Is Like, Ironic and/or Humorous.
about 1:15 in the afternoon. I've got a room-temperature Mountain Dew
on my desk and am currently listening to MAD TV on Comedy Central. Here
in my neck of Ohio, that's channel 38. Anyway, I got the idea to write
at length on something that aggravates me a little while cooking a Tombstone
microwave deep dish pizza. You know, the ones that are like 5 inches
across and come on a little silver cardboard plate thing. But when I
opened it up, the little silver plate thingy was wrong side up! I'm
sure glad I remembered to turn it over, otherwise the crust wouldn't
have crisped, and nobody likes a soggy pizza. ^_^;
yes, I was writing about something, wasn't I? I got sidetracked by the
minutiae of microwave junk food. I'd go out but it's hard with no car
or money. It's so cruel that more people don't cater to my every whim!
I should put up a PayPal button or something. Whatever.
intended to do a massive rant or slam against the rapidly-expanding
number of people who use their internet access to broadcast every little
detail their day-to-day life. Then it dawned on me that such a thing,
as someone who compulsively posts blurbs about Mark of the Wolves hidden
taunts and Mothman reports, such a thing would be hypocritical and self
defeating. Using my own shame as ammo then, I will proceed to carry
on loudly for a few more paragraphs as a headless kamikaze blogmartyr.
think the epiphany came about the time a couple years back when Toasty
was stuck in a limbo between Shameful Game Companies or another long
running feature (maybe it was that sadly-neglected Drum Solo thing.)
I didn't really care about the padding and excuses in the blog section:
I like Parish's "educated cynic" writing style. It was just
a sudden realization after a few months that a site in stasis supported
by little blurbs on a fairly regular basis can keep a surprisingly steady
flow of traffic. That was probably about the time I adopted a front
page ranting section too. The front-page rant is definitely an effective
tool. No splash page to navigate through to see if the page has been
updated since your last visit; and while you're at it you can write
an enticing lead-in to your new content. Penny Arcade's system does
that pretty well, even if sometimes you NEED to read Tycho's input to
understand the day's strip. Megatokyo's rants are a slightly more obnoxious
example, but they do give you something to read while the day's page
brings us to Irk the First: Going wildly off-topic with odd personal
anecdotes. Say you run "Yoda-Chan's Shrine to the Star Wars Manga"
or something like that. You've already narrowed yourself to a target
audience of Star Wars geeks who actually like the Kia Asamiya'd versions.
Relating the story of your breakfast burrito or a funny-smelling man
on the bus just throws them like that horse at the county rodeo that
I discreetly injected with crystal meth. That is, assuming that the
site attracts more than people you personally invite. Nothing personal
against people who are slavering devotees of tiny niches of the Star
Wars expanded universe. This is just my finely honed 'mercenary artist'
instinct that's been pounded into me by several years of graphic art
school and left me a cynical yet pretty hunk who can't look at a pop
can without criticizing its label in some manner. For example, I've
now turned the Mountain Dew upside down, and the "Dew" part
looks like the word "Mad." You'd think they could have done
something to the "Mountain" part so it says something when
inverted as well? Instead of just "uie(backwards 'f')unoW?"
you don't have a specific subject matter on your page. Say you're- me.
You just kind of slam together words on a random topic when the fancy
strikes you, run it through FTP and see who bites. That's fun, it keeps
people guessing, as long as you're an interesting writer, which I sadly
am not. Or say you pretty much have a site that's a blog with a domain
name attached to it. You're pretty much only expecting friends and/or
coworkers to be rifling through it. Time for your first post! You're
very happy and use lots of "^_^"s and even "^_^;"'s
(as it must be pretty damn hot in there with the HTMLING PARTY you've
got going on in there. "RAISE THE TABLEHEIGHT! WE DON'T
NEED NO /BLOCKQUOTE, LET THE MOTHER FUCKER INDENT!") But
the next day, you're feeling sad and disappointed that the blue-haired
guy in Networking thinks that Selphie is much hotter than Rinoa in Final
Fantasy VIII (which she is) and in your heart of hearts you always associated
yourself with the latter fictional character. So you browse through
your mp3 folder and find some deep, moving lyrics from Linkin' Park
or Evanescence or some obscure punk band you listen to specifically
because for their obscurity. You copy-paste them to your blog and sit
back, feeling slightly more satisfied at the way you've recycled existing
sentiments so that it kind of adds an air of sophistication and uh,
plagiarism that deep, wonderful kids like you strive for.
actually, no. You shouldn't do that. It's important to vent and sigh
and bemoan the behemoth weight of your problems in a medium that
could be stumbled upon by anyone around the world. What are the
odds of receiving Touched By An Angel-style cyber-revelations versus
being called misspelled bad names by a 12-year old Korean kid who's
waiting for the latest Ragnarok patch to load? About a craptillion to
however many friends you have. And trust me, a craptillion has a lot
of zeroes. Pasting cryptic song lyrics into a front page without much
in the way of explanation is mainly good for either making your friends
think that the black eye shadow is finally soaking into your brain or
you're trying to inspire an ASCII/HTML-based sing along. And if you
imbed a MIDI for good measure- you're simply going to Hell. Sorry. Be
sure to post in your blog about the torment every so often.
guess ultimately, the point is to moderate yourself in everything you
do. I learned that the hard way Tuesday when I went the entire day eating
nothing but peppered jerky and about three cans of Mountain Dew. My
stool looked like GUNPOWDER. I realize all too well the appeal of instantly
putting your thoughts on the web. But just remember that there's a difference
between confessing to a spiral-bound notebook hidden under the mattress
and shrieking out your opinion on ska music on a crowded street corner.
But hey, to each their own. Would you look at the time? I've got an
appointment downtown with a megaphone and a Less than Jake CD.
music: Cyborg 009- Genesis of Next
was nice and cathartic.)