ANTONIO VILLAS-BOAS: Cheesy graphic.

     Of all the weird stories about UFO's and paranormal stuff I've read over the years, there are two cases that really stand out in my mind: The one about Mothman, the red eyed, winged whatever that terrorized West Virginia; and Antonio Villas-Boas. And if you didn't read the BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS title above, you know which story I'm going to get into.

     The Mothman appeared numerous times in a place known as the "Old TNT Area," which looked exactly like a Power Rangers set. A fitting place for a six foot, red eyed winged freak to materialize. He's engaged in all sorts of lovable antics like chasing cars, throwing rocks at churchgoers, and deflecting bullets.

     Don't ask me why the hell they decided to dub him "Mothman." Granted, he was a silvery-powdery gray, which would be ground enough to name him that or "The Silverfish Crusader," and he was attracted to car headlights, but he always struck me as more of a "Fred." Or maybe a "Dan."

     But anyway, Antonio. He was a Brazilian farmer who actually lived through what most anime writers only dream of: hot, passionate alien SEX. Some may say this was made up. Some might chalk it up to him being Brazilian. The two or three people left over believe it really happened. Here's the longest, most drawn-out version of the story I could find. I got it off of here. Don't worry, my smartass remarks are all in bold, so you can tell the difference.

It all started at 11:00 p.m. on the night of October 5, 1957. Antonio Villas-Boas, a Brazilian farmer of twenty-three, and his brother Jao, were going to bed. It was hot, so Antonio decided to open a window.

In a move hereafter known as: Mistake #1.

As he did so, he noticed a bright light that seemed to come from above shining down on the corral outside. He couldn't see the source of the light, which was like a car headlight shining down.

But there's one thing it couldn't possibly be. A flying saucer full of beautiful women.

He called to Jao, but Jao told him to go to sleep.

"Go to sleep."
-Jao Villas-Boas

Antonio closed the shutters and tried to sleep, but his curiosity soon got the better of him. He got up and opened the shutters and looked out. The light was still there, brighter than ever, and seemed to come toward him. He slammed the shutters, waking Jao, and they both watched as the light grew so bright that it shined through the shutters. After a few minutes, it suddenly disappeared.

The end. Kind of a stupid story, huh? <Shut up and read the rest to the gullible out there>

Nine days later, on the night of October 14, 1957, Antonio and Jao were out plowing, when a brilliant light appeared at the far end of the field. It's apparent size was about that of a cartwheel

Useful reference point, except I have no idea how big that is.

and it appeared to be about 100 meters off the ground. It appeared as a bright red light, too bright to allow them to see if there was an object behind the light. Antonio wished to go and examine the light, but Jao refused. When Antonio approached the light, it moved rapidly to the opposite end of the field. When he approached it there, it sped back to the other end of the field. This was repeated at least twenty times, according to Antonio.

This is the extraterrestrial equivalent to teasing a cat with a flashlight.

He finally tired of the chase and went back to where Jao waited.

Jao called him an idiot and told him to get his lazy ass back to work.

The light persisted for a time, but then suddenly vanished.

The next evening, Antonio was plowing alone, using the lights of his tractor. At precisely 1:00 a.m.,

At precisely 1:00 AM... wouldn't that mean he was looking at his watch?

he saw the light. A red pinpoint at first, but within a few minutes it had grown into a bright, egg-shaped object that stopped and hovered about 160 feet above Antonio. It was so bright that the headlights of the tractor could no longer be seen in its glare. As Antonio tried to decide what he should do, the object came closer, within 40 feet of him. He later described it as rounded and full of little purplish lights all around, with a large red headlight that was the source of the intense red light. It looked like a large elongated egg with three metal "spurs", or landing gear, on the bottom.

I don't think I can overuse this picture.

On top of the object was something that rotated at great speed, also glowing red, but which changed to green as the object slowed to land. Antonio finally acted, trying to drive the tractor away, but the tractor's engine died before he had gone twenty feet. The tractor would not restart, so Antonio jumped to the ground and tried to run away. He had only gone a few steps when someone grabbed his arm. It was a small figure that only came to his shoulder, dressed in strange clothes. He shoved the figure away, and it fell to the ground.

And an inseparable diplomatic bond is forged between Mars and Brazil!!

He turned and tried to run, but was prevented by three others. They lifted him bodily off the ground and carried him forcibly back to the object, although he fought and cursed the whole way. He was pushed up a small ladder and into the craft. He described it thus:

Once inside the machine. I noticed that we were standing in a small square room. Its polished metal walls were bright with the reflection of fluorescent light coming from the metal ceiling and shining from the many little square lamps fitted into the border where the walls met and circling it entirely.

They led Antonio into another room, which was quite large and contained an oddly shaped table and some swivel chairs or stools. As he stood waiting to see what would happen next, the strangers began talking to each other:

I say "talk" as a manner of speech, for what they said had no resemblance whatever to human speech. They talked in growls, like dogs do, in a way. This comparison is not quite fitting, but it's the only one I can think of to attempt to describe those sounds, so different were they from anything I ever heard before.

The grunts were emitted slowly; they were neither high-pitched nor too low; some were longer, others shorter, sometimes containing several different sounds at the same time, at other times ending in a tremor. But they sounded to me only like animal growls and there was nothing that could be taken for the sound of a syllable or for a word in a foreign language. Nothing whatsoever!

Aho! Are wa anata ga baka?!

Antonio described the appearance of the strangers:

"I didn't know these guys."

All five of them wore a very tight fitting siren-suit, made of soft, thick, unevenly striped gray material. This garment reached right up to their necks where it was joined to a kind of helmet made of a gray material, I don't know what it was, that looked stiffer and was strengthened back and front by thin metal plates, one of which was three-cornered, at nose level. Their helmets hid everything except their eyes, which were protected by two round glasses, like the lenses in ordinary glasses. Through them, the men looked at me, and their eyes seemed to be much smaller than ours, though I believe that may have been the effect of the lenses. All of them had light-colored eyes that looked blue to me, but this I cannot vouch for.

Their sleeves were narrow and tight-fitting to the wrists where they were followed by thick five-fingered gloves of the same color, that must have somewhat hindered their movements. As to this, I noticed that the men weren't able to double their fingers fingers altogether, so as to touch the palms of their hands with the tips of their fingers.

At least we don't have to worry about them shoplifting.

After some discussion, the strangers grabbed Antonio and stripped off his clothes. He fought, but they overpowered him. Once he was naked, they applied a thick liquid to him with a sort of sponge. It was cold at first, but after the liquid dried, he felt more comfortable. They took him to yet another room where they drew blood sample from his chin with an unusaul sort of instrument. Then they left Antonio alone in the room, which was empty except for a couch in the center. After a moment, Antonio began to notice an odd smell in the room. Investigating, he found that the odor was associated with gray smoke that was coming from tiny metal tubes full of holes that were part of the wall of the room at about head height. The odor made Antonio so ill that he vomited.

I hear Antonio went on to be an ambassador to Pluto, where he whizzed on several officials.

After a long time, the door opened and a beautiful naked woman came into the room...

I think we all know where this is going. but I'd like to stop and reflect on just why they pick a Brazilian farmer over say, Einstein (who I think was still alive...) Here are the best reasons I can think of.

A) They were going to try something new, and wanted someone nobody would probably miss if he melted in the process.

B) He's a prince of Jurai.

C) They were really after Jao.

D) He made it up.

E) It was a U.S. conspiracy and Antonio was really sleeping with J. Edgar Hoover.

I think they're all pretty valid. Anyway, get your filthy raincoats out for part two. It gets kinda blue.

Onward, ho!

Above: A typical alien. Below that: The lovable scamps of MST3K.

Bob's Feed and UFO Research. Located off I-75.