- Excessively Japanese things
like rice cakes and genuinely funny gags will be removed,
rewritten, or otherwise reworked into something wholesome
and corny. (Subliminal message: Funimation wants to turn
the world into cornbread.)
- Part of the show WILL be cut
out, if not for content than simply to make up for the
difference between commercial breaks. See, whereas
Escaflowne on FOX had a whopping three or four
three-minute interruptions, Japanese shows typically just
have one long (I hear five minutes) break in the middle.
So, in any case, you're gonna lose at least three or four
minutes to the noble cause of $capitalism$!!!
- Theme songs- Japanese
lyrics must go! This is done in a nationwide
attempt to prevent children from learning anything that
won't be rendered in coloring book or 'For Dummies'
format. If the opening isn't omitted altogether, then the
songs will be replaced by bad techno or failing that, the
most amatuer singer they can find.
- (at least) One character will
have a voice so nasal, and/or high pitched and/or overly
deadpan it will make anyone over twelve ram glass bottles
into their ears in an attempt to be rid of the sound.
- There will never be an anime
that diehard fans like better in English than Japanese.
- Saban really loves their
synthesizers, so expect a lot of 'ahhhhhhhhhhhh....
ohhhhhhhhhhhh' choral crap punctuated by techno
- MAZE TV was released in two
formats in Japan. The one that aired on television
featured full nude transformation scenes and half the
first episode was Maze in her underwear in her room. The
home video release is the one CPM adapted for the
American rendition. They probably felt guilty for
subjecting us to cheesecake like Aika and the MAZE OAV.
Oh yeah, and MAZE will never be televised because a girl
turning into a sex fiend at night would be pretty hard to
clean up. Although I bet Funimation or Saban could give
it a try.
Coping With Loss
- Children aren't to know about
death until Grampa's (or Grandma's) heart goes out on top
of a hooker. So, for the sake of psychologists, TV
companies aren't allowed to show people dying even when
it's obvious to even a six year old with rust in his head
that the character should die.
- 'Kill' becomes 'hurt,' 'get,'
or sometimes 'finish.' (but only on late night, uncut
- Only really evil or really
good characters will get killed. Anyone in the middle
simply goes to another dimension or falls into a coma.
Or, more likely, they all become friends and team up
against someone who deserves to die.
- Powerful visuals like Heero
soaked in blood, reaching towards the camera, will be
calmly sidestepped. Why should art have a message?
- Nobody dies in DBZ. This is
actually Toriyama's fault.
- In Japan, there's supposedly no age of consent. That doesn't
necessarily mean anything to this section, it's just
a bit of trivia.
- Zoicite is a gay man. I
cannot tell in words how devastating this was to me. I
thought she was cute.
- ... and on that subject,
those two AIN'T COUSINS. We're looking at pastel rendered
Tokyo here, not Alabama.
- Maybe another factor leading
to Escaflowne's cancellation involved Allen's fixation on
- The concept of arranged
marriages shouldn't be brought up if it can be helped.
Especially arranged marriages within a family.
- Excessively violent scenes
will be removed by chimpanzees and Parkinson's patients
in big mittens so that the cuts are glaring and obvious,
and often following scenes will confuse the hell out of
you. "Hey, when did he start having a black spot on
his shirt?(see third topic under this subject)"
- As mentioned under Coping
with Loss, people don't die... they just go to another
dimension, get hurt badly, fall into a coma, or will be
spliced into the final episode so that some little kid
can gurgle 'Yay! He's alright!'
- If nobody with any editing
skill is on hand, which happens a lot, okay, blood is
just blacked out with a magic marker, swept under a rug,
or unconvincingly painted over digitally.
- (This means you, Tenchi, DBZ,
Sailormoon... etc) Clipart that came with the computer
will be placed in front of naughty parts. Trees,
mysterious patches of cloth, and bald people's heads are
popular. So are NEON ORANGE BATHING SUITS.
- Racy language needs to be
worked down to the point of baby talk, despite the fact
any newborn knows Ryoko is teasing Ayeka about her bust
and Master Roshi doesn't give a right damn about Bulma's
- A correllary of the above,
extended instances are replaced with a series of childish
jokes that leave everyone scratching each others chins,
confused as to the meaning and why they're mysteriously
- Partially related to the bit
about theme songs, networks want kids to know how to
spell their favorite character names. That way, when they
run an idiot art contest, the red teletubby with the
yellow scribble on its head is plainly labeled as 'Goku,
by Terry Bastard, Age 8. Ratsass, Ohio.' That means
replacing most Japanese names with American uh,
equivalents. (Rei=Raye, Minako=Mina, Hikaru=Rick, Sodom=Katana?!)
- Even if the character is an
alien or something, the name can be changed if someone
along the line just wants to do it. Kamjin=Khyron,
- And finally, to the Digimon
guys... It's funnier when half the monsters have names
that are filthy in Spanish.
DBZ and The Devil
- The hulking dickhead we know
as Hercule was originally named Mr. Satan. His daughter
Videl's name is an anagram for 'devil.' Only one of them
- Much like the incredibly fake
overlays that turned Master Roshi's porno mags into
dating guides, watch for loads of hastily-added
- The ogres from that one
episode somewhere when they still couldn't say 'kill' had
T-shirts that said 'Hell.' For the kiddies, it was
changed to HFIL (Home for Infinite Losers) which was less
offensive except for the fact it made it look like their
shirts had the German "Heil!" on them.
- There was a gun-crazed John
Wayne clone in Pokemon. And yet they let Team Rocket have
missile launchers in an episode they kept. Not to mention
one of James/Kojiro's disguises was a full bodysuit with
fake breasts. (Wizard's Anime Invasion)
- How about when FOX yanked the
entire first episode of Escaflowne?
- The Southern Cross arc of
Robotech was actually Superdimensional Cavalry Southern
Cross, and it took place on another planet. Ever wonder
why they never show the sky for too long? There were two
moons. Also, 'Zor Prime' was actually an SC soldier who
was kidnapped, brainwashed, etc by the bad guys.
- Others missing episodes-
Outlaw Star, Tenchi Muyo! DBZ- and a lot of Sailor Moon.
At least ten total. Not that I care personally.
- In a truly inspiringly
braindead move, the final episode of the first Slayers
season is missing like the last five minutes in the
dubbed version. What's the matter? Lisa Ortiz have to go
somewhere all of a sudden?