hate this game. We go way back, Abadox and I. Note my use of
the word 'hate.' I'm not saying this is the world's worst video game
from an objective point of view, but not even Phantom Fighter instills
me with the same sort of cold, bitter feelings Abadox gave me when I
was a little kid. We're looking at more then ten years of pent up disgust
and anger. Fortunately since this is a crappy shooter, I have plenty
of flaws to pick apart until this game is left as the bloody scab it
wait, they'd like it to look like that.
plot is sort of an homage to an alternate reality version of Transformers:
The Movie where Unicron succeeded in devouring the world. Only if you
replace 'giant planet-eating robot' with 'giant ball of flesh and sinew.'
Parasitis, the cleverly named beast in question (whose outright predatory
nature makes his name sound all the stupider) has devoured your home
planet, Abadox, while your ship was undergoing repairs in a space-dock.
Your character takes the horrific engulfing of his entire homeworld
in stride, but the thing also ate the hospital sattelite Princess Maria
was on. NOW IT'S PERSONAL.
no doubt motivated by chivalry and loyalty to the memory of his loved
ones and not say, the knowledge that he could do whatever he wanted
to the princess since nobody's alive to stop him, the hero leaves the
safety and firepower of his giant space cruiser and decides to kill
the beast by jet-packing into its stomach so Parasitis doesn't have
to move to get the last Abadoxian. Abadoxite. Whatever, this game sucks.
begin by skimming the surface of Parasitis, who strangely enough seems
to have an intestinal system running through every bit of tissue in
its body. There are also quite a few crashed spacecraft. It strikes
me as odd that a creature that floats through the vacuum of space can
survive so well without actual skin. But I digress; this game sucks,
and I have a ways to go before I'm done. Your enemies in the first level
consist of infinite floating eyes, gore-dripping souvenir shark jaws,
and indistinct blue things that exist for no purpose other than to give
you power-ups. Unarmed enemies who are only around to strengthen the
very person they are supposed to keep at bay are very common in shooters,
actually. Especially ones that you know, SUCK.
defeating a sickening zombie dog with what seems to be an anti-aircraft
pustule growing out of its back (barf), you actually enter Parasitis'
mouth. You HAVE to be asking yourself if that's a good idea. Alien physiologies
apparently often have a second head inside the digestive tract, as the
first boss is a gigantic, inventively named pile of organs. Call it
Guardhead. It has a pair of bungee-eyeballs that shoot little diamond
bullets at you, and vomits blue homing eyeballs at you as well. It sounds
hard, but all you need do is hover in the EXACT MIDDLE of the screen
and fire away. Or set down the controller, put something on the fire
button, and walk away. What can I say, this game sucks.
next level turns things on its ear, or at least a different scroll mode
as it becomes a top-down shooter. Unlike the other 49 hundred top down
shooters ever produced though, this one has your ship/guy descending
instead of moving upwards. That might be innovative, but unfortunately,
Abadox sucks, and you must contend with distracting background elements,
parasites flying at well over Mach 2, and deadly sphincters. If you
walk away from this review with just two things, make it these: The
phrase "Killed... BY A SPHINCTER!" That and the knowledge
that this game sucks. (For more on why Milton Bradley shouldn't be allowed
to have electricty, see also: TimeLord,
a horribly coded action game.)
keeps going on like this for a while, just trust me. The enemies keep
getting weirder, the levels and bosses gets worse and worse designed,
and your shield powerups still don't save you from things like dripping
water. And sphincter bullets. Also: Pteradactyls in the first stage.
I have no idea what the hell pteradactyls are doing 1) in space or 2)
protecting the well-being of a planet-eating oriface. Chalk it up to
the game sucking.
final stage of the game involves a shootout in a location the manual
defines as the 'Tube of Destruction.' Our brave space perv has trekked
through the esophagus, stomach, and an area of the intestinal tract
that has a curious amount of neuron acivity. The final boss represents
the central nervous system of the beast. By my knowledge of biology,
that means that Parasitis is a being that, by definition, has its brain
in its ass. How suitable. At least the Tube of Destruction
is a pretty cool name for someone's colon/anus region. Add that to your
Abadox phrase list, along with "KIlled by a sphincter!" and
"Whoah. This game really sucks."
defeating the killer tentacled ass-brain of Parasitis, you retrieve
the snow globe containing Princess Maria from it and escape through
a series of walls with little holes in them as the thing self destructs.
I forget what the ending of the game was exactly, other than the fact
the beast, and therefore planet explodes. I'm sure the Princess is no
doubt thrilled to be rescued by some random guy in spite of losing her
entire planet and subjects.
if you'll excuse me, I feel a need to shower off the greasy, sticky
ooze of this game off me.
to you by Milton Bradley and Natsume.