! GAG!* Ah, geez! *HWORF! SPLUTCH!* Ugh...

Where was I? Oh right. This game sucks.