THIRD HALF PRESENTS: A GRAPHIC REVIEW
VANQUISH (2010 BY SEGA)
(Don’t sue us or anything.)
EISHI DENNOU [Open Minded, Positive] VS. DIXIE SPARKS [Retro lover, pessimist]
EISHI: Hi~~~! Welcome to the show! I’m Eishi! Today, we’re gonna have a look at the awesome game, Vanquish!
(caption above brick wall: COVER)
DIXIE: Awesome?! As if! It’s just another third-person shooter! (Metal Gear noise)
EISHI: Ah, Dixie-tan?
DIXIE: Look, it’s got cover-based shooting, regenerating health, and bullet-timey slow-motion gimmicks. It’s like a perfect storm of modern gaming fuckery!
EISHI: “Bald Space Marine” stuff aside, Vanquish stands out with some rich use of color, emphasis on speed and manuevering, as well as some decidedly old-school design choices!
DIXIE (grinding foot into Eishi’s skull): Old school? You think PS1 is old school.
EISHI: Owwww… Seriously, look!
EISHI: This game has a tank with buzz saws and guys sticking out of it instead of side turrets! How is that boring?
Caption: LOOK, MORE COVER
DIXIE: How about if you fight teh (sic) same damn thing 20 times throughout the game?
TANK: They see me rollin’…
EISHI: Wellll… they do recycle a lot of bosses. But they do at least change the situations.
DIXIE: HA! Your argument is weak and that panel badly drawn!
EISHI: So was yours.
DIXIE: Fuck you.
EISHI: Can’t you see though? The stupidity? The sheer, overblown machismo? Vanquish eschews modern shooter cliches with its style and flair, evoking classic run-and-gun titles like Contra!
DIXIE: The hell it does! It’s another gimmicky shooter, with a ‘name’ director and swank paint on it. Also, why the hell do they tease all these fancy moves in cutscenes when your guy can’t even JUMP?
SO… WHO WINS!?
-Easy to pick up, hard to ‘master’
-Uninteresting cast and plot
-Eishi likes it
VERDICT: GOOD BUT NOT $50 GOOD
EISHI: That was fun! ‘Til next time, everyone!
DIXIE: Our artist declared you dead ONCE, you know… (sniping from behind ANOTHER CONVENIENT WALL)